Candyfloss & Dreams

Tag: adhd

Waiting Mode

It’s a pretty coming trait amongst ADHDers to have time blindness. The concept of time is unfathomable to me. I sit here writing this having already procrastinated and distracted myself from writing this post several times, knowing I need to be ready to leave the house at 9.10am this morning, knowing how long it takes me to get ready so I’ve given myself enough time to sort my stuff out. Morning appointments are absolutely better for me, providing I’ve woken up at a reasonable time, because they feel like they pass faster. If I have to leave the house at 9.10 then I will have more than enough time to get ready if I shut down this computer at 8am. That gives me just over an hour to do hair, makeup, clothes, get Felix ready and be on time in theory. The reality is I will either underestimate how long I need for all that and be waiting impatiently for twenty minutes ready to go and not being able to or I will be running late. There is no such thing as on time in the world of ADHD.

Morning Waiting Mode is never really that bad because it’s always kind of a rush to get out the door for 8.10am (it’s usually closer to 8.20am) because I have more things to do. Afternoon waiting mode is incredibly frustrating because I spend the entire day waiting for the appointment, clockwatching, flitting between doing stuff to try and pass the time but not being able to really commit or focus on anything other than clockwatching simply because I have the absolute FEAR of being late so I am obnoxiously early for most things.

Then comes waiting mode for something releasing, like a video game, like say, FF7 Rebirth…a sequel to a game that came out four years ago. A game that is a remake of not just my favourite Final Fantasy game but probably my favourite game of all time. Something I am equally excited and anxious for. Something I am hopeful will surpass all expectations. Something I have obsessed over since the PS3 tech demo and the 2015 confirmation that FF7 Remake was being done. Something I have waited a very long time for. I know I can predownload the game in a couple of days, I’ve played the demo and experienced all that had to offer, I’ve replayed FF7 Remake to familiarise myself with the story and gameplay. I’ve played and completed Crisis Core for the first time to make sure I was fully up to date with everything I could be from Zack’s point of view. The thing is I did all of this in the coming months to FF7 Rebirth coming out knowing the release date would be 29th February. I have been excited and keeping busy for what should be the shortest month of the year, has felt like the longest and it’s not even over yet. I am literally days away from finally playing this game and yet I am stuck in this perpetual waiting mode because my stupid brain can not think of anything else to focus on.

There is all of this talk on how neurospicy people hyperfocus and it’s true, we do, but we don’t control the hyperfocus, it controls us. There are times when it works it’s absolute magic, when I have been able to read through huge books in a day, where I’ve got so much housework or paid work done in a short space of time because I can just zone in and get it done. When you are hyperfocused on something but you literally can not do anything it is brain breaking. I am fidgeting, restless, I can’t sleep properly, I can’t play other games because I’m getting annoyed with them too fast, I can’t read because I can’t focus. I can not force myself to focus on anything else right now. I am simply stuck, waiting until 9.15am on Thursday so I can play my little video game like the fangirl I am. I joke, slightly, at that because I am allowed, as an adult and videogame enthusiast to get excited about something and to plan out my time to play it. It is instead this very frustrating period of time where I can’t do the thing I want to do but equally I can’t do anything else either. In fact, writing this rambling post is the most productive thing I’ve probably done in the past few days.

This is one of the things that I think people don’t really get when you have ADHD. I have something I’m looking forward to, yet I can’t really focus on anything else. But my brain is currently telling me how stupid that is, how immature I am, how other adults don’t do this, how much of a failure I am because I can’t keep busy for a few more days. Because what I’m looking forward isn’t a ‘normal’ thing for other women, or mothers, my age to get excited for. This is the hyperactivity that people don’t see. How my mind is constantly against me when I’m excited for something by not letting me enjoy other things enough and by criticizing my want and desire to be excited for something. It leads to so much self loathing and frustration. It’s exhausting. What other people see as an ADHD person being lazy and procrastinating is often someone that is really struggling in that moment because they are seriously lacking in dopamine and unable to regulate themselves. They are stuck in this void of waiting mode where they just can’t get other things done properly.

