Candyfloss & Dreams

Blog

  • Happy International Women’s Day 2022 #BreakTheBias

    Happy International Women’s Day 2022 #BreakTheBias

    I want to make it absolutely clear that as a feminist, I celebrate International Women’s Day for all women, trans folk and the lgtbq+ community because women’s rights globally have a huge impact on minorities. I feel this as a queer person who has continuously questioned their gender identity and sexuality which is surrounded in gender based bias, especially as one that has been in straight-passing relationships for most of her adult life. I write this for folks that have experienced gender based bias, harassment and violence from their work colleagues, health professionals and romantic partners.

    It’s 2022, we’ve faced a lot of rubbish in the last few years with a pandemic and now a horribly violent conflict in Europe. My heart goes out to all those fleeing the war in Ukraine right now. I couldn’t write this without saying; how I feel so incredibly guilty about just carrying on with my day to day life knowing and seeing the events unfold on the continent and, getting increasingly frustrated at the UK governments approach completely lacking in consideration and compassion. The case of Sarah Everard last year highlighting once again men in a position of authority will target women just because they can and their colleagues will give them sexually aggressive nicknames and laugh about it rather than raise concerns about a person’s misogynistic approach.

    I am not on board with the entire ‘not all men’ comment which always comes around during International Women’s Day – not all men are abusers, not all men are sexually aggressive, not all men are violent against women – we know. We know it’s not all men. This should go without saying. But it is 1 in 3 women that experience gender based violence, sexual abuse and harassment because of a man. This post isn’t about being anti-men. I have been a victim of sexual abuse, of domestic violence, of harassment and of gender based bias from strangers, in relationships, male health professionals and in the workplace. I do not hate all men. I have not given up on all men. I am not fearful or automatically untrustworthy of all men. Not to mention I have heard harrowing tales of gender based emotional and physical abuse by women to men. I know it exists. I just feel we can’t #BreakTheBias if we ignore that. But I hope, that with equality, understanding, awareness; that erasing gender based bias for all genders, for all minorities and sexualities, we will come together better.

    It’s 2022 and we still have a government that doesn’t particularly care about gender based rights. That feels like a middle class white man’s old boys club and women in the cabinet that just hate other women really. We still don’t have things in place to truly protect a women’s place in the workplace after having children, decent maternity pay, decent paternity pay and adequate time off even. Where flexible working feels like a code for ‘lazy’ despite so many women over the last few years proving they can work from home successfully whilst still being mothers and having to crisis school. Where the gender pay gap still exists. Being a woman, and being a mother, does not make you any less capable in the work place than your colleagues.

    In 2022 it’s still up to women to prevent their own sexual assault by not walking alone at night and rape victims still being asked what they were wearing. It’s still up to women to alter their hormone levels to protect from pregnancies and in so many places in the world not have access to safe, legal abortions. And most of the time these decisions that directly affect a women’s safety, sexual and mental health are made for by men. Alongside all of this is the discrimination and exploitation of sex workers that are criminalised and stereotyped yet the folk that want to use these services are encouraged and almost celebrated. I have nothing against sex work, if someone wants to do that kind of work and they are able to do it safely then it makes no difference to me.

    I remember watching something on television not so long ago about men not knowing how to approach women because they were worried about coming across as misogynistic and sexist following the me too movement but it didn’t occur to them that women might want to be treated and spoken to in just a regular way? It is time to end gender bias once and for all for the equality, safety and protection of all genders. So I celebrate today thinking of the wonderful achievements women have made in history, I mourn the loss of life at the hands of gender based violence and in countries where women are not as fortunate as I am to live in a safer part of the world.

  • Six Weeks of CBT Therapy

    Six Weeks of CBT Therapy

    Last May I went to the doctors to ask for an assessment for ADHD, help with my eating disorder and self referred myself through iTalk for talking therapy. This is after years of suspecting I was autistic and then seeing a friend talk about a recent ADHD really made me consider trying to get some help with my weird brain. I’ve got confirmation I’m on the waiting list for the assessment, I’ve filled in forms for the NHS weight management referral but I’m still waiting to hear and but in January I had my first session of therapy and I’ve been having meetings mostly weekly since. I have to fill in a form every week as a risk assessment saying how I’m feeling. Apparently my depression score has got lower, I don’t really know how but I’ll go with it but my fear, worries and phobias score is still the same.

