Candyfloss & Dreams

Tag: depression

  • My Struggle with ADHD/ASD Diagnosis

    My Struggle with ADHD/ASD Diagnosis

    Trigger warning: Suicidal thoughts, self harm and very poor mental health.

    I have always spoken about my struggles with my mental health and wellbeing on this blog so it is of no surprise I’m sure to any regular reader that I suffer with anxiety and depression. I’ve been in denial about depression previously but I think I finally understand what that looks like for me now. I’ve also talked about wanting a diagnosis for ADHD and coming away with a double diagnosis of ‘textbook’ ADHD and Autism Spectrum Disorder. I have been trying to process that for the last year or so now and I don’t think I’ve really been able to or at least, having suffered with my mental health since my teens this has affected my ability to process such a diagnosis. Despite the struggles, despite how hard it has been I needed this diagnosis. It is validating to know that some of the things that I have struggled with all my life are because my brain is different and not just because I am the weird, quirky one.

    Writing about my difficulties as well as my celebrations and happy occasions like getting our pet cat who I love so very much has always been important to me. I don’t like putting it out there that my life is some sort of fantasy dream of a person that had a lot of holidays and purchased a lot of candles. From the start of this blog so many years ago my intention was to share something real in the hope that someone would find it and read it and feel like they were understood by someone else. That someone got what they were struggling with. That they could reach out to someone that kind of got what they were going through even if it was different or for other reasons. I have always been someone that wants to help other people in ways I don’t feel like I am or have been helped. Perhaps, some of that comes from wanting to people please because I know I do that as well but knowing that this is me putting out there and not knowing who it might help in some small way kind of takes the people pleasing away. I’m not writing this to be liked by someone, to impress them, to try and provide value to someone else. I am writing this because writing it feels helpful to me. It may only ever be read by regular readers who already know my difficulties but on the off chance that it could give someone, something then it feels like it’s worth doing and worth saying.

    Lilith has been an absolute joy to my family.

    There isn’t all that much help directly for ADHD and being autistic and I have tried seeking help with the other things, tried anti depressants and anti anxiety meds. I am too a victim of the current medication shortage and so have been a few weeks without my correct dosage of ADHD meds which is another thing I need to chase my doctor and pharmacy about but I just can’t. I would really benefit from proper therapy I think. Not just CBT to change behaviours but someone to actually help me work through the depression and anxiety I’ve struggled with long before I was diagnosed but most likely have suffered with because of having a neurodivergent brain. I am someone that is traumatized and that is what I need help with more than anything – recovery from trauma and learning to listen to my needs and respond to those rather than responding to other peoples needs.

    Right now, I am severely depressed and stressed with my life. I feel like I am in a constant state of fight, flight or freeze with the latter being my near constant state of existing. Honestly this all started with the pandemic, with my blog work kind of stopping and being in such a weird place in history and I’ve never been able to pick myself back up. I never really considered my depression was as bad as to be suicidal and I never really understood why someone would feel like that until now. Because I do feel like that. I feel like things would be better if I wasn’t around. This is not a subject that should shock people that know me because I have said this. I have spoken to my GP. I have reached out to find support but constantly having to chase help, chase waiting lists, chase pharmacies for medication, constantly trying over and over and over again has exhausted me. I just can’t do it any more. I can’t keep telling people the same things because nothing has changed and to be met with ‘just ask for help’ – because I am sick of asking and waiting and asking and waiting.

    I think the only thing that stops me from acting on any suicidal thoughts right now is the fact that I could not traumatize my children that way for the rest of their lives. I already feel like a burden to most people and I just do not want to make their existence, their potential mental health issues, be because I unalived myself. That isn’t noble though, it’s not some big gesture to make me think look how great I am for not doing that. And the thoughts are never of the ‘how’ but just of the ‘if I wasn’t here things would be better for others’. Although in spite all of that, in spite of the intrusive thoughts, I don’t want to die. I want things to get better. I really do have some small ember of hope smoldering away inside me somewhere desperately wanting things to be better but I don’t know how and I am so overwhelmed with having to do the things that might improve things.