You can’t switch ADHD on and off. You can’t just have the ‘quirky and fun’ part of ADHD that people often see or stereotypically think about. You have to deal with all the difficult parts of it too.

February 25, 2024
My Struggle with ADHD/ASD Diagnosis

Trigger warning: Suicidal thoughts, self harm and very poor mental health.

I have always spoken about my struggles with my mental health and wellbeing on this blog so it is of no surprise I’m sure to any regular reader that I suffer with anxiety and depression. I’ve been in denial about depression previously but I think I finally understand what that looks like for me now. I’ve also talked about wanting a diagnosis for ADHD and coming away with a double diagnosis of ‘textbook’ ADHD and Autism Spectrum Disorder. I have been trying to process that for the last year or so now and I don’t think I’ve really been able to or at least, having suffered with my mental health since my teens this has affected my ability to process such a diagnosis. Despite the struggles, despite how hard it has been I needed this diagnosis. It is validating to know that some of the things that I have struggled with all my life are because my brain is different and not just because I am the weird, quirky one.

Writing about my difficulties as well as my celebrations and happy occasions like getting our pet cat who I love so very much has always been important to me. I don’t like putting it out there that my life is some sort of fantasy dream of a person that had a lot of holidays and purchased a lot of candles. From the start of this blog so many years ago my intention was to share something real in the hope that someone would find it and read it and feel like they were understood by someone else. That someone got what they were struggling with. That they could reach out to someone that kind of got what they were going through even if it was different or for other reasons. I have always been someone that wants to help other people in ways I don’t feel like I am or have been helped. Perhaps, some of that comes from wanting to people please because I know I do that as well but knowing that this is me putting out there and not knowing who it might help in some small way kind of takes the people pleasing away. I’m not writing this to be liked by someone, to impress them, to try and provide value to someone else. I am writing this because writing it feels helpful to me. It may only ever be read by regular readers who already know my difficulties but on the off chance that it could give someone, something then it feels like it’s worth doing and worth saying.

There isn’t all that much help directly for ADHD and being autistic and I have tried seeking help with the other things, tried anti depressants and anti anxiety meds. I am too a victim of the current medication shortage and so have been a few weeks without my correct dosage of ADHD meds which is another thing I need to chase my doctor and pharmacy about but I just can’t. I would really benefit from proper therapy I think. Not just CBT to change behaviours but someone to actually help me work through the depression and anxiety I’ve struggled with long before I was diagnosed but most likely have suffered with because of having a neurodivergent brain. I am someone that is traumatized and that is what I need help with more than anything – recovery from trauma and learning to listen to my needs and respond to those rather than responding to other peoples needs.

Right now, I am severely depressed and stressed with my life. I feel like I am in a constant state of fight, flight or freeze with the latter being my near constant state of existing. Honestly this all started with the pandemic, with my blog work kind of stopping and being in such a weird place in history and I’ve never been able to pick myself back up. I never really considered my depression was as bad as to be suicidal and I never really understood why someone would feel like that until now. Because I do feel like that. I feel like things would be better if I wasn’t around. This is not a subject that should shock people that know me because I have said this. I have spoken to my GP. I have reached out to find support but constantly having to chase help, chase waiting lists, chase pharmacies for medication, constantly trying over and over and over again has exhausted me. I just can’t do it any more. I can’t keep telling people the same things because nothing has changed and to be met with ‘just ask for help’ – because I am sick of asking and waiting and asking and waiting.

I think the only thing that stops me from acting on any suicidal thoughts right now is the fact that I could not traumatize my children that way for the rest of their lives. I already feel like a burden to most people and I just do not want to make their existence, their potential mental health issues, be because I unalived myself. That isn’t noble though, it’s not some big gesture to make me think look how great I am for not doing that. And the thoughts are never of the ‘how’ but just of the ‘if I wasn’t here things would be better for others’. Although in spite all of that, in spite of the intrusive thoughts, I don’t want to die. I want things to get better. I really do have some small ember of hope smoldering away inside me somewhere desperately wanting things to be better but I don’t know how and I am so overwhelmed with having to do the things that might improve things.

