I got a planner for 2024 that encourages monthly full moon illuminations and new moon reflections. It’s an interesting idea and something I’d like to try and stick to as a way of journaling. I probably won’t write a blog post for each and every one but I’m also feeling a desire to write so it makes sense to go with it. With the moon at it’s fullest it’s a time when things should be coming to fruition, or realisation. It’s a good chance to get ready to, prepare and let things go as the moon falls into it’s waning phase. With a full moon in Leo comes with the message to acknowledge self worth exactly as we are. Leo is a brave, proud and loud sign of the zodiac.
I recently did a birth chart for myself, something I’ve never actually done before so I took the time to figure out my Sun, Moon and Rising signs. I am a Capricorn Sun, because I was born in the sign of Capricorn in late December, with a Libra Moon and Leo Rising. Reading more about this has given me my own illuminations and reading the first full moon of 2024 is in Leo, I think listening to that message and affirming for myself that I am worthy of love, of joy, of happiness is what I have needed to hear.
For such a long time I have been struggling with the many facets of self, my self confidence, my neurospicy diagnosis and my image. I have struggled to accept and believe in other people’s positive opinions of me yet I’ve constantly found myself looking for my self worth in the opinions of others. I think there is nothing more empowering than being able to create an unbreakable shield of acceptance for yourself, and I’ve often envied the ability to do so in others. I may not be able to create that shield instantaneously but I am going to start working better on the foundations a little more.
Self acceptance comes in many forms, not just of our good qualities but what we consider our shortcomings and limitations too. I think it’s important to understand our struggles and to build boundaries from them instead of letting them get to us and creating this spiral of low self worth. I have trauma, and many anxieties and issues I need to work on but the desire for me to do so is there. The other day, I did my makeup, I put on a dress I love and I wore a perfume that I like. I felt good about myself. I’m not completely happy with how I look but I took the time to just appreciate what I have. I looked at my face, one that is textured and aging with creases and I thought for the first time in a long time that as far as faces go, mine is alright. My makeup may not be as flawless as other people but I like the style I’ve developed for myself. I am complemented on my bold choice of colour in my hair and clothing. I have, in small ways, started taking up space in a world that wants voices like mine to be squished.
I have also struggled with writing on this blog for the longest time. The desire was there but the energy and inspiration was not. For the longest time I’ve been told to focus on building an audience, to write for that audience and that audience only. The trouble with that is that I lost a bit of myself there. This space started out as a personal one for me to just write and connect with other people. The content and topics have changed as I’ve gotten older because this space is over a decade old now. The 35 year old me is quite different to the 23 year old me yet a lot of it’s foundations have stayed the same. Writing about what I like, what I enjoy and trying to reach out to people that struggle with things I have done. Sometimes that’s been parenting, sometimes that’s been my health. I’ve always written about my hobbies and interests as varied as they’ve been. I’ve been lucky enough to earn money writing here too which has been a great privilege.
My content, the words I’ve wanted to share, have always been dictated by my interests at the time and with the mindset of writing for an audience that has been hard to capture. Right now, and for the last couple of years I have been playing a lot of video games. That’s not been an uncommon presence of my blog as I’ve always written about games but there’s always been a small niggle in the back of my head that ‘this is not your audience’ and it’s true, it’s not. My best post is still about Disneyland Paris. I don’t write video game write ups with the intention to hit big on google. I just write them for me, and I share them occasionally with people that might be interested in what I have to say. I wouldn’t really even call them reviews, so they aren’t the most informative or instructional pieces of content. They’re more about sharing my experience of playing something rather than giving a constructive critique.
In a very long winded way I think my self acceptance is that I am fine in what I do and who I am. That I don’t need to do any of those things for anyone else, for external validation. That I should, really, focus on doing what makes me happy, even if it’s small or irrelevant to others or doesn’t really serve any other purpose than because I want to, and because I can.