For the longest time our family have wanted a pet but living in a flat and just generally not having a huge amount of space indoors or any private outdoor space I was resigned to waiting until we moved. However, that just doesn’t feel like it’s going to be anytime soon. Felix is now a little older that he can understand how to behave a little better around a pet and so we had been looking into it for a while. We found a lovely family that had just had a litter of black and white kittens that were looking to go to loving, forever homes which is where we found Lilith.
Lilith has only been with us for just under a week but has already fitted right into family life and it just feels like it was the right time for us all. I believe she’s around eleven weeks old now and has had no problem adjusting to a new environment. Coming from a family home she was used to being handled, petted and played with by children which was a huge plus for us. We will be keeping her as a house cat due to being in a flat so trying to make sure she has plenty of things to play with. She took to using her litter trays really well and is eating and drinking as expected. Honestly, we’ve yet to have any issues with her.
I was very nervous about how she would settle in because of the change of environment but she’s really done well. At night time I have been leaving the living room and my bedroom doors open so she can still find me but also so she has access to space if she needs it. When I head to bed she has been following me into the bedroom and having a bit of a play but hasn’t been any trouble. I often wake in the night to find her curled up near the end of the bed or being woken up to having my toes attacked. She seems attached to me as I am the one putting her food out in the morning but this has lead to her curling up beside me for her day time naps unless Felix is here. Lilith will often follow Felix around as he loves playing with her and during her nap times she will sometimes go and sit next to him to fall asleep where he will gently share his blanket with her. It’s completely adorable.
Notice how in the background Lilith decided she hated the decor and has tried ripping it down
Blogging conferences have always been a really fun part of blogging for me and a great way to meet other writers and brands from all across the country. I’m sad to say it’s the last BlogOn conference that will be held in The Coppid Beech Hotel in Bracknell but I can not wait to go. It’s been far, far too long since I’ve squished my blogging buddies and had a weekend away where I’m not anything to anyone else except myself. No one has to rely on me, it’s purely a chance to do what I love, meet people that have a passion for writing. I’m hoping the weekend away will help inspire me to write more again and fall completely in love with everything that blogging encompasses.
I remember my first blogging conference was BlogFest held by Mumsnet many years ago now. The fact that this web space is going to be ten years old next March amazes me. The amount of people I’ve met, opportunities I’ve had and travelling I’ve done thanks to this blog has been astounding. Reflecting on all of this recently has really made me nostalgic for so many wonderful times and friendships I’ve build over the years not to mention so many fun brands I’ve had the pleasure of working with. Over these nine and a half years this blog has gone through many rebrands although I’ve never changed the name which is something I’m starting to consider as part of the reason why I’ve struggled to write on this space is because the name doesn’t really fit where I am in my life. I am, however, atrocious at coming up with names so whether a change is in the future or not I don’t know.
With that in mind and the fact that I will meet new bloggers alongside my old friends I wanted to just share a little bit about me, who I am and what I’ve done over the years on this blog. It’s a space that has grown and matured with me. Where I have had to adapt so too has the content. What started as a place to share my thoughts on single parenthood through to family life and then more emotional and political topics that I’ve grown passionate about has become a place of solace, income and personal strength to me. It’s a place where I’ve always tried to be completely myself which has meant embracing some of the harder parts of life, my demons, so to speak, but also allowed me to keep my personality as big as it is. I’ve never felt I’ve had to shrink down to fit in here. Whilst I may have been judged by others for some of the things I’ve chosen to share no one has ever made me feel bad about it. I feel like for a long time whilst I’ve been trying to rediscover myself and find others that I fit in with more, I long to return to blogging and the people I’ve met because of blogging.
I look like this at the moment but I wear glasses and there’s a chance my hair will be a different colour.
So for those that don’t know me, I’m Kayleigh, some friends call me Kat, some friends now call me Avalon thanks to an absolute love I’ve found playing Final Fantasy XIV during lockdown but that is by the by. I’m a mother of two, a preteen and a preschooler, who are all over this blog from our family adventurers. I currently self identify as neurodivergent, queer and pretty nerdy. I love to read and I’ve always found great escapism within literature be that YA fantasy romance or graphic adult horror. I am still stuck in my late teens emo phase and will often quote pretty depressing lyrics that I somewhat identify with if I’m not quoting bookish references. I have a thing for northern accents, 50’s style dresses and a tiny obsession with woodwick candles. I’ve been proper into witchcraft for around twenty years now which again also accounts for the large amount of candles and crystals in my home but I’m pretty lazy with it all. As much as I wish tarot would predict the future I feel it more so helps guide my intuition a little better when I need to make a decision as my mind can be a little busy at times. I say witch but if you want the full term I like to define myself, because apparently I like a lot of labels, then I am a agnostic solitary eclectic witch. I don’t follow a specific witch based religion and I pull on lots of different paths in my practise.
