Lately I’ve been noticing my little mini me’s emotions quite a bit and I can’t help but wonder is it just my child that does this? That behaves like this? That completely over reacts like this? And out strikes the mum guilt again making me feel like I’m doing a right shoddy job at this parenting gig.
Evie is exactly like me. She is willfull, stubborn, independent, funny and usually very loving and sweet natured. She is also over emotional and gets over whelmed really easily. There are times when we go and see friends after school for a bit of a play and pretty much every time that happens she bursts into tears about four times. I have no idea if that only happens when I’m there to get my attention or if it happens when I’m not. I know it doesn’t happen with family, it only ever happens when she is with her friends.
Part of me thinks (and inwardly blames myself) because she’s an only child. She doesn’t have anyone to play with at home to play all the games she’s thought of in her little mind. She shares very nicely, most of the time and always interacts well with other children. I am never told she is difficult at school and she wasn’t at nursery either. It is only ever when we visit friends or they visit us. Perhaps if she had a younger brother or sister she wouldn’t feel so lonely.
I hate that. I hate that my daughter feels lonely at home because she’s an only child. And I’m not saying I won’t ever have more children, but I’m not exactly getting any younger and living in a two bedroom flat isn’t ideal. We want to move first and Adam want’s to drive first before we plan to extend our family. Having another baby just so Evie won’t be lonely isn’t exactly the right thing to do is it?
I know there’s never really a right time to have more children but I can’t help but think the older Evie gets the more distanced she might feel should we have another. It’s not really going to be someone to play with when she’s ten and they’re two are they? I tell myself over and over we are doing the right thing by waiting but then why doesn’t it feel like it’s the right thing?
Evie wears her heart on her sleeve yet she’s also quite a controlling little girl. I think most kids are to be honest, not because they want to be controlling but because really, kids are selfish, and they want to do what they want to do. Evie does get upset when things don’t go her way but I’ve never known another child to cry so much about it or over the smallest things.
Do you know my biggest worry isn’t that she throws a tantrum or gets emotional or anxious. No. It’s because girls are getting hormonal younger and younger and starting their periods at such young ages. I know the change in me started when I was eight or nine as I had boobs and by eleven I was very much on a regular monthly cycle. Is the emotion and over reacting and anxious behaviour just because she’s a child or is it because in just a few precious years she’s already going to experience changes in her body? She is only six years old.
I am probably totally over thinking things. I know it can’t just be my child that gets a little over emotional. I know she is a bit lonely but she has lots of lovely friends and family that love her. I work at home so we see each other a lot, we have family weekends together. I try and fill her life with people so that she doesn’t feel isolated or alone. She doesn’t tell me she’s lonely, it’s just a feeling I get really. Probably because I blame myself.
I blame myself because I had her young. I blame myself because she must have experienced something from the toxic relationship I had with her father despite leaving him before she was two. I blame him because he has his own issues and I don’t know what she witnesses when she’s there. I know she comes back pretty happy most of the time but again there are no other children on his family. No cousins or siblings. She is the only child there and pretty much the only child here except my very youngest cousin who she does love very much. I blame myself because I am overly emotional and anxious.
It could be as simple as that she is exactly like me and that is her personality. She doesn’t manipulate to get what she wants, she just cries because that is the only way she knows how to get it all out and stop feeling so anxious, emotional and overwhelmed. I hope that I remember this, because that is exactly what I am like. I cry all the time about pretty much nothing. I cry tears of frustration, anger, sadness and happiness. I cry because that is how I react when I feel something.
So I guess no, it’s not just my child that feels like this, because when I was a child, I felt like this. Perhaps it’s just because she is just like me. Perhaps we are just criers.