That is the reality of my life I am coming to terms with the fact that I am unwell and now ‘classed’ as disabled. Whilst there are things I am hopeful and sure will get better in the future at some point there is a large part of me trying to come to terms with the fact that because I am autistic and have ADHD there is only so much I can do that will change. I admire the people that have been able to use their diagnosis to get to know themselves so much better and make things better for themselves but I wonder how they have the energy to do it because I don’t. And that in itself makes everything feel worse because in a world where I have constantly asked myself ‘why can’t I do that to’ and know having the answer to that question – because I am autistic, because my brain does things differently – and the people I know that are also autistic or have ADHD do look like they are managing. So again, why can’t I? I am not saying that they don’t have their demons or struggles or difficulties because I know that they do but for something that makes you constantly want to fit in, or people please, or compare yourself to others it certainly makes everything feel so overwhelming.

I know suicidal thoughts and acts are more common with neurodivergent people. I know the life expectancy of someone with ADHD is around 15 years less than the average person probably because like me they face burnout and stress so early on in their life and living with it for so long is traumatizing. I know that if I could just take some rest from my life and responsibilities and have the time to actually focus on getting better I probably could but I can’t. I have considered looking into being a voluntary inpatient at a mental health hospital but I don’t have anyone to look after my children for an undecided amount of time. I feel like everything is against me, including my own brain and body most days. So I feel stuck in this space of not being able to help myself and not being able to escape any of it and it fills me with such strong guilt, shame and self loathing.

As a result of feeling so burnt out I am exhausted all of the time. I hate having to leave the house and the things that used to bring me joy and comfort no longer do. As a way to cope with loneliness during the pandemics initial lockdown I started playng an MMO which for a long time helped me meet people and talk to people and gave me something to focus on. I was reading so many wonderful stories and talking to people about the books they loved. I was collecting things that made me happy but now all of that just feels like it is too much. I struggle with household chores and being the only one that really does any. I struggle getting out of bed and just going to the living room sometimes in a flat I have lived in for such a long time now that it too makes me miserable. The lack of space, the bed sharing and cosleeping with my son, not having any space to myself, constantly clearing up after four people, parenting a teenager and a primary school aged child comes with its own challenges. The lack of money or the fact that the money I do have just goes. The debt I have built up and trying to get under control. Having to remember every week to bid on a house to move and forgetting. Bills to pay that aren’t set up by direct debits. Knowing I need a new energy key but not wanting to call because I don’t want to talk on the phone but my emails going unanswered. The fact that the post is about three weeks behind here for some reason so even if a key had been sent I have no way of knowing when it will turn up. The school admin stuff that for some reason isn’t working for my phone number so I was late booking my son’s nativity show places.

I feel useless and incompetent. I feel stupid. I feel like I am just so completely worthless all of the time. I don’t feel respected or liked by many people because I find friendships so difficult to maintain. I hardly have any conversations that are positive because I am always moaning about something and the discussions that happen at home are because I’m stressed. I feel like a burden because I just keep repeating myself with what I need help with and I feel like no one cares and no one listens. Or they listen and they offer help but the reality is I don’t want to ask anymore. I want people to see the mess and say ‘I can fix this’ and just do it. I don’t want to delegate and write lists about what needs doing and what dates need remembering and what budgeting needs considering and having to bid on houses or remember to pay bills. I want someone to just take care of some of those things so I don’t have to because it is killing me. I feel like all of this is so silly to get worked up over, that normal people just manage to do it and I don’t.

