I want to make it absolutely clear that as a feminist, I celebrate International Women’s Day for all women, trans folk and the lgtbq+ community because women’s rights globally have a huge impact on minorities. I feel this as a queer person who has continuously questioned their gender identity and sexuality which is surrounded in gender based bias, especially as one that has been in straight-passing relationships for most of her adult life. I write this for folks that have experienced gender based bias, harassment and violence from their work colleagues, health professionals and romantic partners.
It’s 2022, we’ve faced a lot of rubbish in the last few years with a pandemic and now a horribly violent conflict in Europe. My heart goes out to all those fleeing the war in Ukraine right now. I couldn’t write this without saying; how I feel so incredibly guilty about just carrying on with my day to day life knowing and seeing the events unfold on the continent and, getting increasingly frustrated at the UK governments approach completely lacking in consideration and compassion. The case of Sarah Everard last year highlighting once again men in a position of authority will target women just because they can and their colleagues will give them sexually aggressive nicknames and laugh about it rather than raise concerns about a person’s misogynistic approach.
I am not on board with the entire ‘not all men’ comment which always comes around during International Women’s Day – not all men are abusers, not all men are sexually aggressive, not all men are violent against women – we know. We know it’s not all men. This should go without saying. But it is 1 in 3 women that experience gender based violence, sexual abuse and harassment because of a man. This post isn’t about being anti-men. I have been a victim of sexual abuse, of domestic violence, of harassment and of gender based bias from strangers, in relationships, male health professionals and in the workplace. I do not hate all men. I have not given up on all men. I am not fearful or automatically untrustworthy of all men. Not to mention I have heard harrowing tales of gender based emotional and physical abuse by women to men. I know it exists. I just feel we can’t #BreakTheBias if we ignore that. But I hope, that with equality, understanding, awareness; that erasing gender based bias for all genders, for all minorities and sexualities, we will come together better.
It’s 2022 and we still have a government that doesn’t particularly care about gender based rights. That feels like a middle class white man’s old boys club and women in the cabinet that just hate other women really. We still don’t have things in place to truly protect a women’s place in the workplace after having children, decent maternity pay, decent paternity pay and adequate time off even. Where flexible working feels like a code for ‘lazy’ despite so many women over the last few years proving they can work from home successfully whilst still being mothers and having to crisis school. Where the gender pay gap still exists. Being a woman, and being a mother, does not make you any less capable in the work place than your colleagues.
In 2022 it’s still up to women to prevent their own sexual assault by not walking alone at night and rape victims still being asked what they were wearing. It’s still up to women to alter their hormone levels to protect from pregnancies and in so many places in the world not have access to safe, legal abortions. And most of the time these decisions that directly affect a women’s safety, sexual and mental health are made for by men. Alongside all of this is the discrimination and exploitation of sex workers that are criminalised and stereotyped yet the folk that want to use these services are encouraged and almost celebrated. I have nothing against sex work, if someone wants to do that kind of work and they are able to do it safely then it makes no difference to me.
I remember watching something on television not so long ago about men not knowing how to approach women because they were worried about coming across as misogynistic and sexist following the me too movement but it didn’t occur to them that women might want to be treated and spoken to in just a regular way? It is time to end gender bias once and for all for the equality, safety and protection of all genders. So I celebrate today thinking of the wonderful achievements women have made in history, I mourn the loss of life at the hands of gender based violence and in countries where women are not as fortunate as I am to live in a safer part of the world.
I recently read an article about how Britain is facing a ‘Baby Shortage’ which is predicted to lead to ‘economic stagnation’ due to the fact there will be an increase in the amount of people retired vs the amount of people in work. An aging population, a decline in the amount of births, I suppose, means less products for the machine to keep the economy going. You can read the whole article via The Guardian and the reports from Social Market Foundation Thinktank who are trying to think of ways to encourage people to have children. It’s comparing data since the 1960’s post war baby boom to today and predicting by 2050, a quarter of Britons will be 65+ and either working less or retired (if, by that point, we can actually afford to stop working). Suggestions include improving childcare as it can be very unaffordable, and creating a cross government taskfosk to improve pronatalist policies to improve the amount of children per woman back to 2.1 which helps keep the economy at a ‘stable level’ apparently. So what should they do? What would encourage you to have more children or start a family? What puts you off?
