Last May I went to the doctors to ask for an assessment for ADHD, help with my eating disorder and self referred myself through iTalk for talking therapy. This is after years of suspecting I was autistic and then seeing a friend talk about a recent ADHD really made me consider trying to get some help with my weird brain. I’ve got confirmation I’m on the waiting list for the assessment, I’ve filled in forms for the NHS weight management referral but I’m still waiting to hear and but in January I had my first session of therapy and I’ve been having meetings mostly weekly since. I have to fill in a form every week as a risk assessment saying how I’m feeling. Apparently my depression score has got lower, I don’t really know how but I’ll go with it but my fear, worries and phobias score is still the same.
Honestly I’m still not sure on CBT, I understand how it works but I don’t know how compatible it is because I struggle with doing the tasks. Mostly because I forget. Or I set intentions to do it but then get distracted or procrastinate. Or the kids need me. But it’s still early on I suppose and sessions have been interrupted for various reasons so I’m going to keep going. Mostly because I feel like I need to show I’m trying and I do want to improve my mental health. Whilst I haven’t stuck to the tasks having someone to talk to that purely focuses on how I am doing and offers me reassurance has been helpful. I am quite a talkative person I guess and I’ve always find talking helps me to unload my brain from getting too overwhelmed. Like writing, it’s an outlet for me I suppose.
Thinking about it I’ve just always been wordy – something that may contradict what people believe about autistics in a stereotypical way – you don’t have to be non-verbal or struggle talking to be autistic. In fact I think I have too many words for people, perhaps that is part of the ADHD crossing over, part of the hyperactivity is talking too much. Sometimes I will think of something I want to say and I will think and think and think on it until the words just burst out of me. It’s never small talk though it’s usually just, well it’s kind of everything or whatever I am thinking of at the moment. I struggle with a filter and saying exactly what I think or what’s going on in my mind at that exact point. I think in words and pictures, I have a narrative voice in my mind – even as I’m typing this I’m ‘hearing’ the words in my head as my fingers fly across the keyboard. I guess I feel I have to put the words somewhere which is why I’ve always kept diaries and written letters and journals and now blogs. Words have been a creative, therapeutic and cathartic.
I have found some of the feedback useful and potentially that is what has helped my mood a little bit. I’ve been told that I do have problem solving skills which is something I’ve never really thought about myself but then I look back on how things have been in the past and how I have got things done as and when I have needed too, mostly at the point of a deadline, I kind of know I can accomplish those things again. She seems reassuring each time we speak but I don’t really feel like I’ve done anything to warrant the positive feedback just yet. I have however started getting out more and moving more because it’s something I know will do me good and just having some time out of my flat, alone, has been very beneficial. I’m not sure how it will progress, as it’s still early, but I do feel a little more positive about the future.
February 28th – March 6th is eating disorder awareness month. This year the focus is on asking ‘why wait?’ as the average time that passes between first noticing eating disorders and seeking help is 149 weeks. I know for me, this was much, much longer although with lengthy NHS waiting lists I’m still waiting for help nearly 10 months on. Beat eating disorders has more information, helplines and support on their website.
Firstly, I want to address the obvious – eating disorders affect a whole manner of people, no matter their age, body shape, size or gender. We live in a society that glorifies the idea of a perfect body that doesn’t really exists because photo image editing software exists. We also seem to believe that you can only have a problem if you’re thin, and if your fat then your issue is just laziness. People hate seeing fat people admit they have a problem other than a sheer lack of willpower because society has made us believe that thinness = health. Eating disorders are caused by so many different reasons and not only do they affect an individuals relationship with food, but they cause harm, sickness, problems functioning, sleep issues and a long lasting negative relationship with a persons body. Eating disorders are something that you live with for life, and take a lot of individual and well supported work to get through. My aim for this post is to just talk about them and my experience and what steps I did to seek help in the hopes that it helps others pick up the phone to their GP.
I have had life long issues with my weight, since perhaps the age of about eleven or twelve. So since I was a child. The fact that my weight was addressed as a preteen girl really affects me in a negative way. It makes me feel angry for the child I was, because I feel it was the wrong time to talk about my weight. Perhaps then if I understood my body was growing and changing a little more I would have negated a lot of the problems I’ve had for the last twenty three years. I didn’t grow up wealthy and my mum, who will admit this, hated cooking. Alongside me being a bit of a fussy eater and really disliking the flavour of some meals, and then the frustration at my friends fancy lunch boxes, full cupboards and nicer tasting dinners – well I think this is where my relationship with food really started to change. I also remember being in the early years of secondary school and it being commented on that I had ‘puppy fat’ as well as the constant reminder that I didn’t like going outside, running or playing sport like many of my family members did. I was pretty responsible though so was often asked to babysit, giving me my own money which would be blown on sweets, snacks and ice cream that I would binge on. Before I was sixteen I was encouraged to sign up to weight watchers.