I can’t wait to get back into a room with so many funny, interesting and unique individuals learning skills together and meeting fantastic brands. BlogOn really does bring all of that together and has done for the many times I’ve been, whether that’s been travelling up and down the country to Manchester or the more comfortable location to me in the South of being in Bracknell. Not being able to make it last year was really sad for me so going this year and it being the last one was just an absolute must. I can not wait to see so many familiar faces. BlogOn is a place where you can walk up to anyone and be welcomed. I’ve been truly flattered when people have approached me with ‘Oh I know your blog, I love it!’ and given me a hug. I’ve loved connecting with people over creative flatlay sessions, hanging out and meeting brands, meeting my friends babies for the first time which has happened a fair few times and of course having a drink or two to finish off the day.
I remember one such blogging occasion in London for BritMumsLive which ended in a river cruise then a few drinks in a bar and 2am pizza delivery in the hotel bar after. I’ve travelled solo around the country to attend events like this – something I never thought I’d have the confidence to do but I have. Where I’ve had to meet people behind the words for the first time. If it wasn’t for blogging I would not have had as many opportunities as I have done and my family have benefitted from it too as I’ve been able to make money at home this way.
So whether this be your first blogging event or you’re kind of a veteran at attending things like this I hope you can come and say hello, because I can’t wait to meet you.
It saddens me that a genuine post hasn’t come from the heart here for such a long time. I remember reading in various blogging groups I was in years ago that talked about how people would go to find a blog they used to love and see that it hadn’t been updated and I always thought to myself I hope I never get to that point yet it turns out I have and I desperately want to change that. Writing has been a healthy outlet for me for as long as I can remember and not having it as part of my daily routine has, I think, really been a large part of my own suffering.
For someone like me that deals with anxiety, low mood and now the possibility of neurodivergence having a healthy outlet to let off steam and put all of my overwhelming cluttered thoughts is a true lifeline. Often people talk about how writing is a form of creative expression and catharsis, some even comparing it to a form of therapy. It certainly has been that way for me in the sense that writing has prevented self harm. I can not even begin to admit the shame admitting that brings me although my previous entries on mental health; well, perhaps that isn’t as much of a surprise. Self harm has never been about suicidal thoughts for me, I’d like to make that clear, but it was an unhealthy way of attempting to escape from the sheer overwhelming feelings I deal with on a day to day basis. Intrusive thoughts have always been something I’ve struggled with but I’m thankful that I’ve never contemplated anything further than that.
Getting it out of my mind and trying to relieve how anxiety and stress physically manifests in my body is what originally lead to self harm before I really started writing it all down. Sometimes talking about it isn’t quite enough because I can’t always speak the words that I want to say. Or my words come out so muddled and confused which in turn frustrates me and doesn’t make it any easier. It’s not that I have a problem sharing my issues considering I’ve already written about them here in what I’ve always considered a safe place and publishing those struggles in the hope of someone else reading them and not feeling alone – whilst makes me feel vulnerable – has always been the backbone of this space. I want to help others. I have a strong desire to help others even if that has sometimes been at my own expense.
Honestly, I feel like I have always put other people first. I’m sure I have other people in my life that would probably disagree; people that have called me selfish because of the way I do things or the way I’ve lived my life although now that I’m looking at that through an autistic and adhd lens and I see my past very differently. To say that it has been a traumatic process is probably the biggest understatement I have ever made because it’s felt like so much more than trauma. The frustrating thing is that I have had so many people say that if I receive this diagnosis I’m hoping for it doesn’t change who I am as a person and whilst that may be somewhat true it changes everything for me. I can not help but look back on my life and wonder how different things could have been for me should I have known, should I have accessed different kinds of support, should I have been able to truly open up more about how my mind works. Would I have suffered quite so much in my teens had I known better?
And alongside all this I have still had to carry on but it hasn’t been the same because I have been figuring this all out after having my structure taken away from me because of Covid. I know I can’t blame everything on a pandemic but having to live life, raise children, crisis school, deal with an identity crisis, attempt to be a decent girlfriend, daughter, sister, mother and friend, the stress of an MRI scan and chronic pain, seeing family members get sick and not being able to do anything about it, not being able to see my friends as often…despite having people around me I feel like I have been cut off and isolated. I have felt so incredibly lonely without being alone. I have been erratic and confused and emotional and at times kind of unstable. I have not had a period of low mood, depression, constant anxiety and just general badness since I was much, much younger.
