Candyfloss & Dreams

Category: Lifestyle

lifestyle blog posts focusing on home, lifestyle, parenting, pregnancy, family life and home and style. Home decor and working at home, working at home as a self employed freelancer and blogger. Family lifestyle blog posts including family reviews, family products and saving money as a family. Being a more eco friendly family.

  • January 2024

    January 2024

    I want to try this year. I want to try and make things better for myself and for my loved ones. It isn’t that I haven’t explicitly tried in years prior but I feel a little lighter right now and I want to try and embrace what I am fortunate enough to have.

    I am going to look for a neurodivergent therapist for myself. After a very long and daunting process I was awarded PIP at the end of 2023 and want to use that allowance to help improve my mental state, understand my limits with my disabilities and I know if I am better, I can be better for others. I do not remember a time where I was anxiety and depression free not to mention completely burned out. I have struggled a lot with my diagnosis over the last year and I have acknowledged that I need some help.

    I am going to reconnect with my spirituality. Parts of magick, witchcraft and the occult have been an interest of mine for well over twenty years now and it’s a part of myself that I have kind of pushed to one side for the last few years. I think it’s because the pull towards witchcraft has always been there but the sheer amount of information and tools are hugely exciting yet overwhelming. I want to start bringing magick back into my life regularly but in small, comforting ways. I feel particularly drawn to shadow work which, as someone that acknowledges they need therapy, I think will go well together. Fully understanding myself, the good and the bad, will help me to heal and break this cycle I feel stuck in. I’ve always had an infinity for Tarot and Astrology and feel they can be really useful tools to help me make decisions about my life. As someone that is constantly scatterbrained I feel my intuition can be clouded and things like Tarot help me to connect the dots through the clutter.

    I want to do more things that bring me small joys in my day to day. I am going to use the good notebooks. I will burn the best candles. I will find comfort in the soft and fluffy. I will try and relinquish feelings of guilt and shame about things that bring me joy even if people think I’m too old for them. Regulating my emotions, feelings and sensory stimulation is so vital for my survival. Reading YA books because I love that sense of fearlessness from the protagonists, playing video games that allow me to roleplay as other characters and having pink cat ear headphones as I listen to my favourite music whilst may not be the taste of every 35 year old but it’s harmless, and it’s how I am. I have been judged, from others and myself, for far too long and it has proven to be a pretty miserable place. It may take some time to stop feeling shame or like I need to hide some of that stuff away but I will get there.

  • Turning 35

    Turning 35

    Today is my birthday. I have spent it with family and chatting with friends. With delicious food and buying nerdy things. Cuddling my cat and pampering myself with face masks and bath bombs. It’s been a nice day, although hectic and busy. My daughter wrote me a birthday card that made me cry with such a thoughtful message and the first time she has gone out of her way to get me a gift of her own money. Not that I expect my children to get me anything but her thought really mattered. I had a friend send me my favourite cake which is delicious.

    There are times in recent years where I’ve felt I’m not quite adult enough. That I haven’t grown up enough. I sit here today in a pokemon t-shirt with a sailor moon cup at my desk and pink headphones with cat ears over my monitor. What I have realised, is that my thirties are allowing me to be unapologetically me. The me I wanted to be at 15 but got told things where too young for me. The cute stuff, the cartoons, the video games…all the weird and wonderful witchy things that I have found comfort in over the years but felt like they should be kept away or guilty pleasures.

    I am tired of feeling guilty over things that bring me joy and I am not going to spend the rest of my life trying to be someone I’m not because of this fake ideal I’ve had in my head of what a grown up should be. No more shame over playing Animal Crossing or other cutesy games, over my interest in tarot cards and my fondness of cake. I will use the things I have purchased. I will burn the good candles. I will wear my favourite perfume even if I plan on staying snuggled in PJs all day. I will tell the people I care about how much they mean to me, that I love them. I will ruin the good notebooks. I will bend back the pages of a book when I can’t find a bookmark. I will embrace all of this because these are all things that make me, me. And honestly, I’m not that bad really. I’m a bit weird and a bit awkward but I’m okay with that.

    In a way I’ve been struggling with my identity for some time but recently I think I’ve come to embrace it a little more and that’s kind of thanks to a character I created to play XIV in because it kind of got me through a tough time. I felt for a long time since creating ‘Avalon’ as a video game character that I was just creating another mask to play behind but the truth is I’ve been my most authentic self as Avalon. Introducing myself as Avalon isn’t introducing myself as a character, it’s all the great parts of me that I want people to see. Sometimes that has been clumsy but it’s really helped me, mostly through the friends I have met as Avalon, come to show a little kindness to myself.

  • Netflix – Cyberpunk: Edgerunners

    Netflix – Cyberpunk: Edgerunners

    Spoiler warning because I suck. Please watch the show if you don’t like spoilers.

