I’m going to preface this right now with homeschool is not an option for me. As an AuDHD person that attempted a form of Crisis Schooling when schools closed it was equally as stressful as trying to convince a school refuser to attend school. I lack the mental energy from complete burnout to try and creatively think of ways to ‘unschool’ or come up with some kind of learning. I can’t drive which limits places we can go for educational reasons, I am completely broke which is another limitation as even the free places that might be suitable I can’t afford the public transport to go to. My teen doesn’t want to go to any form of groups or engage with other people which is another limitation. We live in a small two bedroom flat, I hardly sleep because I share a room with a five year old and we have no where I can even set up a quiet and creative space to foster learning. I have chronic health issues including fatigue and pain which are even more limitations. The list goes on. I can’t do it and I can’t pay someone else to do it for me. I really admire families that can do it and make the most of the amazing resources that are there but I can’t.
Right now I am desperately trying to figure out what more I can do to help but I am living in such a high state of stress and anxiety that my brain just isn’t functioning anymore. The phonecalls, the meetings, the constant fighting to get my teen to attend school, chasing camhs, doctors appointments, referrals for counselling, referrals for parenting courses, doing the courses and learning stuff and trying to incorporate that into our lives and my teen not consistently sticking to the things we set out. The late night phone calls asking where she is because she stops communicating, or because her phone has run out of battery, or she’s broken another phone, or she’s lost it, or run out of data. The police getting involved because of the amount of times in the last six months I’ve had to call them because I don’t know where she is. The literal begging for addresses, for parents phone numbers, for friends phone numbers being met with accusations and violence and refusal. Having a rejected EHCP despite low attendance, despite self harm, despite an overdose, despite waiting lists for ADHD and Autism and a family connection. Having a family support worker who actually has been really wonderful but has come at a stage where I am already at a complete loss, burned out and so damn depressed with my own life that I just don’t have the energy to keep fighting this.
That’s what it is, a fight with a broken system. A system that doesn’t care about the wellbeing of young people, but only cares about adhering to uniform policy and high attendance. With the threat of fines and prosecution because of low attendance. I am constantly fighting for my daughter to access education but with a school that won’t offer alterative provision and with a daughter that is emotionally dysregulated and just won’t engage with anything that is offered or set out. I don’t know what else I can do. I don’t think there is anything else I can do. No one in this household is happy or well from this level of constant stress but no one is offering any solutions to fix it. It’s just “you need to get her to school” okay but how? How do I do that with a 14 year old that is almost as tall as me, physically strong and will lash out? How am I supposed to get someone to engage when they completely refuse?
We’ve had three days of school for the autumn term, but had an authorised absence for counselling one morning and now the refusal has begun because she got up late and that set off her anxiety about getting there on time so she’s just staying in bed. School will say oh she had a great start but for here it wasn’t a great start, it was every morning full of stress and anxiety of ‘will she be going in or will she go missing?’ or ‘what will I have to fight today’ and promises which feel like bribes just to convince her to go. I’m not coping with any of this well and I honestly don’t know how to live through it. I start counselling myself on Friday with a therapist that is neurodivergent and has experience professionally and personally with school refusal. We are having another camhs assessment for trauma pathway tomorrow morning and have a meeting scheduled with the school later this week.
One day at a time.
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