It is cathartic at least to be able to put this somewhere and get it out of my head and onto something else. Looking at it it and reading through it is ugly and harsh and frustrating because it is my life. I so wish I could write something joyous and wonderful but that would simply be a lie. Life right now, is anything but wonderful. Admitting that feels like showing just how weak and vulnerable I am. However in all of this, I am only one person that is overwhelmed and frustrated trying to navigate through the day in a time that is so desperately hard to keep going. And despite all of this, I still do have some semblance of hope. I still love people. I still have a desire to stick around. I am tired. I am sad. But one day, I will be better and one day I will not feel worthless.

November 26, 2023
Titles have never been my forte

I have wanted to write something in such a long time yet this website has remained largely unmanaged for a while now and it’s a shame. I remember once going through and looking for blogs and writers I used to follow only to find they were no longer writing and I would hope that wouldn’t be the case for me. So many times I’ve said ‘this is just a hiatus’ or that regular posting would resume soon but I really don’t know when that will be. All I know is right now I need to write something for me.

I have always loved and wanted to write. I have written poetry and song lyrics and followed creative writing prompts. I have sketched out my favourite quotes, I have highlighted pages in (digital) books full of words that give me some kind of meaning, something to hope for perhaps. I have started so many stories. I will always aspire to be that fantasy fiction writer. My words here might not be beautiful or clever but I hope they hold meaning. I have always wanted to write with the goal of helping someone get through something that feels a little bit hard. Because writing when I have been in pain has been so cathartic.

That is where I am right now. I am in pain. And I am so very tired of it.

“We do not get to choose when in our lives we feel pain,” said Matthew. “It comes when it comes, and we try to remember, even though we cannot imagine a day when it will release its hold on us, that all pain fades. All misery passes. Humanity is drawn to light, not darkness.”
Matthew Fairchild, Chain of Gold by Cassandra Clare

I feel like a shell of the person I thought I was. I feel like I am completely lacking in my own personality and living without a sense of identity. I feel like I have spent so many years building up various personas to wear in front of every person I know and each one of those masks is just a piece of my spirit I’ve cut away from myself. Now I’m left with these scattered paper thin, crumpled pieces of me with nothing left to stitch them back together. I feel incomplete and disconnected from everything. I feel both too much and not enough at the same time.

I want to believe that this too shall pass, one day. That things will again feel lighter and brighter. That I will have something back that defines me, that I can be proud of. But I have spent so many years thinking one day things will be better, or easier and that I should only struggle a little while longer. I am so tired of struggling and fighting every day to be liked, to be accepted, to feel valued or appreciated. I am so worn down from years of not fitting in, of being the weird one, of questioning what is wrong with me.

“…all the tears women shed, they leave no mark on the world…”
The Mists of Avalon, Marion Zimmer Bradley

Enough to ask for a diagnosis for ADHD and Autism which I received in the last few months of 2022. There is nothing wrong with being autistic, or, in my case AuDHD as I have seen it put for a combined diagnosis of the two. There is, however, something wrong with living as long as I have, not knowing, and struggling with so many things. With thinking I’ll grow out of these behaviours. With thinking I can’t be a real ‘adult’ because I can’t cope with so many basic things normal adults can.

I am incredibly grateful to have had these diagnosis but it hasn’t really changed much. The ADHD meds are helping with some things, yes, certainly impulse control at least but everything else is still up to me to fix and cope with. To learn new ways to ‘unmask’ and to cater to my own boundaries and my own needs but how I am supposed to do that? I am so tired of having to justify and explain why things need to be a certain way or why I need to rest after a social occasion even if it’s one I’m looking forward to. I’m so tired of panic rushing to look for headphones before going shopping because listening to heavy metal blasting in my ears makes it easier to deal with the people, the too bright white lights, the constant changing placements of food I regularly buy and the grating noise of voiceovers and checkout beeps and conversation.

The embarrassment of having to explain that I have to wear socks in *every* situation because ‘sheets on bare skin make me feel a bit weird’ – read, actually causes me pain if it’s cotton. Feeling so stupid for zoning out of a conversation and having to ask someone to repeat themselves multiple times because ‘sorry I wasn’t listening’ when my inner monologue was screaming at me about something I’d forgotten but refuse to tell me what. All the times I have interrupted my way into a conversation to be told to be quiet, to wait my turn, how rude I am, when all I wanted was to remain relevant. It’s left me with this crippling anxiety for being ignored with leaves me feeling like I am the most awful person.