Blurry because this is a photo of a photo – well before the day of digital cameras my friends…My Secondary School prom – June 2005 – I am the 4th one in from the left in red. I don’t remember what I weighed, but I know I had a lot of self hatred because I felt I was fat. I think I was maybe about ten stone. I had fat but I was actually a pretty healthy, albeit suffering from a multitude of mental health problems, sixteen year old girl.
Looking at the photo above makes me feel really sad because I know I was going through a pretty hard time during those years and I look at this photo and remember what a fun night I had. I’d had my last GCSE exam that day, it was Graphics Design, I got a D overall which is fine because I can’t actually draw or design things. But I remember crying about my body shape and size. I remember craving sugary things. I know I was stressed and probably depressed. The last two years of school especially were tough for so many reasons and I remember not really going. I remember getting ready to go and then just…not going. I think I blamed a lot of it on period pain, or I lied and said I had study leave and went to my grandparents house instead. This behaviour carried on well into college too where I was separated from my school friends, had broken up with my boyfriend, there was some strain in my relationship with all my parents and it was just a pretty bad time really.
At 17 and in college. I was working at this point so again my money went on junk food which lead to more frequent binge eating. As well as a lot of underage drinking.
I don’t think I ever actually realised I was binge eating until many years later. For years I have tried so many diets from weight watchers to slimming world to 16:8 diet, 5:2 diet, slim fast shakes, starve and binge…all to just put the weight back on and then some because deprivation leads to binge eating. Because exercise would be uncomfortable and make me feel judged and self conscious. Binge eating was for me linked to my emotions which I am trying to unravel now but I think now it was also linked to ADHD. I remember going a long time without eating because I would be hyper focusing on something and forgetting to eat which would inevitably lead to a binge when I realised just how hungry I was.
Over the years this has lead to decreased self confidence, constantly hating and disrespecting my body, self harm and so much guilt and shame over my appearance. This has only gotten worse after having two children and that changing my body shape permanently. I asked for help the same time I asked for an ADHD diagnosis but I am still waiting to see what happens next. One thing I did do which has been hugely beneficial is to stop dieting because I need to fix the relationship I have with food and my body before I even consider what I’m eating. The mentality I have around food needs to change as it’s been in deprivation mode for such a long time. Since stopping dieting, I haven’t put on weight which is a revelation in itself, although I recently wrote how my body image and being anti diet was conflicting particularly as a person drawn to an alternative sense of style but not being able to find clothes easily in my size. I do try and listen better for my hunger cues by stopping when I feel full and trying to eat small and often to prevent the need to binge although I do still struggle with this.
I’m not sure how much being referred to will help as it’s not particularly for eating disorders but again a focus on loosing weight despite me saying over and over again that I need help to mentally fix my relationship with food rather than being told to lose weight. I have been following and reading from body positive and fat activist people which has helped me stay far away from diets but hasn’t yet got me to a point where I feel confident or comfortable moving my body as often as I would like to and it deserves. I also can’t escape from the fact that for two years we’ve been living with plague and that has stripped down a lot of my confidence, my ability to socialise and interact properly with people and in all fairness the want to do anything other than things that make me happy. I have neglected a lot of myself, my writing, my want to be more physically active and the want to get help just because I have been so drained of energy.
I think this is something we as a society completely discount when it comes to eating disorders. The fact that they’re often caused my self esteem issues, low self confidence, a need to control something in an uncontrollable world and holding ourselves to unobtainable standards as portrayed in the media. The way that people from poorer backgrounds are more likely to have negative relationships with foods and those on low incomes are more likely to be obese because financial stress is a burden that is tiring to carry around with us. So don’t wait when it comes to seeking help for an eating disorder because as time goes on it only gets worse. Speak to a trusted friend, a GP, or reach out to BEAT. I encourage people to read about body positivity as it’s not just about being fat and loving your fatness but embracing your body and learning to love who you are. Acknowledge emotional eating cues and try and find other ways to satisfy those emotions if you can but reach out. Don’t struggle in silence.
If you’ve done your homework, installing solar panels on your house is the next logical step in achieving energy independence. Check out our guide to solar panels for your house to discover whether turning sustainable is in your future. There are many questions concerning residential solar panels, and we’re here to answer them.