    When I was younger, I watched Pokemon and that was fine. A few years later I kind of got into Sailor Moon and Digimon but for some reason for a girl my age that wasn’t fine anymore. I got made fun of and teased about watching Anime and that stuck with me. Even though there is *so* much around that isn’t just pocket monsters and magical girls, having this notion of not being allowed to watch it because of what other people thought sucked. I am a pretty nerdy person and I get fixated on things quickly if I enjoy them thanks to my neurodivergent brain but at the time, not knowing why some of my fixations lead to shame. I’m older now, I’m trying to get back parts of myself I lost. I’m trying to remind myself that I am allowed to enjoy things even if other people think I shouldn’t, because I feel like I lost out. So Anime is for everyone, although Cyberpunk: Edgerunners isn’t, it’s excellent, but its pretty gory, violent and the opening episode has some pretty heavy sexual content. It is also emotionally soulcrushingly devestating and to quote a friend I know have the post Edgerunners depression debuff.

    “Let You Down” by Dawid Podsiadlo is the track that plays during the end credits of each episode of Cyberpunk: Edgerunners and is emotionally heartbreaking. I am obsessed with the line “Hold on to your wishes if you can’t hold on to me.”

    I’ve listened to a lot of out of context talk for Cyberpunk 2077 particularly given how poorly the game was released. In short, Sony had to pull it from it’s PSN store because the game was absolutely awful on PS4 release. As in, it was completely unplayable. That was in 2022, and now people seem to have a bit more respect and acknowledgement for what seems like a pretty good game. I certainly have my interest piqued after watching the Netflix anime show Cyberpunk: Edgerunners which is a prequel set a year prior to the videogame.

    I watched the entire 10 episodes in about three days roughly. Each episode is around 20-25 minutes long so it is very easy to binge and it is worth every single second. I was sent the above music video which is the track that plays during the end credits of each episode and it completely sets the tone. It’s an excellent track which is stuck in my head and has lyrics that perfectly sum up some of the characters intentions, feelings and emotions.

    Cyberpunk: Edgerunners follows David, a young student living in Night City, home to those that love body modifications including cybernetic implants, high tech corporations and many, many secrets. David witnesses something pretty tragic and faced with debt, a school bully and no one by his side he gets fixed with a miliary grade implant that gives him the ability to move incredibly fast. He has an affinity for it but for everyone the more implants, the higher the risk of cyberpsychosis – a side affect where the modifications fry your brain and make you go completely insane, often leading and ending in a murderous rampage. David balances on the edge of sanity whilst using his gear throughout the series but with Lucy, a netrunner or hacker by his side and the rest of the merc crew he joins as a way to earn money he keeps himself in check.

    “I Really Want To Stay At Your House” By Rosa Walton, Hallie Coggins – this video perfectly shows Lucy and David’s relationship. I can’t get enough of this either and the moments this track plays in the show really hits you. “Another evening I’ll be sitting reading in between your lines. Because I miss you all the time.” is a line that certainly makes me think about things.

    I never expected to feel quite so much in just ten relatively short episodes and to come away still thinking about it. I woke up this morning with the above songs in my head still. I have been listening to the songs on Spotify including a couple of playlists with various tracks from the show, the videogame and songs inspired by the show it seems. So much is packed into each episode and even though things move on pretty fast it was easy to keep up with all the characters. I don’t think I could survive in a city like Night City without a crew of people by my side keeping me in check. The relationship between David and Lucy feels really intense because the episodes are short but in a city where things can simply end so quickly, it’s no wonder people just go with what they are feeling.

    My favourite character is Rebecca with all her chaos goblin energy. She’s a small, feral thing that’s fast to anger and has many guns. Her adrenaline spikes during missions and she can often be found wielding a gun looking far too big for her manically laughing. It’s not unusual for me to be drawn to these kind of characters as someone with an affinity for chaos myself.

    Cyberpunk: Edgerunners is available to watch on Netflix. It’s well worth the time and emotional exhaustion.

  • 10 Things About Me

    10 Things About Me

    I am attempting to join in with #Blogtober22 to get back in the habit of writing things again more regularly. I feel like it’s going to be a good opportunity to make blogging and writing part of my daily routine that has been really lacking over the last eighteen months or so and something I’ve really missed. The actual prompt for today is ten things you don’t know about me but I feel like any ten things I can share will be things someone already knows as I have shared a lot in the past on this blog. I also feel with BlogOn coming up next weekend this could be a good way to share a little bit more about me with any first time attendees that might stumble on this post or I suppose a refresher in who I am beyond the blog.