    That is the reality of my life I am coming to terms with the fact that I am unwell and now ‘classed’ as disabled. Whilst there are things I am hopeful and sure will get better in the future at some point there is a large part of me trying to come to terms with the fact that because I am autistic and have ADHD there is only so much I can do that will change. I admire the people that have been able to use their diagnosis to get to know themselves so much better and make things better for themselves but I wonder how they have the energy to do it because I don’t. And that in itself makes everything feel worse because in a world where I have constantly asked myself ‘why can’t I do that to’ and know having the answer to that question – because I am autistic, because my brain does things differently – and the people I know that are also autistic or have ADHD do look like they are managing. So again, why can’t I? I am not saying that they don’t have their demons or struggles or difficulties because I know that they do but for something that makes you constantly want to fit in, or people please, or compare yourself to others it certainly makes everything feel so overwhelming.

    I know suicidal thoughts and acts are more common with neurodivergent people. I know the life expectancy of someone with ADHD is around 15 years less than the average person probably because like me they face burnout and stress so early on in their life and living with it for so long is traumatizing. I know that if I could just take some rest from my life and responsibilities and have the time to actually focus on getting better I probably could but I can’t. I have considered looking into being a voluntary inpatient at a mental health hospital but I don’t have anyone to look after my children for an undecided amount of time. I feel like everything is against me, including my own brain and body most days. So I feel stuck in this space of not being able to help myself and not being able to escape any of it and it fills me with such strong guilt, shame and self loathing.

    As a result of feeling so burnt out I am exhausted all of the time. I hate having to leave the house and the things that used to bring me joy and comfort no longer do. As a way to cope with loneliness during the pandemics initial lockdown I started playng an MMO which for a long time helped me meet people and talk to people and gave me something to focus on. I was reading so many wonderful stories and talking to people about the books they loved. I was collecting things that made me happy but now all of that just feels like it is too much. I struggle with household chores and being the only one that really does any. I struggle getting out of bed and just going to the living room sometimes in a flat I have lived in for such a long time now that it too makes me miserable. The lack of space, the bed sharing and cosleeping with my son, not having any space to myself, constantly clearing up after four people, parenting a teenager and a primary school aged child comes with its own challenges. The lack of money or the fact that the money I do have just goes. The debt I have built up and trying to get under control. Having to remember every week to bid on a house to move and forgetting. Bills to pay that aren’t set up by direct debits. Knowing I need a new energy key but not wanting to call because I don’t want to talk on the phone but my emails going unanswered. The fact that the post is about three weeks behind here for some reason so even if a key had been sent I have no way of knowing when it will turn up. The school admin stuff that for some reason isn’t working for my phone number so I was late booking my son’s nativity show places.

    I feel useless and incompetent. I feel stupid. I feel like I am just so completely worthless all of the time. I don’t feel respected or liked by many people because I find friendships so difficult to maintain. I hardly have any conversations that are positive because I am always moaning about something and the discussions that happen at home are because I’m stressed. I feel like a burden because I just keep repeating myself with what I need help with and I feel like no one cares and no one listens. Or they listen and they offer help but the reality is I don’t want to ask anymore. I want people to see the mess and say ‘I can fix this’ and just do it. I don’t want to delegate and write lists about what needs doing and what dates need remembering and what budgeting needs considering and having to bid on houses or remember to pay bills. I want someone to just take care of some of those things so I don’t have to because it is killing me. I feel like all of this is so silly to get worked up over, that normal people just manage to do it and I don’t.

    It is cathartic at least to be able to put this somewhere and get it out of my head and onto something else. Looking at it it and reading through it is ugly and harsh and frustrating because it is my life. I so wish I could write something joyous and wonderful but that would simply be a lie. Life right now, is anything but wonderful. Admitting that feels like showing just how weak and vulnerable I am. However in all of this, I am only one person that is overwhelmed and frustrated trying to navigate through the day in a time that is so desperately hard to keep going. And despite all of this, I still do have some semblance of hope. I still love people. I still have a desire to stick around. I am tired. I am sad. But one day, I will be better and one day I will not feel worthless.