Raising a family is a personal choice and should never be forced or women made responsible for expanding the population
What the government should NOT do under any circumstance
Do Not Ban Abortions
I am fully supportive of women that want or need to have safe abortions for whatever reason they choose. I do not believe in banning abortions under any circumstance. This would be an awful suggestion following in the footsteps of the US which has seen more and more states increase abortion bans. This is a violation of womens rights and bodily autonomy. It is a possibly I am sure many ministers would approve but I would hope that the majority of MP’s would oppose such a horrific proposal. Everyone deserves the option to seek safe medical care and that includes the allowance of abortions. Having children is a lifechanging decision and the reasons women have abortions are varied, can be complex and, quite frankly are no one else’s business. This will not help improve things but instead it will see more children in care, more children in foster homes and, more peri and post natal mental health issues.
Continue raising taxes and national insurance for low income workers
The recent tax and national insurance hike will dramatically affect a couple’s want to start a family. Now there is the two children limit on benefits, bedroom tax and minimum wage not near enough a genuine living wage having children is more expensive than ever. I’ll touch on childcare later on in this post but childcare provisions for low income workers in receipt of Universal Credit doesn’t start until the child is two years three months, yet statutory maternity pay ends at 9 months. Wages aren’t going up fast enough but the cost of living is rising expotentially. Many women make a tough choice about returning to work before their child is one and the money earned to childcare ratio is simply not good enough and with employers not willing to consider part time, job share and flexi working its a real problem. And it’s not just childcare either, it’s the donations to nurseries and schools, the uniform, the bags, the shoes, the food…it all costs money. Some people can’t afford to have children, some don’t want to have children until their in a much more stable place financially, and that’s often older. Some people just don’t want children at all, and some parents are just happy to have the one because that completes their family or, they may have had to access fertility treatment and can’t afford or can’t go through the process again. The same way many women choose to have abortions, many couples and women choose not to have children and this needs to be respected. However, it can’t be ignored that lack of financial stability is a factor when deciding to start a family.
What things would genuinely help to improve couples wanting to expand and increase their families?
Childcare Provision
The think tank was not wrong suggesting better childcare would help improve the birthrate. Childcare is expensive and as I said above there is a shortfall of help from the end of maternity leave to the start of government funded hours. I believe tax free childcare might help some parents if the workplace is signed on to the scheme but personally I have never found that to be particularly competitive when working a full time job as it does not even nearly cover the amount of hours needed to enroll a child in full time nursery. Potentially it could help cover costs if you have grandparents help but it works out at every £8 you pay for childcare, the government would pay £2. Childcare is around £55-60 per day in my local area, that’s approx £1,300 per month. A tax free £500 every three months might help but it certainly isn’t good enough. For those on benefits the assistance with childcare and claim up to 85% of your childcare costs depending on income. So in retrospect for lower income workers there is help out there but there is also a lot of shame and stigma around claiming benefits and there are a lot of hoops to jump through in order to get the amount entitled to.
I think funded hours should be brought in for working parents much earlier than two years three months (low income) and three years three months (everyone else) to make it more affordable, rather than the tax free childcare scheme which on paper doesn’t really look very helpful.
Statutory leave for parents is awful, particularly for new dads or partners eligible for paternity leave. It’s a reduction in pay and a lot of pressure for parents to get back to work straight away. I would like to see maternity leave increased from nine months to twelve months and the pay increased to a full wage for the first six months and reduced to 85% (the current stat pay) from six to twelve months. Paternity leave should be extended to a minimum of six weeks and should be paid at full pay for the first two weeks and at 85% for the remaining four weeks. Those initial six weeks at home with your newborn are crucial for bonding, establishing breastfeeding, adjusting to new family life and offering your partner much needed support.
