It’s a pretty coming trait amongst ADHDers to have time blindness. The concept of time is unfathomable to me. I sit here writing this having already procrastinated and distracted myself from writing this post several times, knowing I need to be ready to leave the house at 9.10am this morning, knowing how long it takes me to get ready so I’ve given myself enough time to sort my stuff out. Morning appointments are absolutely better for me, providing I’ve woken up at a reasonable time, because they feel like they pass faster. If I have to leave the house at 9.10 then I will have more than enough time to get ready if I shut down this computer at 8am. That gives me just over an hour to do hair, makeup, clothes, get Felix ready and be on time in theory. The reality is I will either underestimate how long I need for all that and be waiting impatiently for twenty minutes ready to go and not being able to or I will be running late. There is no such thing as on time in the world of ADHD.
Morning Waiting Mode is never really that bad because it’s always kind of a rush to get out the door for 8.10am (it’s usually closer to 8.20am) because I have more things to do. Afternoon waiting mode is incredibly frustrating because I spend the entire day waiting for the appointment, clockwatching, flitting between doing stuff to try and pass the time but not being able to really commit or focus on anything other than clockwatching simply because I have the absolute FEAR of being late so I am obnoxiously early for most things.
Then comes waiting mode for something releasing, like a video game, like say, FF7 Rebirth…a sequel to a game that came out four years ago. A game that is a remake of not just my favourite Final Fantasy game but probably my favourite game of all time. Something I am equally excited and anxious for. Something I am hopeful will surpass all expectations. Something I have obsessed over since the PS3 tech demo and the 2015 confirmation that FF7 Remake was being done. Something I have waited a very long time for. I know I can predownload the game in a couple of days, I’ve played the demo and experienced all that had to offer, I’ve replayed FF7 Remake to familiarise myself with the story and gameplay. I’ve played and completed Crisis Core for the first time to make sure I was fully up to date with everything I could be from Zack’s point of view. The thing is I did all of this in the coming months to FF7 Rebirth coming out knowing the release date would be 29th February. I have been excited and keeping busy for what should be the shortest month of the year, has felt like the longest and it’s not even over yet. I am literally days away from finally playing this game and yet I am stuck in this perpetual waiting mode because my stupid brain can not think of anything else to focus on.
There is all of this talk on how neurospicy people hyperfocus and it’s true, we do, but we don’t control the hyperfocus, it controls us. There are times when it works it’s absolute magic, when I have been able to read through huge books in a day, where I’ve got so much housework or paid work done in a short space of time because I can just zone in and get it done. When you are hyperfocused on something but you literally can not do anything it is brain breaking. I am fidgeting, restless, I can’t sleep properly, I can’t play other games because I’m getting annoyed with them too fast, I can’t read because I can’t focus. I can not force myself to focus on anything else right now. I am simply stuck, waiting until 9.15am on Thursday so I can play my little video game like the fangirl I am. I joke, slightly, at that because I am allowed, as an adult and videogame enthusiast to get excited about something and to plan out my time to play it. It is instead this very frustrating period of time where I can’t do the thing I want to do but equally I can’t do anything else either. In fact, writing this rambling post is the most productive thing I’ve probably done in the past few days.
This is one of the things that I think people don’t really get when you have ADHD. I have something I’m looking forward to, yet I can’t really focus on anything else. But my brain is currently telling me how stupid that is, how immature I am, how other adults don’t do this, how much of a failure I am because I can’t keep busy for a few more days. Because what I’m looking forward isn’t a ‘normal’ thing for other women, or mothers, my age to get excited for. This is the hyperactivity that people don’t see. How my mind is constantly against me when I’m excited for something by not letting me enjoy other things enough and by criticizing my want and desire to be excited for something. It leads to so much self loathing and frustration. It’s exhausting. What other people see as an ADHD person being lazy and procrastinating is often someone that is really struggling in that moment because they are seriously lacking in dopamine and unable to regulate themselves. They are stuck in this void of waiting mode where they just can’t get other things done properly.
You can’t switch ADHD on and off. You can’t just have the ‘quirky and fun’ part of ADHD that people often see or stereotypically think about. You have to deal with all the difficult parts of it too.
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