What makes this all so difficult is I haven’t been able to write through it. I feel every time I go to write something it’s just depressing and horrible thoughts that no one really wants to read about. I haven’t done anything worth writing about or inspiring enough. I don’t consider anything I’ve really done in the last few years an accomplishment or something to be proud of. I’ve run up way too much debt that has come with it’s own issues, I have cluttered my home with too much stuff, I have tried various hobbies and not stuck to them, I haven’t moved enough, I’ve gained weight, I’ve struggled with binge eating again and I have genuinely lost a sense of self. At this moment in time, I do not really know who I am. I do not really know what I mean to others. I feel like I’m just a culmination of other people trying to be able to fill their needs rather than my own. I suppose I have tried to be what I think people want me to be rather than be myself and that lack of self honesty.
I really want to make some changes because enough is enough and I am not coping well with anything and I do not really know how to fix it. However, I have finally received dates for my ADHD assessment and I am in equal parts terrified but finally feel I can emerge from waiting mode. I have something concrete to work from and I hope this will be a boost I need because I honestly feel I have pinned everything on this assessment and I have been waiting such a long time to try and get to this point. I understand that that’s perhaps not the most sensible option and I’m putting all my eggs in one basket. I’m not sure what I will do or how I will feel should the assessment come back with a non-diagnosis or how that will affect me but I do know that I need to get this done and get a result either way.
I suppose I am still looking for answers to ‘what the hell is wrong with me?’ ‘why am I the way that I am?’ and ‘how can I fix it?’ – and I don’t want to just be told ‘nothing is wrong with you’ because right now I don’t feel like anything is really right with me either. I feel stuck. I feel unable to move. I feel like I’m halfway up a flight of stairs with the end in sight but the sheer inability and lack of energy to simply lift my foot up and get to the top. In all this I am fearful that all I look like is lazy and incompetent and inconsistent. I feel like I have been a complete burden to others, someone that people don’t want to be around because I have nothing valuable or positive to add to the conversation. In this moment in time there is nowhere I feel like I completely fit in.
I have started doing things though. I am clearing my home and my personal space of things that no longer have a purpose. Physically making space in my home is really helping me to make space in my mind. This is my attempt to get back into the routine of writing about something every day because I finally feel like I have something to say and hopefully contribute. I have events planned and people I will be seeing soon and I am so excited for that as hopefully a gap closer in back to who I was. I have reached out to step change to start fixing my debt problems. I want to get back to regular working again through my blog and freelance options.
And I’m getting a cat. I can not wait to introduce the new family member to you all. It’s something the children have wanted for such a long time and I have too and now I feel is the time. I appreciate after all that I’ve said above that having another responsibility may feel like I’m taking on too much but genuinely I think the time and energy I will have into caring for this kitten and making sure she has a safe and happy home will be a very positive step for me, particularly with Evangeline in secondary school now and Felix in Forest School more regularly. I don’t feel very needed at the moment I suppose either, with older children that are gaining more independence each and every day. I have been needed by someone for such a long time that it feels quite strange to not need to be at someone’s constant beck and call all day everyday.
Final Fantasy XIV is an online MMO available on PC and Playstation. It’s been a year since I started the game and I wanted to take the chance to reflect on some of my memories since I began.
My current FFXIV PSN playtime is 1,815 hours.
This time last year after having a PS5 for around six weeks I decided to try and give Final Fantasy 14 a try. I didn’t know what to expect other than the fact it was an MMO so there would be other players but being a fan of other final fantasy games it was one I had considered trying. I believe I purchased a multipack of all the expansions up to Shadowbringers for around £50 which included a 30 day free trial and then the subscription would be £8.99 per month. After the free trial ended I decided to preorder the next expansion, Endwalker, which was at the time due to come out in November 2021.
Avalon Lefae – My Current Favourite Machinist Glam – my chosen DPS role
Starting Jobs in FFXIV
I created my character, Avalon Lefae, as a female Au’Ra and started my game as an Arcanist as magic user has been my go to in video games. I remember googling ‘Can FFXIV be played solo’ and found that most of the game could be and everything was going fine up until my first dungeon. I’d spent all this time doing the MSQ hitting things with my book until I realised that wasn’t actually the way you should attack things and running around with my little Carbuncle murdering ladybirds only to be faced with my first obstacle. DPS queue times. Another google told me doing the job as a ‘Tank’ or a ‘Healer’ would speed things up. I knew a ‘tank’ character was one with high defence but I didn’t really know the expectations of ‘Tank’ players. I did however feel incredibly intimidated of the prospect of trying to keep everyone alive in a dungeon of players I didn’t know so I instead decided to try the class Marauderer.