Birth can be beautiful but it can also be traumatic and 25% of first time births happen via c-section ie. major abdominal surgery which takes 12 weeks to fully recover from. At day ten when Adam went back to work I was still struggling to move around, get myself out of the bath and lay comfortably in bed. Recovery time varies but I bet I’d recover a lot better if I hadn’t had to do a 40 minute school run, and try and look after all of us whilst my partner worked nights and attended university. I know our circumstances were unique but I felt a lot of pressure to recover quickly despite having complex surgery, loosing a lot of blood and having a newborn to look after not to mention all the post natal feelings. We talk alot about increasing breast feeding support, something I really struggled with, but perhaps if partners were at home to help for six weeks then mothers could establish breastfeeding and we’d see those statistics raise too because they could just focus on that rather than the home, the school run, and all the other things that are expected of the parent that stays home.
Flexible Working
I understand that new government plans are enabling workers to ask for flexible working from day one, and if anything this pandemic has taught us that parents can work flexibly, from home, around homeschooling, during a time of national crisis. However, I just don’t see all employers allowing it to happen despite the cost effectiveness flexi working can bring both employers and workers. Honestly, it has a really good affect on morale, productivity, helps cut carbon emissions, office costs etc however flexi working does not mean a lack of pay because when you work from home you’re transferring energy costs back to the worker. But Flexible working doesn’t just mean having to work from home. It could be changing the traditional working week, introducing job shares. Pregnant then screwed is a great campaigning website to help parents get fair treatment and rights post starting a family in the workplace particularly if you’ve faced parental or maternity discrimination.
Recent research has suggested that a 4 day working week offers the same amount of productivity, in some cases more, as a five day working week. Adam does a 4 on 4 off shift basis and it has dramatically improved our family life because even though he works nights and the first day off he’s really tired, he has enough time at home to adjust and actually feel like he has some consistent time away from work. I think more research was done to show employees reach peak efficient performance at six hours, so an eight+ hour working day isn’t getting people to be more productive, it probably makes them clockwatch all that bit more. There are plenty of chances to offer flexibility in the work place and I genuinely think if workers weren’t afraid to ask for a flexible work schedule – because employers think flexible = lazy/not productive/inability to manage priorities (I mean, they really couldn’t be more wrong here) – we would have more people wanting to have a family without threat of their jobs being compromised. Oh, and this absolutely HAS to incorporate a realistic living wage, better maternity/paternity benefits and childcare provision.
Inability to access fertility treatments and have the time off employment to do this
For LGTBQTIA+ couples and Cis couples that require fertility treatments there is a bit of inquality here. Fertility appointments can take time and can be invasive and painful requiring time away from the workplace and, for some couples, they can be incredibly expensive. I can’t comment too much here because it’s not an area I am experienced in but this type of access needs to be improved and employers need to be able to discuss this with workers with compassion and sensitivity. Again, a realistic living wage would help with the financial stress particularly if time off is needed.
Saving for a first house deposit vs starting a family
One other thing I think is worth mentioning is the fact that it takes a long time to save for a deposit on a house these days. Not everyone is lucky enough to get financial support from family for their first mortgage or can live with parents enabling them to save the funds. It sort of feels like you either save for a deposit on a house and then plan a family or if you want a family first, you rent. Saving money as you rent and raise children is not easy especially without a realistic living wage. People are choosing to have babies later on in their life and getting their career sorted and buying a home will probably be on many people’s priority list.
Save Our Planet vs starting a family
Another thing I think it’s worth mentioning is it isn’t just the financial cost of raising children that people are considering these days. Those that care about climate change are very seriously concerned about a growing, aging global population. Raising a child also increases your carbon footprint and waste. Being perfectly green is incredibly hard and even more so when having children. A growing population is a real cause for concern as it means more green spaces will be destroyed for housing, more animals killed for food, more waste from nappies, more plastics in use, and so on. The government are not serious enough about the importance of climate change and these are real worries and real concerns that people have when we only have one planet.