Systems for generating electricity from solar panels at home
There are various aspects to consider while purchasing solar panels for a house, even if it’s from the best solar company. The solar panels are the most visible component of a residential solar energy system, but there are a number of other critical components. Home solar panel networks have the following characteristics and a we have a quick description of each. The rectangular photovoltaic panels that collect sunlight and transform it into direct current are known as panels. Approximately Twenty solar panels are required for the typical house. A big box-like structure that transforms direct current energy into alternating current. Our houses are powered by alternating current. The size of an inverter should support the weight of your solar panels, which are also measured in kilowatts. Although they are smaller than a single panel in terms of physical dimensions, they may still weigh up to several hundred pounds. Your system’s installer can help you choose the right inverter. Solar power might be wasted if the inverter becomes too small.
In a nutshell, fixed racks hold solar panels in place at a certain inclination, while variable racks may be shifted to reap the benefits of the sun’s path as it passes over the horizon. Your roof will be retrofitted with the solar panels in one of these two alternatives. In contrast, Tesla’s solar shingles, made famous by Tesla, one of the best reputable solar companies, are a third alternative that completely replace your current roof. Your solar system may include a huge lithium-ion battery that can be used to store extra energy for usage during off-peak hours. lithium-ion batteries have the longest lifespan of any other battery type or the newer batteries that allow you to sustain enough power day or night, as long as you store enough power during the day.
How to install a solar panel on your own
By putting up your own solar panels, you not only save money, but you also have more say in how your home’s solar system is designed in the end. However, you should be aware that there may be considerable disadvantages as well. First and foremost, this is a highly specialized job that requires a deep understanding of electrical wiring and solar panel functionality. The installation of solar panels requires knowledge of high-voltage circuitry and is not recommended for beginners. This section of the installation has a high risk of harm and should ideally be done by a trusted solar panels company. If done incorrectly, you run the risk of injuring yourself as well as causing significant damage to your property and fuse box. Solar installation may be risky and difficult if you don’t know what you’re doing. The use of your own solar panels means that you will be unable to benefit from the expertise of professional solar architects, who can assist you in designing a system that maximizes your ability to produce electricity while also saving you money.
A guide to improving your company’s use of electricity
With a few easy fixes, you can lower your running expenses by improving your business’s energy efficiency. To assist small and medium sized enterprises better evaluate their energy usage, study which solar choices are acceptable, calculate the business case, and overcome any roadblocks, this guide provides a clear step-by-step procedure.
I think everyone has ideals and expectations to what their first family home will look like, whether that is as a couple or a small family hoping to grow. My sister is currently looking to buy her first home with her partner and is scanning all the options possible to make it not only a happy first home, but an affordable one too. As first time buyers there are a lot of things to consider when buying your first home from who to use as a mortgage provider to the many different incentives and schemes available to first time buyers. One thing I know for certain is that when you’re paying full rent its quite difficult to save for a big deposit on a full mortgage and I think that is where shared ownership schemes bring in a happy balance.
What is Shared Ownership?
It’s pretty simple to define really as it’s exactly what it implies – you, the buyer, owns a specific share of the property and a local housing association owns the rest. This allows for lower income families or younger couples to save up a considerably smaller deposit as they are purchasing a smaller share of the property. This usually starts from a 25% ownership share however, there are bigger shares available depending on the property. You do have to pay both mortgage and rent to the housing association but this doesn’t necessarily mean you will pay more than someone that buys their home with full ownership.
What are the eligibility requirements for Shared Ownership?
Those buying the house and applying for the mortgage must be 18 years old and over and have a household income under £80,000 per year. This scheme is designed to get lower income families and couples on the property ladder by owning some equity in their house. You will need to be able to provide proof of income, residency and identification when applying for a shared ownership scheme.
How do you find the best shared ownership mortgage?
The best way to do this is with a mortgage advisor who can go through everything with you and you can lay all your cards on the table once you’ve found a suitable property to consider buying. I have seen a portion of new build properties offer this scheme in the past and I have also seen these types of properties advertised with estate agents online. It is worth noting that not all providers will cover shared ownership so you might want to look at a suitable mortgage broker such as Mortgage Light to find the most suitable shared ownership mortgage for you. Mortgage brokers do all the searching for you and present you with the best offers, rates and give you as much information about the provider as possible. It’s a reputable way to find a good mortgage at a rate that you can afford without doing all the searching manually yourself which can seem a bit overwhelming.
Finding the perfect home and staircasing to own it outright
I think this is the most exciting but also the most daunting part because we all have expectations about our perfect home and requirements that we think will make it a place we want to settle down into. Of course once you’re in a shared ownership property the memories you make together and the life you live in it, the decor and finishing homely touches, might make you want to consider owning it outright. Some shared ownership properties allow what is known as ‘staircasing’ where you purchase a larger share of the property. This of course requires you to have a bigger mortgage and further savings for deposits but it also means you own more of the home you’ve come to love and pay less rent to the housing association. It also gives you more time to save and be able to afford a bigger mortgage and eventually the entire share of the house.