    1. My favourite type of cake is Red Velvet cake. I don’t know why. The only thing I can think of, other than because it’s usually delicious, is because it is red and red is my favourite colour. The topic of cakes, cookies and various baked goods is a common conversation, almost like a default, if you will. Finding Cake in a Jar not too long ago was just an all round great experience having home made cake delivered. Eating it from a jar was very satisfying.
    2. I have a huge collection of candles that I will get around to burning one day but not right now because some of them are just too pretty to melt. This is something I will never financially recover from.
    3. I play most video games on easy mode because I like to complete them rather than get stuck on random encounters over and over again. I say most because apparently this doesn’t apply to Final Fantasy 14 where I have decided to do savage raiding for some unknown and slightly insane reason which is where I am stuck on an encounter and trying to murder a monster and failing over and over again.
    4. I never fully recovered from my emo phase that began when I was about fifteen. My playlists still consist of my favourite songs from back then and I love to sing along in the jar, loudly, much to the displeasure of my children. As I grew up I kind of supressed my inner goth a lot but now I want to make my home as witchy and gothic as I possibly can.
    5. I like animals but I love cats. I am a cat person. I am a witch with a cat now. A cat called Lilith and that is, in my opinion, the perfect name for a witch’s familiar. I’m not sure how useful she will be in the ways of witchy woowoo but I am hoping for the best!
    6. I read a lot, or at least I do when I’m not in a complete reading slump as I am right now. I have a varied interest in books and there isn’t one particular genre I like the most however I am usually drawn to YA fantasy romances because there’s just something so heartwarming and magical about that first love.
    7. I like being creative. That has been from learning musical instruments to doodling to creative writing. I love storytelling in all forms. I love photography and it’s something I’d really like to improve in. I really do have a lot of fun setting up flatlays for instagram even though it’s a lot of work.
    8. I have struggled with my mental health since I was around eight years old when my parents divorced. It was something that really did traumatise me and then things that happened following that lead to me struggling and developing an anxiety disorder. I have since learned that this is (probably) also due to being undiagnosed with ADHD. Topics I have already discussed on this blog are domestic violence, eating disorders, sexual abuse, self harm, how my anxiety manifests for me and some of my experience with therapy. I’m not afraid of talking about these things and my experience of these things candidly in the hope that it encourages others to talk about them, to seek help and to find some relatable common ground with another person. Suffering and struggling is hard enough as it is, but doing it and feeling alone with it is crippling.
    9. Blogging has been an excellent source of catharsis, self expression and helping to reduce the chaotic overwhelm of my brain. I wonder if as I have not had the energy to write much over the last eighteen months especially if that has been something that has lead to me feeling burned out because I haven’t been able to access writing as an outlet for such a long time. I can’t even explain why I haven’t been able to because it’s something I would do for hours. I love planning content and gathering inspiration from various sources and it’s something that has always made me feel good ever since I started this site, and the many before, back in 2013.
    10. I’d like to think I am a kind person and enjoy helping others. I like having deep and meaningful conversations with other people. I feel like we come into peoples lives at a time to help, to learn or to love (platonically and/or romantically) and I would like to think when people interact with me they come away from that feeling like it was worthwhile.

  • Introducing our kitten Lilith

    Introducing our kitten Lilith

    For the longest time our family have wanted a pet but living in a flat and just generally not having a huge amount of space indoors or any private outdoor space I was resigned to waiting until we moved. However, that just doesn’t feel like it’s going to be anytime soon. Felix is now a little older that he can understand how to behave a little better around a pet and so we had been looking into it for a while. We found a lovely family that had just had a litter of black and white kittens that were looking to go to loving, forever homes which is where we found Lilith.

    Lilith has only been with us for just under a week but has already fitted right into family life and it just feels like it was the right time for us all. I believe she’s around eleven weeks old now and has had no problem adjusting to a new environment. Coming from a family home she was used to being handled, petted and played with by children which was a huge plus for us. We will be keeping her as a house cat due to being in a flat so trying to make sure she has plenty of things to play with. She took to using her litter trays really well and is eating and drinking as expected. Honestly, we’ve yet to have any issues with her.

    I was very nervous about how she would settle in because of the change of environment but she’s really done well. At night time I have been leaving the living room and my bedroom doors open so she can still find me but also so she has access to space if she needs it. When I head to bed she has been following me into the bedroom and having a bit of a play but hasn’t been any trouble. I often wake in the night to find her curled up near the end of the bed or being woken up to having my toes attacked. She seems attached to me as I am the one putting her food out in the morning but this has lead to her curling up beside me for her day time naps unless Felix is here. Lilith will often follow Felix around as he loves playing with her and during her nap times she will sometimes go and sit next to him to fall asleep where he will gently share his blanket with her. It’s completely adorable.

    Notice how in the background Lilith decided she hated the decor and has tried ripping it down