So when it comes to looking after myself I’m not that brillaint. In fact I tend to go all or nothing which is one of the reasons why I’m seeking an ADHD diagnosis. One thing I haven’t kept on top of is my eye tests. I had one back in March 2021 but previous to that it was like 2015. I was late having one in 2017 and then I was pregnant with my second child for pretty much all of 2018. Then life. So it was a long time. Anyway, my vision was getting worse, I had migraines every so often and then I started getting really painful throbbing headaches that would wake me up in the night. It was really intense throbbing so I just put it down to more migraines. Eventually i got my eyes tested and the optician corrected my glasses prescription and reffered me for further examinations for a bulging optic nerve. Now it says on the referral that the photo taken of my eye was very similar to that taken six years ago so there hasn’t been a huge change and I’m sort of borderline problematic (that’s my life basically).
7th July I go to the opthomologist appointment, he asks about my health and I say aside from why I’m here, physical is fine, mental health is not and I’m currently seeking help for all my issues including binge eating disorder. Dr does the eye examinations and refers me to have an MRI to find the source of the pressure. Could be my nerves have always looked like that, could be something else and hopefully the MRI will show. He suspects its either nothing or something called Idiopathic Intercranial Hypertension (IIH) which is rare, but, 30 something fat women are the ‘typical’ suffers. Guess what puts it in remission? Fucking weight loss. So we’ve got a problem where long term I could lose my sight, short term I have to have lots of horrible inteventions like shunts, medications regular hospital appointments with a neurologist etc but equally I am anti-diet having tried them all over the last fifteen years and being referred for binge eating disorder.
I’m not going to lie to you I’m really scared. I’m scared that the MRI will show something worse, I am scared of loosing my sight and never seeing my kids faces again. Basically I’m left with no other option. I have got to fix my issues with binge eating and food and I have got to focus on building a healthy, strong, happy body. I’m currently on a Rebel Fit programme and I am determined to fix this. I don’t want to make this into a weight loss blog and I do not intend do. I do not support diets, I do not support diet culture. I know I need to change my thought process, make pleasurable but healthy choices and move my body regularly.
I have some blood tests coming up to help with all of this and they will be done before the MRI because that takes around a month. I can however start making some positive lifestyle changes right now. It’s going to be doing the therapies, working with Mind and iTalk, doing the blood tests and getting that sorted. I’m going to start balancing my meals and making them fun, flavourful choices. Rebelfit is really going to help with this. I’m also going to focus on strength workouts, yoga, and as much as I hate it, walking.
I hope my neurodivergent brain will make getting healthy my new hyperfocus and I can turn it into my super power because I am not loosing my sight to this. I know there are visually impaired people that live quality and fufilling lives and I am not trying to disrespect that at all. However, I have a problem that I can fix and I am going to. Obviously I don’t have a diagnosis yet, as I have to wait for the MRI and I’m scared and I just wanted to write down my thoughts and feelings. I know there will be people googling their symptoms or bulging optic never what does it mean like I was.
I will try and write this stuff regularly and write again with the results of the blood tests and MRI scan when that happens. For now, I’m going to focus on moving my body more, drinking more water and making fufilling, healthy food choices.