“She waited to change, and I waited to change, and we both wanted what we couldn’t have.”
Shiver, Maggie Stiefvater

I know I have no choice but to continue trying to live. To continue clawing my way through life with broken bloody nails if I have to. I do not know what the future holds. I don’t know how I’m going to cope and manage but I hope I find a way through this. I feel that is at least one, small redeeming thing about me is that I do still have a slither of hope left that one day things will be not so full of pain and struggle. I think right now it’s too much for me to ask myself to be happy when what I really wish for is ‘okay’.

The last few years where I’ve pulled back from writing and engaging with friends I’ve met through this web space I have been escaping into books and video games which have helped keep my mind occupied from my own thoughts for some time. Thankfully I have also met some people through those hobbies or interests some of which have become very dear friends who I have tried to be my most honest self in front of and haven’t been immediately rejected for that despite, I’m sure, at times being a little strange and difficult to tolerate. It is, I think, the bonds we make through pain and suffering that lead to finding some solace and not feeling quite so alone in the darkest of moments. It’s just really very sad that we have to suffer and struggle alongside each other.

I’m not going to go back over and edit this but I have exhausted myself in writing this down. I feel a little less cluttered in my mind for letting the words, and tears, come out onto this page. With added book quotes for good measure because sourcing photos for this seems like a process I can’t do right now. The thing is I’m just proud of myself for writing something. It may be messy and probably full of mistakes but it helped.

July 26, 2023
How I Got Diagnosed with ADHD at age 33 – ADHD Awareness Month

;Getting diagnosed with ADHD as an adult female can be a daunting experience. I wanted to share a written account for why, how and when I got my diagnosis for combined ADHD at 33 years old in the UK and I’m sharing this as part of ADHD awareness month. If you prefer to listen to me ramble on video for half an hour you can watch my YouTube video explaining this too.
ADHD Awareness Month – October 2022

This is the first time I am sharing something personal for ADHD awareness month because I have only just received my diagnosis for combined ADHD in October 2022 at the age of 33. However, this is something I’ve been trying to get for the last eighteen months now and it’s felt like a bit of a battle. Not every person will feel like they can, need to or should be diagnosed with ADHD but it’s something I really wanted to get for myself. I fully understand and appreciate just how daunting the diagnosis assessment and following treatment can be and so champion that neurodivergent self diagnosis is valid.

ADHD awareness is all about talking about ADHD and sharing that it’s not just being a bit restless, fidgetting and getting distracted. It’s actually something that has dramatically affected my mental health, physical health, self confidence and, self esteem. It’s something that can negatively impact my day to day life. ADHD isn’t just noisy, hyperactive boys that won’t sit still in a classroom as was often the stereotype during my days at school which is probably why no one ever thought that I might need a diagnosis. For all intents and purposes I was a fairly introverted, quiet, well behaved child at school. So ADHD awareness is about breaking down those harmful stereotypes to allow more adults and more children to get access to the help and support they not only need but fully deserve so they can embrace the positives of their own way of thinking.

Getting diagnosed with combined ADHD by Solutions4Diagnostics

I filmed this shortly after receiving my diagnosis. It’s about 30 minutes long but if you’d rather watch me not look at the camera, say ‘um’ a lot and talk about it rather than read you can do so here.