  • We Need Feminism For Men’s Mental Health

    We Need Feminism For Men’s Mental Health

    November is Men’s Health Awareness month and naturally that is going to include mental health alongside raising money and awareness for serious health complications – as what Movember stands for – such as prostate cancer. As someone that does consider themselves to be an intersectional feminist and someone that frequently talks about the impact society has on mental health in general; talking about how feminism is needed to improve men’s mental health is important and vital. Feminism is not ‘just for women’. It is moving society forward towards equality for all genders and that means tearing down a patriarchal system that has not only inflicted damage on women but also people of colour, non-conforming gender identities and created unobtainable stereotypes for people to live up to.

    I can’t stand the phrase ‘man up’

    Telling someone to ‘man up’ implies whatever they’re doing at the time is weak and reinforces this idea of toxic masculinity which honestly is something no one benefits from. There is this expectation of men to be strong, silent, stoic and that can be traumatic and damaging. This societal attitude is what has lead to a real mental health crisis because I feel there are so many men that fall through the cracks when it comes to getting help and support for their emotional wellbeing. I don’t know if it’s a predisposition attitude which makes decision makers overlook men when they do go and seek support or if it’s simply a lack of resources – I would be inclined to say it’s a mix of both – but this creates a cycle where someone seeks support and is rejected or overlooked from that support and mentally that creates a barrier from seeking support again.

    Being Masculine isn’t the problem

    This isn’t an attack on gender conforming males, those that choose to present as masculine or even ‘manliness’ as a concept. It’s an attack on the pressure that men face because of what is expected of them. Toxic masculinity is the negative attributes associated with aggressive, dominating, power hungry individuals that don’t want to see change from a society that already works in their favour. It’s the belief that anything seen as ‘feminine’ is weak such as showing emotions, talking about feelings and admitting when they need help. It’s the way society belief men can only earn respect in positions of power. This then leads to a sense of entitlement over other genders and that is what feminism challenges because the entitled attitude is what is damaging for equality. There is nothing wrong with essentially being manly because there is nothing wrong with being or presenting as male. It’s when the attitude dictates oppressing other genders.

    Feminism allows men’s mental health to be taken seriously

    Equality isn’t just about fair wages and eliminating expected gender roles and stereotypes although that is the fundamental part of the feminism movement. All of the knock on effect of that benefits all genders. It would allow those that struggle talking about their emotions and mental health the safety of seeking support without negative attitudes and perceived repercussions. It allows people to live a life that is beneficial and happy for their wants and needs. It makes space for other genders in more male or female dominated workspaces which in turn can lead to healthy role models for young people seeing their own identity represented in a workplace or position that they aspire for themselves.

    It could allow dads to have extended paternity leave after the birth or adoption of their child and the ability to take time away from work because they need the time to rest. Despite the society expectations that we must all exist only to work in the functionalist machine of capitalism gender equality can lead to people taking the time to figure out what they’re passionate about rather than just fitting a role.

    Men experiencing trauma isn’t taken seriously enough

    The statistics speak for themselves. Men are more likely to end up homeless, have depression – oftentimes probably undiagnosed – have substance abuse problems and are more likely to commit acts of violence and end up in prison. Men are more likely to commit suicide because their feelings, trauma and emotional wellbeing is not taken seriously enough. Men are less likely to report cases of domestic violence, in same sex as well as heterosexual relationships, and they are less likely to go to the doctor when they need support, or even just physical health checks. New fathers won’t speak up if they’re struggling with the challenges of parenthood and can suffer from a form of post natal depression too.

    Trauma comes in all forms and not living in a safe secure space, or having a proper support network makes it very hard to heal and recover from. Just because an event is in the past does not mean a person that had that lived experience does not think, feel or experience the aftermath of the event on a regular basis. When you are condemned for wanting support or showing emotions is a sign of weakness because of gender bias it makes it even harder to try and recover from that and this is what has lead to the mental health crisis we face today.