Whatever the case, starting a family, raising children is expensive. It’s also an incredibly personal decision and not something that should ever be forced on people. The cost of living is rising, and the cost of raising a child raising with it. If the government want more workers in work in the future then they need to provide potential parents with fair working regulations and financial security. Rent needs to be affordable for bigger homes, because buying a home is becoming increasingly difficult as finding £20,000+ is not easy whilst you’re having to pay out for rent and bills. Comparing data from the 60’s to today seems a little weird to me because society is completely different. The 40 hour working week that has become the norm today was designed so that one person could stay home to raise the children. Now, financial commitments mean that, on average, one wage is not enough money to live and raise a family on.
The latest in how we all hate fat people (I am a fat person) is a medievil magnetic structure to prevent your mouth opening more than like 2mm – here’s the Guardian article and back to school weigh ins in September. It’s all a load of absolute bullshit. 2mm? Is that some sort of liquid diet from now on then? The issue isn’t a complete lack of control about shoving food in all day long it’s all complex and has so many varients that will cost money to fix but we have a hoarding, greedy government that only want short term solutions. They don’t care about your issues or problems or disorders or poverty that cause many people problems when it comes to food so instead they are, yet again, going to shame fat people, parents of children being weighed and compared to a BMI scale thats outdated.
My Issue With School Weigh Ins
My daughter is going through her hormone things. I mean it’s a battle to get her to eat fruit and vegetables but she does. She has a relatively healthy diet despite changing her mind what she will eat on a bi-weekly basis. She has a healthy portion, she has a school dinner and she’s tried a variety of foods. She has some issues but I try really hard to make all kinds of food accessible to her. Now she’s getting closer and closer to her teens she’s had another massive growth spurt, she’s filling out in a perfectly healthy way and that means she has some fat to her body. Finding clothes to fit her has started to become a problem and she mostly has to buy things aged 12-14 depending on where we shop. Things don’t fit her well in the length and of course in every shop sizing is different. We tried her in ‘adult’ sizes and she was a size six to eight. Perfectly healthy for a growing preteen body that is filling out and getting taller.
If I am told in September that she is ‘at risk’ of being overweight or obese I will scream. I am genuinely worried about what it will do to her self confidence. I really try to be size inclusive, talk positively and I don’t comment on her body. I try not to restrict food in an unhealthy way and as a result my daughter doesn’t binge the way I do. I could absolutely do better but I could also do worse. I want to promote a healthy, varied relationship with food and joyous movement. I want to promote a positive body attitude and reiterate that fat is a normal, healthy part of your body growing and changing. I don’t want my daughter to get caught out thinking a size 12, 14 or 16 is unhealthy like I did and as a result have binge eating, disordered eating and a terrible relationship with my body and food.
I worry that school weigh ins will shame parents that are from poorer backgrounds especially like I was because there is a huge link between poverty and obesity but why would the Tories want to fix that? They hate the poor!
Things that SHOULD happen instead of shaming parents, school weigh ins and mouth torture devices
Allow children to see all different body shapes and sizes moving, happy, living their best lives and existing.
Allow children to see all different body shapes and sizes exercising. That kind of has to start with me really, the fat woman doing yoga and lifting weights and swimming like I used to.
Teach children proper nutrition and how to cook from scratch not just cake baking. Change the curriculum to include making sauces, trying lots of different fruit and vegetables, meal planning for a family and finding new favourite flavours.
Stop labelling food as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ choices because that develops into guilt and shame. Food is food.
Talk about eating disorders and the problems they cause and where they can come from. It’s not just binge and purge.
Talk about emotional eating and finding nourishment. When we figure out the craving or emotion we can turn to something else rather than food.
Stop talking about taking things out of meals but instead what we can put in? What will give us more nourishment, more nutrition, more colour to our plates?
Stop promoting slimming clubs outside schools. Children don’t need to diet and they don’t need to see those kind of advertisements reminding them that they’re not good enough, not skinny enough, not slim enough and not someone they’ve never mets ideal beauty standard. Actively be anti-diet
Offer therapy for eating disorder patients including the fat ones. Believe fat people when they say they have a problem with food or an eating disorder.
Offer children a variety of sports at school so they can find something they enjoy. Give them choice. Stop making them play endless games (I’m looking at you, Rounders) that they hate playing.
Teach children that another person’s body has nothing to do with them, to be kind as bodies around them change and grow.