How ADHD presents itself in my personality

For most of my life I have felt overwhelmed by the smallest of things and wondered why I couldn’t seem to cope with life the same way as my peers do. This has become an increasing struggle and more noticeable as I’ve gotten older. I have always been diagnosed with anxiety or depression but felt that it was never that simple. It didn’t explain why I felt constantly restless, why I struggled to fall asleep, how I was constantly moving parts of my body when I had to stay still, my lack of focus, willpower for anything, constant daydreaming and zoning out. I’ve started so many hobbies and wanted to do and be so many things but never really been able to finish them without the pressure of a strict deadline. I’ve struggled in workplaces to stay focused on a task especially if I’ve found the job to be boring or during quiet periods. I am someone that thrives on routine yet gets bored with mundane things so very quickly. It didn’t occur to me until I saw a friend talk about being diagnosed with ADHD as an adult female and how relateable I found her story to be that this could have been the answer all along.

Friendships and Relationships

I am the friend that will leave you on read, because I’ve read the message and thought about replying then got distracted and forgotten until weeks have passed and I’m too ashamed to reply at that point. I struggle with tidying but once a month I will get the urge to completely rearrange a room or if I know someone is coming to visit I will speed clean the flat. It’s honestly like a super power. I have paid ADHD tax for so many things that I’ve forgotten to cancel, bills I’ve forgotten to pay, items I’ve not returned, impulse purchases because I’ve wanted a dopamine quick fix.

I have been met so often with ‘everyone does that once in a while’ and yes, they do, I know that getting distracted or forgetting to do something is not exactly uncommon so it’s hard to try and explain just how negatively this kind of living affects my day to day life. Writing it down all makes it seem so small and superficial when it’s actually magnified 100 times over. If I’m not being productive it’s not because I’m being lazy or simply don’t want to – something I was always told I was as a child – but its because half of my brain is telling me to ‘do the thing’ and the other half is going ‘what if you fail? what if it’s boring? you can’t do this, you’re not good enough’ and that stops me in my tracks because that voice is so hard to shut out.

This is me (red dress) and my friends at our prom in 2005. I kept my circle fairly small and I’m only regularly in contact with one other person in this photograph in my adult life. It’s bad quality and blurry because back then we had to use actual film camera’s to take photos. Looking at that girl knowing how much she was struggling I wish I could go back and tell her that it wasn’t her fault, her brain was just different.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

The thing I struggle the most is how sensitive I can be which, honestly has lead to me avoiding friendships as I’ve grown up. I was always told I was too emotional and too sensitive as a child and in my teenage years. I didn’t realise until after speaking with other people who had been diagnosed with ADHD that this was a common thing amongst them. That my reaction of conflict, which is to cry usually, was manipulative. That I needed to learn how to control myself because I was being pathetic. That my ‘tears won’t work this time’. Now I’ve learned about rejection sensitivity dysphoria which is where you feel intense emotional pain and anquish at being rejected, because of failure, any small form of criticism or being let down doesn’t become about the other person or the action but instead becomes completely self destructive. It doesn’t even have to be that critical a rejection for me, someone simply saying ‘no thank you’ can very quickly become ‘that person hates me now, I am so cringe, this is embarrassing, why did I ever ask in the first place because they’ve never liked me and never will, you’re a disaster’.

Now, when it is actual rejection, or when someone sort of stops talking to me for some reason, a friendship or a relationship breaks down that reaction is really hard to deal with. I can not even begin to describe how painful it is for me when someone I have opened up to in some way discards me. That may seem kind of a harsh way of describing it but that is exactly how it feels. Recent occasions where someone has decided to sort of cut me off, avoid me, or not talk to me anymore have lead to me stopping doing anything, where I’ve just continuously cried, not been able to eat and my thoughts are full of negative self talk and trying to figure out what I did wrong, where I went wrong, how I could possibly try to fix it and doing anything I can to try and gain their approval again. It’s a part of me that I actively struggle with on a daily basis because I can’t just take someone’s no for what it is. It always becomes about how much they no longer like me anymore and it is stupid and destructive to think and feel like that. It would be bliss to not sit and justify all the reasons why I might receive a ‘no’ to something because ‘no’ is important. Setting boundaries is important. I know all of this but right there in the moment that all goes completely out the window.

