On one hand I see slimmer women from magazines, airbrushed and photoshopped giving me an unrealistic view of beauty and health and on the other I see women the same size as me confident and content with their bodies. I can’t help but feel what is wrong with me. I am not body confident, the way I look disgusts me.
It’s totally my fault of course because I own my body and I have made the decisions that make it the way it is right now. I ate the food, I moved less, I had children and in those years I’ve created a mindset that has a unhealthy view of food. I restrict then binge, yo-yo diet and workout but then I get complacent, or bored, or lose willpower or feel pressured and I stop. My attitude towards food is unhealthy and my attitude towards exercise is it’s painful and I feel humiliated doing it.
But I see so many women, some the same size, some larger than me loving themselves and I don’t understand what there is to love. I don’t love anything about my body, I don’t love anything about the way I look. I don’t have respect or pride for my scars and stretchmarks. All I see is fatty flesh, shoulders too big for my small head, horrible hair that never looks right however it’s cut, makeup that I can’t ever “do” proplerly so it always looks cakey no matter my budget. I see tiny hands with bitten nails, hard skin, soft pudgy bits that don’t sit right in any clothes. I feel chub rub, boob sweat and all the aches and pains that come with carrying excess fat around my body. Do these body positive, body confident women not feel these things either? Is there something wrong with me that only I suffer with these problems of being so overweight?
Do they not find it hard getting in and out of the bath? Do they not have to put the shampoo and conditioner in reach before getting in because the tyres around their middle prevent them actually reaching forward enough? Do they not sweat so much it makes them embaressed to go outside? Do they not look at themselves and the sag and excess skin and sretch marks and wish at times they could just unzip it at the back and step out of this fat suit? If they don’t feel like this then why do I feel like this if I am “one of them”
I do not want to be so slim and so ripped. I don’t need loads of muscles on show or eight abs. I don’t care about having a bit of a mum pouch from my two c-sections. I just want to wear a pair of jeans from a supermarket rather than expensive shops dedicated to plus sizes. I want to buy a bra that costs £6 instead of £36. I want to have a healthy respect for my body and a positive relationship with food.
I do not want to spend the next thirty years of my life stepping on and off the sad step until I reach my target weight and then obsessing over maintaining that weight for years to come. I do not want to have to restrict myself from food groups forever. I just want to be able to understand when I’m full and to have enough. I don’t want to have to overeat to the point of discomfort and I want to continue actually really enjoying food because it tastes so good. I don’t want to be stuck on a traffic light system focusing in on labels for the rest of my life in case something is too fatty or too high in sugar.
I want to learn to trust myself to make healthy choices and to enjoy movement. I want to be a good role model to my kids and show them that being healthy is not about being thin but it is about mental relationships. I do not want my children to live a live of obsession over their weight but how can I prevent that when the way I look disgusts me and drives me own obsession with diet culture.
I feel pressured, overwhelmed and disgusted at myself and I do not know where to start. I am too fat to be body positive and I am too fat to be healthy.