Make healthy food choices more appealing and accessible. Stop shops discounting processed food which is affordable and instead focus on things like fruit and vegetable boxes.
Ultimately it’s a lot of work from parents and what teachers have to teach. It’s changing the attitude. It’s stopping using an out dated system to measure health. It’s getting to the root cause of the issue – why does this problem have an issue with food? How can we help them overcome this issue? This is a mental health problem just as much, if not more, than it is a physical one. If loosing weight was just as simple as not opening your mouth then we would all be thin all the time. It’s also important to remember thiness does not autimatically equal health, just as fatness does not automatically equal lack of self control.
I was inspired to write this after seeing a poem on Instagram by @thelizaparadox who wrote an amazing original poem that rang so true with me. I don’t really do poetry to be honest. It kind of went off on a tangent about how I don’t like the goverment but you know that’s how I am.
I don’t understand why the people in charge Continue to see us stopped on a march Or vigil, or protest, or from simply existing Being someone like me feels like a terrible thing At times, but I want to speak up Things need to change, we have had enough
When ninety-seven percent of women are scared To walk home, alone, in the dark, so prepared For violence, harrasment, catcalling and shouts Quickening foosteps behind them might pounce So we carry keys tightly clenched between fingers Walk quickly, well lit, flat shoes, don’t linger
This government say they do all that they can For safety, equality; it’s all in their plan But we don’t seem to triumph, we are still asking why And we’re told it’s our fault, chin up, don’t cry
When it’s so hard to find twenty quid a week To help feed the needy, the poor and the weak But easy to fund a failing system Of tracking and tracing covid symptoms The kids can go hungry, but ministers well fed With heavily subsidised food and drinks instead Those who are priveledged will say ‘not my taxpayers money’ Because they’re conditioned to think that the poor are not worthy For the basic standard of living that they take for granted With single mums working two jobs are told they’ll get shafted
Our healthworkers and nurses are so underpaid Despite a pandemic their pay is not raised They’ve saved countless lives despite poor personal protection From a virus that’s lead to so many infections Where people can’t breathe, can’t move and will die Our healthcare workers put their own lives on the line To save who they can, to continue to work Without breaks, loosing pay and the government smirks They’ll clap and they’ll smile and they’ll tell them thanks Whilst selling our healthcare system behind their backs
Minimum wage was supposed to help us all To save for a home, a pension and crawl Out of the gutter some find themselves in But now those working are relying on tins Donated from people, shelters and food banks Whispers from strangers they’re poor cos they drank Or the smoked, or took drugs or had too many kids When they can’t afford it they should just get rid But the cost of living has been unobtainable Despite so many years of our ‘strong and stable’ Government in charge making cuts left and right So many backed in a corner, struggling and can’t fight.
Social media’s alive with points of be kind, I’m here, don’t struggle I won’t leave you behind Celebrating international women’s day together Then telling a woman you do not believe her Because she’s saying she struggled and nobody helped her So she’s an actress, a liar, and someone that’s rich But she’s also a mother, so it could be a glich In our soceity that likes to victimise women Make them feel like they’re problems, and demons
Then when we protest and make ourselves heard We are pinned down on the floor, this is absurd That at the start of the week we were celebrating But clearly too much because it has been baiting A man’s ego because it’s not all men don’t you know But ninenty seven percent of women to mow Down and push to one side, out with the flow Of paperwork, reports that do not get filed In a justice system that acts so mild Or even worse ruins a character Of a victim that was brave to share what was the matter
The problem with violence against women is the removal of ‘male’ in a sentance that should read Male Violence Against Womxn to include cis women, trans men and women, non binary folx and basically anyone that has ever been a victim of assault because of their gender and/or sexuality. The problem with saying #notallmen is because that is nonwithstanding but victims of assualt shouldn’t have to say “OF COURSE ITS NOT ALL MEN!” – that’s obvious, but it is too many men. We are dealing with thousands of years of men growing up in a repetitive culture of believing women are second class citezins to them, that they are propriety and lets not forget that sex and gender equality are brand new laws. We’ve had laws in the UK for centuries upon centuries yet the laws for discrimination, equality and violence against women have been socialised within men since time began. There are parts of this world were non-binary is not a term used, where people are not free to define their sexuality, where they risk child marriage, clitoradectomies and genital mutilation (all because a man has decided that is how women should be). So it may not be all men, particularly in the UK where laws have changed but domestically and globally it is still too many men.