If I can’t see it, it doesn’t exist

I struggle with object permanence and time blindness. This means if I can’t see it it doesn’t exist. I forget I have things a lot of the time which sometimes leads to duplicate purchases. I can often lose track of time or get so caught up in an appointment I need to keep that I enter waiting mode and face an inability to do anything productive. I can hyperfocus on something and suddenly six hours have gone by where I haven’t moved, eaten or drank anything which then often leads to binge eating – another issue I’ve had which potentially has been a result of my ADHD brain. I am the person that fears being late I will turn up half an hour early, which equally doesn’t look all that great depending on the situation either, but being just a few minutes late for anything makes me anxious and fills me with dread.

Impulse purchases mean I own several candles now. So many in fact that I really need to start burning them as I can’t bear to throw them away.

What’s next?

Getting diagnosed with ADHD has felt huge as I finally feel like I can start moving on with my life. I am currently going through the process of titration which is where you have regular appointments with a psychiatrist to find the right type and dosage of medication. I am about to start a daily 30mg dose of Elvanse for the next three weeks. I need to monitor my blood pressure, pulse and weight on a daily basis whilst taking this to make sure my body accepts the medication and to monitor any side effects. I have been told to do the measurements and take the medication in the morning. Whilst I do this I am hoping to be able to do short video diaries to try and help me remember, reflect and make note of any changes, adverse side effects and if I find the medication is working for me. When I began writing this I was also waiting for the final appointment for an autism diagnosis which I have now had and been diagnosed with so some of these things contradict each other a little where the ADHD part of my brain and the Autistic part of my brain are sort of at war with each other. However, there have absolutely been times where they have combined and magic has happened – if I find a special interest hyperfocus that benefits my life such as blogging here and being able to freelance as a writer – that is just something that has been a real blessing.

October 27, 2022
Mental Health and Life Update – September 2022

It saddens me that a genuine post hasn’t come from the heart here for such a long time. I remember reading in various blogging groups I was in years ago that talked about how people would go to find a blog they used to love and see that it hadn’t been updated and I always thought to myself I hope I never get to that point yet it turns out I have and I desperately want to change that. Writing has been a healthy outlet for me for as long as I can remember and not having it as part of my daily routine has, I think, really been a large part of my own suffering.

For someone like me that deals with anxiety, low mood and now the possibility of neurodivergence having a healthy outlet to let off steam and put all of my overwhelming cluttered thoughts is a true lifeline. Often people talk about how writing is a form of creative expression and catharsis, some even comparing it to a form of therapy. It certainly has been that way for me in the sense that writing has prevented self harm. I can not even begin to admit the shame admitting that brings me although my previous entries on mental health; well, perhaps that isn’t as much of a surprise. Self harm has never been about suicidal thoughts for me, I’d like to make that clear, but it was an unhealthy way of attempting to escape from the sheer overwhelming feelings I deal with on a day to day basis. Intrusive thoughts have always been something I’ve struggled with but I’m thankful that I’ve never contemplated anything further than that.

Getting it out of my mind and trying to relieve how anxiety and stress physically manifests in my body is what originally lead to self harm before I really started writing it all down. Sometimes talking about it isn’t quite enough because I can’t always speak the words that I want to say. Or my words come out so muddled and confused which in turn frustrates me and doesn’t make it any easier. It’s not that I have a problem sharing my issues considering I’ve already written about them here in what I’ve always considered a safe place and publishing those struggles in the hope of someone else reading them and not feeling alone – whilst makes me feel vulnerable – has always been the backbone of this space. I want to help others. I have a strong desire to help others even if that has sometimes been at my own expense.

Honestly, I feel like I have always put other people first. I’m sure I have other people in my life that would probably disagree; people that have called me selfish because of the way I do things or the way I’ve lived my life although now that I’m looking at that through an autistic and adhd lens and I see my past very differently. To say that it has been a traumatic process is probably the biggest understatement I have ever made because it’s felt like so much more than trauma. The frustrating thing is that I have had so many people say that if I receive this diagnosis I’m hoping for it doesn’t change who I am as a person and whilst that may be somewhat true it changes everything for me. I can not help but look back on my life and wonder how different things could have been for me should I have known, should I have accessed different kinds of support, should I have been able to truly open up more about how my mind works. Would I have suffered quite so much in my teens had I known better?