After finally levelling it up enough I was able to go in my first dungeon and I had no idea what I was doing or what was expected of me. It was not good. I was constantly turning my stance on and off thinking it was an attack, I didn’t know about facing enemies away and I just made many, many mistakes. If you had told me last summer I would be progressing the current Savage raid tier as a tank I would have laughed and laughed in shock. There was however a lovely group of players that helped explain things to me my first time doing Aurum Vale which made the world of difference. I ensured my job stone was equipped as a Warrior, I kept stance on in dungeons and I was able to make my way through boss fights.
Avalon in her current WAR glam
I remember getting to Shadowbringers and really struggling as a tank still which really stopped my enjoyment of the game but it was the only job I had levelled. I originally changed jobs again and started levelling Black Mage and did end up getting it to level 61 but I was still so far from the MSQ stories where my Warrior was, I think, level 77. I became super disheartened and actually, in the end, I decided to buy a ‘job skip’ for a DPS role so that I could get closer to the point I was at in the MSQ and continue playing. For some reason I went with Machinist. I didn’t know much about it other than it had guns and I was like yep, this is the job for me. As I job skipped it took me to level 70 and with a week or so of roulettes I eventually got myself to the same level as my Warrior and was able to continue with the rest of the story.
A Thank you to my FC Solheim
I loved the story for FFXIV but what really made me love this game is joining the FC I am now, I hope to think, a valued member of. I was invited randomly at low level when wondering around La Noscea during my time playing A Realm Reborn. I remember seeing a whole host of ‘Welcome’s in the chat box appear but I didn’t know how to select the box and type. In fact the first time I did it was purely by accident and I remember saying that I had only just worked out how to type as I was on console. I still kept mostly to myself but occassionally joined in with content with others and then joined the FC discord server after asking my daughter to show me how to use it and set up my in server nickname as my ingame name.
I remember the first time I joined on voice chat was for a quick session doing the Wonderous Tales sticker book where the leader of the FC was talking through how to complete it. It was an hour or so of fun and chatting to others which I was pretty nervous about at first but thankfully everyone was nice and approachable. Over the summer I joined in with a few mount farms for others which was fun but the real turning point in how I interacted with everyone and how I got better at the game was in the Autumn. The FC were running regular events to farm the dragon mounts from the Shadowbringers extreme trials and had got to Emerald Weapon. I was nervous but finally had it unlocked and a Machinist at the right level and ilevel so I signed up to join and it was incredibly stressful.
Playing with FC members and doing fun challenges like a Min iLevel run of Cape Westwind before the changes has been so much fun
Becoming Avalon 2.0
I know my damage wasn’t really high enough compared to others and I was struggling a lot with positioning. In fact at that point I mostly played the game with the camera over my shoulder as I didn’t know how to zoom out. It wasn’t until that weapon fight that another console user told me which buttons to press and finally I could see the entire screen. It was the first time clearing a hard extreme trial and I ended up getting a mount drop too which was very cool. I then felt a little more confident to sign up with other FC events and put myself down for the next fight which was Diamond Weapon and it was horrible. We didn’t get one clear. I was so, so disheartened. I felt like I’d let everyone down because I just wasn’t good enough to be doing harder content. I stopped signing up for events and I actually didn’t log on very much for the following week. I didn’t really engage with anyone at all.
However, after a week I signed up for the next trial, The Seat of Sacrifice, and it completely changed how I played the game. Firstly because one of the other members of the team offered to show me how to play the game as a Machinist and gave me tips on improving my rotation, thus improving my damage. And as another team member said once “after that we got Avalon 2.0” and that lead me to getting all of my dragon mounts and then getting the confidence to pick Warrior back up and start tanking again.
Making fun glams is so much fun in FFXIV and I’ve collected so many glamour pieces now and changed my characters appearance a little along the way
Endwalker Expansion
The release of Endwalker was equally exciting for everyone and I remember logging in that day and getting straight into the MSQ. It was great experiencing this with the FC and seeing everyone’s reactions as they progressed. It was a lot of fun joining in for the first ex trials with the expansion with everyone and then the raids when they dropped. However, one of the biggest turning points for me was attempting the savage version of the newest raids which I am still trying to progress through now. We’ve had some set backs and changes and where I started the raids as a DPS I’ve now moved over to being the Off Tank during the raids which is a new way of doing the fights and things I’ve had to learn again.
