On one hand I see slimmer women from magazines, airbrushed and photoshopped giving me an unrealistic view of beauty and health and on the other I see women the same size as me confident and content with their bodies. I can’t help but feel what is wrong with me. I am not body confident, the way I look disgusts me.
It’s totally my fault of course because I own my body and I have made the decisions that make it the way it is right now. I ate the food, I moved less, I had children and in those years I’ve created a mindset that has a unhealthy view of food. I restrict then binge, yo-yo diet and workout but then I get complacent, or bored, or lose willpower or feel pressured and I stop. My attitude towards food is unhealthy and my attitude towards exercise is it’s painful and I feel humiliated doing it.
But I see so many women, some the same size, some larger than me loving themselves and I don’t understand what there is to love. I don’t love anything about my body, I don’t love anything about the way I look. I don’t have respect or pride for my scars and stretchmarks. All I see is fatty flesh, shoulders too big for my small head, horrible hair that never looks right however it’s cut, makeup that I can’t ever “do” proplerly so it always looks cakey no matter my budget. I see tiny hands with bitten nails, hard skin, soft pudgy bits that don’t sit right in any clothes. I feel chub rub, boob sweat and all the aches and pains that come with carrying excess fat around my body. Do these body positive, body confident women not feel these things either? Is there something wrong with me that only I suffer with these problems of being so overweight?
Do they not find it hard getting in and out of the bath? Do they not have to put the shampoo and conditioner in reach before getting in because the tyres around their middle prevent them actually reaching forward enough? Do they not sweat so much it makes them embaressed to go outside? Do they not look at themselves and the sag and excess skin and sretch marks and wish at times they could just unzip it at the back and step out of this fat suit? If they don’t feel like this then why do I feel like this if I am “one of them”
I do not want to be so slim and so ripped. I don’t need loads of muscles on show or eight abs. I don’t care about having a bit of a mum pouch from my two c-sections. I just want to wear a pair of jeans from a supermarket rather than expensive shops dedicated to plus sizes. I want to buy a bra that costs £6 instead of £36. I want to have a healthy respect for my body and a positive relationship with food.
I do not want to spend the next thirty years of my life stepping on and off the sad step until I reach my target weight and then obsessing over maintaining that weight for years to come. I do not want to have to restrict myself from food groups forever. I just want to be able to understand when I’m full and to have enough. I don’t want to have to overeat to the point of discomfort and I want to continue actually really enjoying food because it tastes so good. I don’t want to be stuck on a traffic light system focusing in on labels for the rest of my life in case something is too fatty or too high in sugar.
I want to learn to trust myself to make healthy choices and to enjoy movement. I want to be a good role model to my kids and show them that being healthy is not about being thin but it is about mental relationships. I do not want my children to live a live of obsession over their weight but how can I prevent that when the way I look disgusts me and drives me own obsession with diet culture.
I feel pressured, overwhelmed and disgusted at myself and I do not know where to start. I am too fat to be body positive and I am too fat to be healthy.
This made me heart ache. And my eyes weep. Kayleigh – your not to fat to make a change, your not to fat to be healthy. You just need to realise that you have the power to make the change. To beckem positive. To become empowered. You need the support from others to give you that empowerment, to give you the boost. Your not to fat to love yourself, you just need to find something that you do love, and remember you are loved. Life is hard, and convenience food, time, money and just effort gets in the way of being a happier healthier person. But you have to think of the bigger picture. Being healthy will set a better lifestyle for you and the kids. It wil help you to build up love for not only yourself but for the healthier way. That doesn’t mean join a fat club, or does it mean join the gym. It just means – have some veggies, fruit, make good swaps; move a little more and reflect! Don’t give up the naughty treats – just more moderation.
Kayleigh, you a beautiful person, you have a beautiful family and you are just figuring out life like the rest of us – don’t ever think your to fat for anything.
I think it's more about making the right change, does that make sense? I don't feel like it's as simple as moderation for me, not at the moment, it's more about tackling my relationship with food and why I feel like I don't have the motivation to stick at something and this need to constantly feel full rather than a little bit hungry. I feel like I need to dig deeper because I need to be consistent and deal with the mental blocks that are preventing me from sticking at anything. The mental attitude I have towards food just isn't healthy and I really feel like that's where I need to start to make a lifelong change. Thank you for your lovely words xx