Today is my birthday. I have spent it with family and chatting with friends. With delicious food and buying nerdy things. Cuddling my cat and pampering myself with face masks and bath bombs. It’s been a nice day, although hectic and busy. My daughter wrote me a birthday card that made me cry with such a thoughtful message and the first time she has gone out of her way to get me a gift of her own money. Not that I expect my children to get me anything but her thought really mattered. I had a friend send me my favourite cake which is delicious.
There are times in recent years where I’ve felt I’m not quite adult enough. That I haven’t grown up enough. I sit here today in a pokemon t-shirt with a sailor moon cup at my desk and pink headphones with cat ears over my monitor. What I have realised, is that my thirties are allowing me to be unapologetically me. The me I wanted to be at 15 but got told things where too young for me. The cute stuff, the cartoons, the video games…all the weird and wonderful witchy things that I have found comfort in over the years but felt like they should be kept away or guilty pleasures.
I am tired of feeling guilty over things that bring me joy and I am not going to spend the rest of my life trying to be someone I’m not because of this fake ideal I’ve had in my head of what a grown up should be. No more shame over playing Animal Crossing or other cutesy games, over my interest in tarot cards and my fondness of cake. I will use the things I have purchased. I will burn the good candles. I will wear my favourite perfume even if I plan on staying snuggled in PJs all day. I will tell the people I care about how much they mean to me, that I love them. I will ruin the good notebooks. I will bend back the pages of a book when I can’t find a bookmark. I will embrace all of this because these are all things that make me, me. And honestly, I’m not that bad really. I’m a bit weird and a bit awkward but I’m okay with that.
In a way I’ve been struggling with my identity for some time but recently I think I’ve come to embrace it a little more and that’s kind of thanks to a character I created to play XIV in because it kind of got me through a tough time. I felt for a long time since creating ‘Avalon’ as a video game character that I was just creating another mask to play behind but the truth is I’ve been my most authentic self as Avalon. Introducing myself as Avalon isn’t introducing myself as a character, it’s all the great parts of me that I want people to see. Sometimes that has been clumsy but it’s really helped me, mostly through the friends I have met as Avalon, come to show a little kindness to myself.