I main Gun in FFXIV – just need to master and level Sage to have all three ‘gun’ jobs at max level
The social side of the game is something I didn’t expect to enjoy but I’ve now gained what I hope are long term friends that I spend a few nights each week raiding with. We do casual content during the day like farming fates or helping with dungeons, we get together for the new alliance raid to pick up glamour pieces and do treasure map runs for money and to do something chilled out and casual. Listening to other peoples theories and take on the lore of the game is always super interesting too and has made me look into things differently. It’s lovely having my ‘video game’ people too.
Getting Married in FFXIV
I couldn’t do this piece without mentioning my ingame wife who introduced me to more of the social side of gaming like going to parties and nightclubs in game, the stress of buying and decorating a house and arranging our very own wedding. It has been so lovely making such a good friend to do content with and learn raids and fights together. We wanted to get married because you got a mount for it and it gave you a chance to have a fun evening with friends which we did and then proceeded to do the treasure maps in our wedding outfits. It was a lot of fun.
My in game wife and I hanging out by our Limsa rock
Levelling Other Jobs
I am now, I’d like to think, a much better and more confident player. I’ve got a max level job in each category which I didn’t think would happen. I levelled all of my tanks and found a new favourite in Gunbreaker. I even levelled a healer, properly, by doing content and dungeons and can, semi confidently play Astrologian. I still love playing as a ranged DPS and with always love playing Machinist. I’ve also levelled all my crafters and gatherers, bar fisher which has been on level 87 since December. I had a lot of fun playing the new job Reaper which has become my chosen Melee DPS job. I’ve also got a few other jobs to 80 so that I can use them to do the new Beast Tribe quests when they are released in patch 6.15 – Bard, Red Mage and Dragoon.
I’ve also changed race for a little bit to Lalafell. I fully intend to go back to Avalon the Au’Ra but for now I’m happy playing as Lalavalon and will stay as a smol character until I’ve got my clear on P3S. She is super cute, I’m sure you’ll agree.
Lalavalon sipping tea serenely on the extreme raid progression bench in the Lavender Beds just outside our FC home
For the first time since Felix has been in nursery we were able to go and look around the setting and find out in person how he’s been getting on. This time last year we enrolled him in nursery willing to pay for two sessions a week because we were worried about what the long term impact of covid would have on his social skills. When the pandemic hit Felix was 18 months old and no longer allowed to see family and friends. It was such a crucial age for him. It was heart-breaking when we would go out for our walks and see him try to interact with other people and have to keep him away. We made the decision that preschool would be a good option for him even if we could only afford the minimum of a couple of sessions a week. I followed a recommendation for a preschool in my town because it had a great outside area and forest school aspect which I felt would really benefit Felix.
Now Felix has been in the setting for a year, he’s changed rooms from the baby room up to Hedgehogs and is finally beginning to talk about friendships he’s made. I’m really proud of how much he’s developed with the assistance of preschool and it’s something he absolutely loves attending. We now are able to qualify for the 15 hours of funding which has really helped our childcare costs as it was becoming quite expensive however it really helped him which made it worth it. During our chat with his keyworker last night they told us when Felix started he mostly only played alongside other children but for the last few months he has gradually been interacting with other children and has made some friends which is all I really wanted for him.
His language has really improved too in the last year and you can have an interesting conversation with him. He is very chatty most of the time and still talks with a bit of a made up language which no one seems to understand but him. I think at times he can get a little frustrated because he can’t quite get his point across but he is becoming more and more coherent. I love watching him play as he creates his own imaginary world with his toys and is becoming more and more expressive. His next step at nursery is to listen to instructions better because there are times when he is very defiant. A lot of this is working out his own frustrations and not wanting to do what he is told because he is already doing what he wants to do. I have seen him turn on the fake crying to get what he wants which I can often deter with distractions. I think this is all typical toddler/preschooler behaviour of testing his boundaries and becoming his own person and I have to admit I am finding it a lot easier to deal with than I did with his older sister. Maybe it’s because I’m older now.
I love Evie’s face in this one like “Why is he making me do this?”
We have another 18 months of Felix at home before he will be starting school full time so I want to make the most of this time. I love seeing him develop into his own person. Having spent half his life in a strange position with the pandemic I am glad we are able to give him some normality with nursery and I’m pleased he’s getting on so well. The next thing to tackle soon would be potty training which I’m apprehensive about but I think he’s ready for it and having the support of nursery I think it’s the right time for him.