I have been anti-diet for a few years now, prominently during a global pandemic where all coping mechanisms have had to be altered but I’ve also taken issue with the body positive movement which is something I also feel I don’t really belong to. As a result I haven’t gained weight as I was doing. I haven’t regularly weighed myself to try and keep track of the numbers but I know I haven’t done a huge amount to benefit my health either because mentally I just haven’t had the capability to do it.
Don’t get me wrong the diet industry destroys lives at the cost of billions of pounds and now seems to be trying to appease body positive and fat activists by calling itself ‘wellbeing’ industry. Trying to make it things it cares about your feelings and wants to encourage positive lifestyle changes when really it just wants you to buy its ready meals, pay its slimming club fees and use its apps. It doesn’t care. It hasn’t changed. It’s just rebranded. On the other end of this though I am seeing a lot more personal trainers of all different sizes talking about encouraging movement and trying to be more accessible to all body types, shapes and sizes – which is a great thing. I’m hearing people talk about healthy fat people in a different way, occasionally, although the message that you can be healthy and fat is still perplexing to some.
Obesity is not a health problem, it’s a class problem with people in poorer areas, from working class families unable to life as healthy lifestyle as someone that has the financial means to buy good, fresh food regularly and has the time to prepare nourishing meals whatever time of day. Delivery courier companies have made fast food more accessible to everyone and when you are feeling low, you don’t have the energy to cook, you can get pretty much whatever you want with a few taps on a screen. There are clear links between poorer households and weight problems, which are caused by a whole multitude of problems. I think after living in a time period of such high stress for the last few years everyone is talking about their covid weight gain. Not to mention we are coming up to Spring so social media is full of ‘get bikini body ready with my xyz product this summer’ advertisements which is just a load of bull – I’ll say it again for the people in the back – every body is a bikini body.
I don’t have a full body mirror in my flat so all I have is this recent photo of me and my son in our building lift.
Despite knowing all this, despite wanting to be anti diet and wanting to accept my body and make health conscious choices which include nourishing food, joyous movement and doing things that actively reduce stress I still take issue with how I look and feel. I don’t feel happy with my body but being anti-diet makes me think how can I make changes. Not to mention the potentiality for having ADHD which has been linked to binge-eating disorder as its a way to gain a sugar rush or dopamine hit – food that tastes good brings me pleasure therefore I crave it because I need/want the dopamine. My relationship with food is awful. I go through times of binge eating to times of forgetting to eat. High stress levels prevent hunger cues going through to my brain which then stops me functioning properly and affect my mood in other ways. These are all things I know and recognise in myself.
Then comes the battle of feeling physically sick when I look at my body in the mirror. There are days when I think okay I’m not too fat, I’m not too unattractive, I’m not too big and then I glimpse myself in the mirror and automatically deflate internally when I realise how small my head looks compared to my shoulders. I’m very much an apple shape, small head and shapely limbs but a very round body. I can’t say I have curves because I don’t. I know for so many people the easy answer is to just eat less and move more but it’s not that simple when your relationship with food is so messed up, and when you want to get up and move but your executive dysfunction stops that from happening. I thing one thing I really struggle with is genuinely liking an alternative appearance when it comes to clothing and those websites only offering a size 18, maybe a 20 at a push. So I can’t even dress how I want right now to try and increase my body positivity because those sizes are too small for me.
These are things I want to actively work on because I know I feel good when I move more. I know I need to respect my body better by feeding it food that will nourish it. I know I don’t want to focus on numbers but I would really like to be in a position to buy clothing I actually like. I want to feel good about my body, I want to respect that I’ve carried two children into the world. I don’t have any health problems that are dramatically affecting me from making better decisions for myself. I also feel like I’m betraying everything about hating the diet industry by admitting I would like to fit into smaller sized clothing. Not to mention, on a somewhat related note, that researching about ADHD has lead to me thinking that a good way to help me be healthier is ready prepared food for the days I don’t have the energy to cook but this causes guilt in an eco-conscious way because it means more plastic, more waste and that in itself causes so much stress.
The problem here I think is the guilt. I feel guilty for not doing enough, for not fixing enough, for wasting too much, for being anti-diet but wanting to lose weight, for liking food too much…the list is really endless and guilt is for sure a huge problem here. And again, I wonder is this a neurodivergent thing because I feel things so strongly, over such insignificant things that the guilt puts a stumbling block in my path from doing anything at all. These are all things I need and want to work on. I hope with time I can learn to make healthier decisions for myself both for my body and my mental health because living each day in guilt is stressful and I don’t think I can cope with it much longer.
