Trigger warning: Suicidal thoughts, self harm and very poor mental health.
Right now, I am severely depressed and stressed with my life. I feel like I am in a constant state of fight, flight or freeze with the latter being my near constant state of existing. Honestly this all started with the pandemic, with my blog work kind of stopping and being in such a weird place in history and I’ve never been able to pick myself back up. I never really considered my depression was as bad as to be suicidal and I never really understood why someone would feel like that until now. Because I do feel like that. I feel like things would be better if I wasn’t around. This is not a subject that should shock people that know me because I have said this. I have spoken to my GP. I have reached out to find support but constantly having to chase help, chase waiting lists, chase pharmacies for medication, constantly trying over and over and over again has exhausted me. I just can’t do it any more. I can’t keep telling people the same things because nothing has changed and to be met with ‘just ask for help’ – because I am sick of asking and waiting and asking and waiting.
I think the only thing that stops me from acting on any suicidal thoughts right now is the fact that I could not traumatize my children that way for the rest of their lives. I already feel like a burden to most people and I just do not want to make their existence, their potential mental health issues, be because I unalived myself. That isn’t noble though, it’s not some big gesture to make me think look how great I am for not doing that. And the thoughts are never of the ‘how’ but just of the ‘if I wasn’t here things would be better for others’. Although in spite all of that, in spite of the intrusive thoughts, I don’t want to die. I want things to get better. I really do have some small ember of hope smoldering away inside me somewhere desperately wanting things to be better but I don’t know how and I am so overwhelmed with having to do the things that might improve things.
That is the reality of my life I am coming to terms with the fact that I am unwell and now ‘classed’ as disabled. Whilst there are things I am hopeful and sure will get better in the future at some point there is a large part of me trying to come to terms with the fact that because I am autistic and have ADHD there is only so much I can do that will change. I admire the people that have been able to use their diagnosis to get to know themselves so much better and make things better for themselves but I wonder how they have the energy to do it because I don’t. And that in itself makes everything feel worse because in a world where I have constantly asked myself ‘why can’t I do that to’ and know having the answer to that question – because I am autistic, because my brain does things differently – and the people I know that are also autistic or have ADHD do look like they are managing. So again, why can’t I? I am not saying that they don’t have their demons or struggles or difficulties because I know that they do but for something that makes you constantly want to fit in, or people please, or compare yourself to others it certainly makes everything feel so overwhelming.
I know suicidal thoughts and acts are more common with neurodivergent people. I know the life expectancy of someone with ADHD is around 15 years less than the average person probably because like me they face burnout and stress so early on in their life and living with it for so long is traumatizing. I know that if I could just take some rest from my life and responsibilities and have the time to actually focus on getting better I probably could but I can’t. I have considered looking into being a voluntary inpatient at a mental health hospital but I don’t have anyone to look after my children for an undecided amount of time. I feel like everything is against me, including my own brain and body most days. So I feel stuck in this space of not being able to help myself and not being able to escape any of it and it fills me with such strong guilt, shame and self loathing.
As a result of feeling so burnt out I am exhausted all of the time. I hate having to leave the house and the things that used to bring me joy and comfort no longer do. As a way to cope with loneliness during the pandemics initial lockdown I started playng an MMO which for a long time helped me meet people and talk to people and gave me something to focus on. I was reading so many wonderful stories and talking to people about the books they loved. I was collecting things that made me happy but now all of that just feels like it is too much. I struggle with household chores and being the only one that really does any. I struggle getting out of bed and just going to the living room sometimes in a flat I have lived in for such a long time now that it too makes me miserable. The lack of space, the bed sharing and cosleeping with my son, not having any space to myself, constantly clearing up after four people, parenting a teenager and a primary school aged child comes with its own challenges. The lack of money or the fact that the money I do have just goes. The debt I have built up and trying to get under control. Having to remember every week to bid on a house to move and forgetting. Bills to pay that aren’t set up by direct debits. Knowing I need a new energy key but not wanting to call because I don’t want to talk on the phone but my emails going unanswered. The fact that the post is about three weeks behind here for some reason so even if a key had been sent I have no way of knowing when it will turn up. The school admin stuff that for some reason isn’t working for my phone number so I was late booking my son’s nativity show places.
I feel useless and incompetent. I feel stupid. I feel like I am just so completely worthless all of the time. I don’t feel respected or liked by many people because I find friendships so difficult to maintain. I hardly have any conversations that are positive because I am always moaning about something and the discussions that happen at home are because I’m stressed. I feel like a burden because I just keep repeating myself with what I need help with and I feel like no one cares and no one listens. Or they listen and they offer help but the reality is I don’t want to ask anymore. I want people to see the mess and say ‘I can fix this’ and just do it. I don’t want to delegate and write lists about what needs doing and what dates need remembering and what budgeting needs considering and having to bid on houses or remember to pay bills. I want someone to just take care of some of those things so I don’t have to because it is killing me. I feel like all of this is so silly to get worked up over, that normal people just manage to do it and I don’t.
It is cathartic at least to be able to put this somewhere and get it out of my head and onto something else. Looking at it it and reading through it is ugly and harsh and frustrating because it is my life. I so wish I could write something joyous and wonderful but that would simply be a lie. Life right now, is anything but wonderful. Admitting that feels like showing just how weak and vulnerable I am. However in all of this, I am only one person that is overwhelmed and frustrated trying to navigate through the day in a time that is so desperately hard to keep going. And despite all of this, I still do have some semblance of hope. I still love people. I still have a desire to stick around. I am tired. I am sad. But one day, I will be better and one day I will not feel worthless.