Last May I went to the doctors to ask for an assessment for ADHD, help with my eating disorder and self referred myself through iTalk for talking therapy. This is after years of suspecting I was autistic and then seeing a friend talk about a recent ADHD really made me consider trying to get some help with my weird brain. I’ve got confirmation I’m on the waiting list for the assessment, I’ve filled in forms for the NHS weight management referral but I’m still waiting to hear and but in January I had my first session of therapy and I’ve been having meetings mostly weekly since. I have to fill in a form every week as a risk assessment saying how I’m feeling. Apparently my depression score has got lower, I don’t really know how but I’ll go with it but my fear, worries and phobias score is still the same.
Honestly I’m still not sure on CBT, I understand how it works but I don’t know how compatible it is because I struggle with doing the tasks. Mostly because I forget. Or I set intentions to do it but then get distracted or procrastinate. Or the kids need me. But it’s still early on I suppose and sessions have been interrupted for various reasons so I’m going to keep going. Mostly because I feel like I need to show I’m trying and I do want to improve my mental health. Whilst I haven’t stuck to the tasks having someone to talk to that purely focuses on how I am doing and offers me reassurance has been helpful. I am quite a talkative person I guess and I’ve always find talking helps me to unload my brain from getting too overwhelmed. Like writing, it’s an outlet for me I suppose.
Thinking about it I’ve just always been wordy – something that may contradict what people believe about autistics in a stereotypical way – you don’t have to be non-verbal or struggle talking to be autistic. In fact I think I have too many words for people, perhaps that is part of the ADHD crossing over, part of the hyperactivity is talking too much. Sometimes I will think of something I want to say and I will think and think and think on it until the words just burst out of me. It’s never small talk though it’s usually just, well it’s kind of everything or whatever I am thinking of at the moment. I struggle with a filter and saying exactly what I think or what’s going on in my mind at that exact point. I think in words and pictures, I have a narrative voice in my mind – even as I’m typing this I’m ‘hearing’ the words in my head as my fingers fly across the keyboard. I guess I feel I have to put the words somewhere which is why I’ve always kept diaries and written letters and journals and now blogs. Words have been a creative, therapeutic and cathartic.
I have found some of the feedback useful and potentially that is what has helped my mood a little bit. I’ve been told that I do have problem solving skills which is something I’ve never really thought about myself but then I look back on how things have been in the past and how I have got things done as and when I have needed too, mostly at the point of a deadline, I kind of know I can accomplish those things again. She seems reassuring each time we speak but I don’t really feel like I’ve done anything to warrant the positive feedback just yet. I have however started getting out more and moving more because it’s something I know will do me good and just having some time out of my flat, alone, has been very beneficial. I’m not sure how it will progress, as it’s still early, but I do feel a little more positive about the future.