And alongside all this I have still had to carry on but it hasn’t been the same because I have been figuring this all out after having my structure taken away from me because of Covid. I know I can’t blame everything on a pandemic but having to live life, raise children, crisis school, deal with an identity crisis, attempt to be a decent girlfriend, daughter, sister, mother and friend, the stress of an MRI scan and chronic pain, seeing family members get sick and not being able to do anything about it, not being able to see my friends as often…despite having people around me I feel like I have been cut off and isolated. I have felt so incredibly lonely without being alone. I have been erratic and confused and emotional and at times kind of unstable. I have not had a period of low mood, depression, constant anxiety and just general badness since I was much, much younger.

What makes this all so difficult is I haven’t been able to write through it. I feel every time I go to write something it’s just depressing and horrible thoughts that no one really wants to read about. I haven’t done anything worth writing about or inspiring enough. I don’t consider anything I’ve really done in the last few years an accomplishment or something to be proud of. I’ve run up way too much debt that has come with it’s own issues, I have cluttered my home with too much stuff, I have tried various hobbies and not stuck to them, I haven’t moved enough, I’ve gained weight, I’ve struggled with binge eating again and I have genuinely lost a sense of self. At this moment in time, I do not really know who I am. I do not really know what I mean to others. I feel like I’m just a culmination of other people trying to be able to fill their needs rather than my own. I suppose I have tried to be what I think people want me to be rather than be myself and that lack of self honesty.

I really want to make some changes because enough is enough and I am not coping well with anything and I do not really know how to fix it. However, I have finally received dates for my ADHD assessment and I am in equal parts terrified but finally feel I can emerge from waiting mode. I have something concrete to work from and I hope this will be a boost I need because I honestly feel I have pinned everything on this assessment and I have been waiting such a long time to try and get to this point. I understand that that’s perhaps not the most sensible option and I’m putting all my eggs in one basket. I’m not sure what I will do or how I will feel should the assessment come back with a non-diagnosis or how that will affect me but I do know that I need to get this done and get a result either way.

I suppose I am still looking for answers to ‘what the hell is wrong with me?’ ‘why am I the way that I am?’ and ‘how can I fix it?’ – and I don’t want to just be told ‘nothing is wrong with you’ because right now I don’t feel like anything is really right with me either. I feel stuck. I feel unable to move. I feel like I’m halfway up a flight of stairs with the end in sight but the sheer inability and lack of energy to simply lift my foot up and get to the top. In all this I am fearful that all I look like is lazy and incompetent and inconsistent. I feel like I have been a complete burden to others, someone that people don’t want to be around because I have nothing valuable or positive to add to the conversation. In this moment in time there is nowhere I feel like I completely fit in.

I have started doing things though. I am clearing my home and my personal space of things that no longer have a purpose. Physically making space in my home is really helping me to make space in my mind. This is my attempt to get back into the routine of writing about something every day because I finally feel like I have something to say and hopefully contribute. I have events planned and people I will be seeing soon and I am so excited for that as hopefully a gap closer in back to who I was. I have reached out to step change to start fixing my debt problems. I want to get back to regular working again through my blog and freelance options.

And I’m getting a cat. I can not wait to introduce the new family member to you all. It’s something the children have wanted for such a long time and I have too and now I feel is the time. I appreciate after all that I’ve said above that having another responsibility may feel like I’m taking on too much but genuinely I think the time and energy I will have into caring for this kitten and making sure she has a safe and happy home will be a very positive step for me, particularly with Evangeline in secondary school now and Felix in Forest School more regularly. I don’t feel very needed at the moment I suppose either, with older children that are gaining more independence each and every day. I have been needed by someone for such a long time that it feels quite strange to not need to be at someone’s constant beck and call all day everyday.

September 8, 2022