For the longest time I have been trying to figure out a way of getting back to being myself, that I have been just kind of existing in time and space being a parent which hasn’t left a lot of time to really focus in on what I love and what fills my cup so to speak. But I am craving it. I miss being creative in those little ways of taking photos of books and trying to improve, of moving my body, of having something interesting to say in those rare and fleeting moments of adult conversation that isn’t just about kids.
I am trying to reclaim a little bit of me back. In some ways perhaps that’s getting older talking too, like wanting to live as authentically as I possibly can and realizing now more than ever that it’s really only about me and my happiness (that, of course, and the safety and wellbeing of my children but that goes without saying surely) that matters. That I am the only one that is possible of giving myself the life I want to have and for the longest time I have felt so stuck, in such a mental block. I really want to try and step forward, find more joy and awe in the world around me and start doing stuff for me because it feels good.
I got a tattoo in April and I am so in love with the art of it and that it is on my body. I got a pretty sizeable chest tattoo which is something I specifically asked to have designed and has a little touch of my personality in an image. I choose to get it on my chest as I’ve always been self conscious of that area. Being relatively busty has perhaps drawn attention to me in ways that I’ve not felt too comfortable with in the past but now I feel like I don’t have to cover up or find jewelry to sort of take the attention away a little bit even if it hasn’t really worked. Plus I struggle wearing high necked clothing or necklaces that are too small or too tight as they feel quite restrictive. I have been waiting so long for another tattoo telling myself over and over that my body is not right or small enough for art but there’s a chance my body might not ever be what my brain or society considers small enough. So I got the tattoo.
Speaking of body image there’s another thing I’ve recently done for myself and that is signed up for a pole dance fitness class. I love dancing, although it’s very much just me dancing around in my living room other than the variety of Zumba classes I’ve taken in the past or dance games I’ve played at home. This is something I’ve wanted to do for absolutely ages. I love how controlled the movements are, how fun it looks, how strong pole dancers can be and it just looked like so much fun. So I did a taster class and signed up for a full five week course and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since. Years and years ago there was a beautiful plus size lady on Britain’s got talent that did a pole routine and I loved it. She was so confident and strong and seeing other plus size bodies do these amazing movements, spins and tricks whilst looking comfortable in their own skin was really inspiring.
The taster class was fun despite the aches for days afterwards and so worth it to find a form of exercise that I can hopefully really benefit from. Another thing completely for me, to build my strength, confidence and a chance to dance and have joyous movement. I was so surprised with how much I could keep up with the routine, the rest of the class and do all the movements with some degree of co-ordination. I managed to put the moves together into a routine and time just flew. It was really fun and having the pole to use to assist in the movements that I found tricky made a big difference. I can’t wait to get back to it and see how I feel after the full five week course.
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