    Supporting someone that has experienced trauma is a privilege

    For me, there is nothing more equally heart breaking and touching as hearing a man talk about their mental health, whether that’s as simple as something their struggling with or if it goes as deep as a traumatic incident. Being someone that is trusted to hold that space for them as they feel secure in the knowledge that talking about something difficult is going to be free of judgement is something I do consider a treasured moment in a way. One in which I am proud that someone is defying those gender bias to open up about how they’re feeling but also honoured in a way that I’m trusted enough. Women are expected to get emotional over things (yet still judged for it as being too sensitive) and men seem to be reprimanded for it by saying things like ‘Big boys don’t cry’ which is just such a dismissive reaction to boys showing their hurt or suffering. This notion that men shouldn’t cry again reinforces that idea of weakness when I actually think hearing, seeing, or knowing a man has cried over something that they have been hurt or felt deeply about is a sign of strength and trust. Again, it’s allowing themselves to freely express themselves in the moment and that is something that should never be refused, condemned or punished for.

    Perhaps it’s my persistent question asking and curiosity that has lead to these interactions in the past although I would also hope it’s my character that creates a safe space for people to open up to. I’m not really sure but any time this has happened it has just lead to me having the utmost respect for them. I would never trivial someone else’s trauma when they have felt able to tell it to me, even if it’s not a personal lived experience or something I fully understand. Everyone should be able to express themselves in a way that is comfortable and healthy for them and when you become a confidant to someone’s struggles it really is a privilege to know they trust you. That is what it comes down to more than anything, finding someone they trust to show vulnerabilities. Being that person in a society that shuns men from talking about their feelings, emotional wellbeing and mental health is a privilege and something I will always take seriously in order to be a good friend and a source of support where I can.

    Parental responsibilities in men’s mental health

    As a mum of a boy I am incredibly aware that my own bias and perceived stereotypes of men can directly impact his self worth as he grows up. The way I raise him is what will affect his ability to manage, sit with and look after his emotional wellbeing, just the same as it does with my daughter. However, I feel more pressure raising a son because not only do I want him to continue being the kind, loving child he is becoming but I want him to feel safe to express himself when he feels any form of emotion and be able to learn from his reactions. Allowing men to be free of societal expectations that lead to a toxic masculinity attitude is at the responsibility of parents first and foremost. By raising our children to understand gender equality and to treat mental and emotional health as a serious matter will hopefully lead to generational shifts, eliminating toxic masculinity and preventing gender bias when allocating support and assistance for those that need it.

  • #WorldMentalHealthDay – My Story

    #WorldMentalHealthDay – My Story

    I’ve already read so many inspirational stories today for #WorldMentalHealthDay that are encouraging, supportive and so emotionally brave. I wanted to put words to post myself and share something meaningful. Something I hope will help others too. Mental Health affects us all, whether we’re suffering or smiling, or we are watching a family member go through crisis. I’ve openly talked about my anxiety and depression before to friends and family and most of the time I suppose people would say I’m doing fine.

    The truth is there are still days where I don’t want to get out of bed because I can not cope with life.
    There are still nights where I panic and worry and get angry.
    There are still times where I feel so overwhelmed by the smallest of things.
    There are still times where I overeat and comfort eat to try and ignore the pain of what I’m feeling.
    There are still times when looking after myself is not a priority.
    There are still times where I am haunted by my past, where I have nightmares and wake up sobbing.
    There are still times where I think I have failed as a parent because of decisions that were taken out of my hands.
    There are still times where I think this world would be a better place if I wasn’t here.

    Those times are few and far between now but that doesn’t mean they’re not there. It doesn’t mean I’m cured or healed. It means that despite how I feel, how I’m coping, I am choosing to live. I am choosing to be here for my daughter. I am choosing to be here because I deserve to be here and because those people that made my life hard in the past don’t deserve to win. I am choosing to push back the whispers of self-doubt every day I walk out my front door because I want to win at life. I want to do more than survive.

    If you are feeling anything close to what I’ve described then talk to someone, anyone. A doctor, a nurse, a friend, a partner, a parent. Anyone. Make it known that you think you might be suffering from depression because ultimately when it comes to mental health, no matter how much we raise awareness, only you can make that decision to ask and seek help.

    Depression doesn’t go away easily, it’s a challenge and sometimes it’s a daily battle. It’s a war that will never end but there are days, weeks, months and years that you can find peace in yourself and every day you wake up not wanting to fight, you’ll have so many more reasons to do so.