There is currently an open consultation for the home office regarding violence against women and girls. You can find a survey at the bottom of this page. Whatever your gender I ask you to fill this out. It had over 70,000 responses last Friday 12th March when it reopened. I didn’t even know it had been open before so I’m spreading the word whilst the consultation is open. It closes again on 26th March. Fill in the survery here.
The majority of violent crime is committed by men
Here in the UK the majority of all crime committed by males is 73% which is a pretty strong statistic when it comes to the #toomanymen response. Most all violent crime is committed by men (82% as of 2020). When it comes trends in relationships; violence against women 49% of the cases reported (and that’s key, because we know not all women report crime for fear or not being taking seriously) were an intimate partner. Further, a third of domestic violence cases (which doesn’t specify gender) were repeat victims which is just heartbreaking. Globally, 1 in 3 women experience physical or sexual violence. Half of women killed worldwide are killed by their partners or family. It’s just why is this still happening and what can we do to change it? Something that really concerned me was an Amnesty report in 2005 that said ‘Women who flirt are partially responsible for being raped’ – and that is the attitude that has got to change.
Harrasment, abuse and violence women experience needs to stop.
There are many women I personally know that have felt threatened or intimidated by a man, that have walked home in the dark with their keys between their fingers. We tell girls to take self defence classes, but to also be soft and gentle and not too muscly. There is such a double standard for women all to be appeasing for a man and quite frankly it is disgusting. I myself have been assualted by a man around the corner in daylight from my home. I’ve been a victim of domestic abuse and sexual assualt. I have been discriminated against, cat called and felt unsafe. I remember once going to a club with my mum and someone not leaving me alone until my mum stepped in. It’s like, why can’t the first no mean no? Why do unsolicited dick pics get sent? Why do men automatically go to slut shaming and abuse or slurs when a women turns him down? Why aren’t women allowed to say no to male advances?
Parents have a part to play in changing the language they use and the stereotypes they fall into to help challenge perceptions such as ‘girls do this and boys do that’.
So what can we do to change the situation? I mean I don’t think it’s completely up to women to stop violence against women but we do have a part to play because women can also be passive in this argument. Firstly, as mothers we can teach our children about consent and that no means no. We can teach children about consequence and action. We can also show our children respectful, loving relationships as adult role models. This is where it gets tough though because what of the cases where domestic abuse and domestic violence exists and their are children in the household, witnessing this, and then growing up believing that ‘women should be abused’ and ‘men should be violent’ – of course this isn’t always the case and not every child born will grow up to experience toxic relationships. As I said though, it’s not just down to women, men need to do the work too. Massive changes need to happen.
Sex education needs reformation. It isn’t just about STIs. It needs to discuss sexual violence, and consent in much more detail. These are impressionable young people and all genders need their perceptions challenged so we can stop blaming girls for being victims of sexual violence.
There needs to be a reform in sexual education which discusses consent for both boys and girls in a detailed way. No means no needs to be probably reinforced in each sexual education subject. This includes personal consent and that no one has permission to touch their bodies as well as a respect for other people. Within these lessons I think we should discuss, particularly for older teenagers, statistics of sexual violence including changing perceptions on this rape culture or that ‘women are asking for it because of x y and z’. Perhaps discussing these statistics will help challenge stereotypes and help reinforce the idea of consent and actually how rape can be a lifelong source of trauma for the person. We need to stop this perception that women want sex if they flirt, dress a certain way, wear makeup, have alcohol, walk home alone at night…because the perception is not there if a man flirts, is shirtless or has alcohol. Having these inclusive conversations and trying to break down the cycle with generations to come is going to ultimately help people understand the seriousness of male violence against women.
Call out friends who jump to violent and abusive threats after being rejected by someone they have hit on.
If a male hits on someone on a night out and that person rejects them (because they are allowed to say no) then the conversation should not automatically go to abuse, slurs or violence aimed at that person because they have rejected them. Like why is it okay for a woman to reject a man and him to automatically say ‘slag’ straight away and then laugh at her with their friends. In that conversation, if you, as a man, feel uncomfortable with your male friend using this language and you stay silent you are complicent in violence against women. You need to call out these behaviours and say this isn’t acceptable. You need to tell them to stop. You need to challenge their alpha male status and tell them that their behaviour, violence and unkindess because that friend isn’t going to have sex that night needs to change. Like, it’s awful. Honestly, break it down that person had their ego scratched and their answer is to hurl abuse at the person that said ‘no thank you I do not want your penis’ is just so fundamentally stupid. It’s so basic. ‘No sex thank you’ has turned into belittlement and violence against that women like come on just brush your ego aside and use your hand again. Better yet, be a better person that makes a woman want to go home with you.
Sex in Relationships Needs Communication. Sex is not currency. Sex should not be expected.
The perception that women ‘want a bad boy’ is a load of rubbish. Women do not want to be in a violent relationship, women want to be in a respected and healthy relationship. They may want to feel protected but that doesn’t mean controlled or abused. Women may like rough sex and kinky relationships but that doesn’t mean that they deserve to be a victim of sexual assualt and violence. Women are taught that sex is taboo for them. That is about pleasing a man, and that a man finishing is the end of sex. I know this is difficult when it comes to sex education but kids should be taught that both men and women masturbate. That sex needs foreplay. That sex is about intimacy between two people, and that it is not a currency in a relationship. It should be consentual, discussed, communicated and never, ever expected from a loving partner. It doesn’t matter if you have been in a relationship for one month or twenty years, you always ask for consent explicitly. You always wait for the yes to go ahead. You always communicate and if you are exploring something new you need to ask if it’s okay. We need to talk about sex more so that consent is within our bones and so that women don’t feel that they owe it to a man and men stop treating women as sexual objects.
An investigation by UN Women UK found that 97% of women aged 18-24 have been sexually harassed, with a further 96% not reporting those situations because of the belief that it would not change anything
No matter what you believe women do not feel safe here in the UK or globally. Women are told to do all these things to prevent violence against them but it still happens.
We can’t segerate men and women, that would be entirely backwards. It’s not solving the problem. It’s essentially saying men can’t control when they need and want to commit violent crime against women so they answer is to remove women from sight and it won’t happen. Of course it will. These crimes are committed because it’s a power thing. It’s about wanting to intimidate someone that is seen as inferior to the criminal. Women, non-binary, transmen, transwomen, and even young, softer men are at risk and should absolutely be protected. However, it’s the alpha male, toxic masculinity that needs to go alongside these perceptions we have that encourage us to blame the female victim of a violent crime.
Things that need to change: A Summary List
Adult role models in respectful relationships challenging gender stereotypes and challenging their own perceptions so children and young people come to see their parents as equal people.
A complete reform in sexual education taught at year 5 and year 10 in school. The younger focusing on bodily consent for boys and girls, the biological changes a body goes through, education on LGTBQTIA+ and what that means. Telling children that no one has permission to touch their bodies without their consent and that they also need to keep their hands to themselves. In year 10, focusing on consent again but alongside violence against women, challenging perceptions that what they see isn’t real life ie. pornographic images so that men don’t expect that kind of sexual behaviour and that women don’t feel they have to be that way.
Challenging sexism in the workplace and calling out friends that use aggressive language to insult women or continous sexist jokes. We need to stop thinking it’s a funny issue. Sexism isn’t funny.
The worst thing you can do is stay silent. If you are scared of telling your friend to stop saying something because of how they will react then you need to question why you are friends with that person.
Ask before you sent intimate pictures to someone you don’t know and respect their answer. In fact, maybe don’t randomly message women and girls you don’t know on social media. Leave that to the dating apps and even when you do you still need consent.
Stop saying #notallmen like we don’t know what we are talking about. Instead, be that not all men and challenge these perceptions to your fellow man.
Learn about feminism. Educate yourselves. Read women’s stories about violence against them.