    Honestly I’m still not sure on CBT, I understand how it works but I don’t know how compatible it is because I struggle with doing the tasks. Mostly because I forget. Or I set intentions to do it but then get distracted or procrastinate. Or the kids need me. But it’s still early on I suppose and sessions have been interrupted for various reasons so I’m going to keep going. Mostly because I feel like I need to show I’m trying and I do want to improve my mental health. Whilst I haven’t stuck to the tasks having someone to talk to that purely focuses on how I am doing and offers me reassurance has been helpful. I am quite a talkative person I guess and I’ve always find talking helps me to unload my brain from getting too overwhelmed. Like writing, it’s an outlet for me I suppose.

    Thinking about it I’ve just always been wordy – something that may contradict what people believe about autistics in a stereotypical way – you don’t have to be non-verbal or struggle talking to be autistic. In fact I think I have too many words for people, perhaps that is part of the ADHD crossing over, part of the hyperactivity is talking too much. Sometimes I will think of something I want to say and I will think and think and think on it until the words just burst out of me. It’s never small talk though it’s usually just, well it’s kind of everything or whatever I am thinking of at the moment. I struggle with a filter and saying exactly what I think or what’s going on in my mind at that exact point. I think in words and pictures, I have a narrative voice in my mind – even as I’m typing this I’m ‘hearing’ the words in my head as my fingers fly across the keyboard. I guess I feel I have to put the words somewhere which is why I’ve always kept diaries and written letters and journals and now blogs. Words have been a creative, therapeutic and cathartic.

    I have found some of the feedback useful and potentially that is what has helped my mood a little bit. I’ve been told that I do have problem solving skills which is something I’ve never really thought about myself but then I look back on how things have been in the past and how I have got things done as and when I have needed too, mostly at the point of a deadline, I kind of know I can accomplish those things again. She seems reassuring each time we speak but I don’t really feel like I’ve done anything to warrant the positive feedback just yet. I have however started getting out more and moving more because it’s something I know will do me good and just having some time out of my flat, alone, has been very beneficial. I’m not sure how it will progress, as it’s still early, but I do feel a little more positive about the future.

  • My Life with Binge Eating Disorder

    My Life with Binge Eating Disorder

    February 28th – March 6th is eating disorder awareness month. This year the focus is on asking ‘why wait?’ as the average time that passes between first noticing eating disorders and seeking help is 149 weeks. I know for me, this was much, much longer although with lengthy NHS waiting lists I’m still waiting for help nearly 10 months on. Beat eating disorders has more information, helplines and support on their website.

    Firstly, I want to address the obvious – eating disorders affect a whole manner of people, no matter their age, body shape, size or gender. We live in a society that glorifies the idea of a perfect body that doesn’t really exists because photo image editing software exists. We also seem to believe that you can only have a problem if you’re thin, and if your fat then your issue is just laziness. People hate seeing fat people admit they have a problem other than a sheer lack of willpower because society has made us believe that thinness = health. Eating disorders are caused by so many different reasons and not only do they affect an individuals relationship with food, but they cause harm, sickness, problems functioning, sleep issues and a long lasting negative relationship with a persons body. Eating disorders are something that you live with for life, and take a lot of individual and well supported work to get through. My aim for this post is to just talk about them and my experience and what steps I did to seek help in the hopes that it helps others pick up the phone to their GP.

    I have had life long issues with my weight, since perhaps the age of about eleven or twelve. So since I was a child. The fact that my weight was addressed as a preteen girl really affects me in a negative way. It makes me feel angry for the child I was, because I feel it was the wrong time to talk about my weight. Perhaps then if I understood my body was growing and changing a little more I would have negated a lot of the problems I’ve had for the last twenty three years. I didn’t grow up wealthy and my mum, who will admit this, hated cooking. Alongside me being a bit of a fussy eater and really disliking the flavour of some meals, and then the frustration at my friends fancy lunch boxes, full cupboards and nicer tasting dinners – well I think this is where my relationship with food really started to change. I also remember being in the early years of secondary school and it being commented on that I had ‘puppy fat’ as well as the constant reminder that I didn’t like going outside, running or playing sport like many of my family members did. I was pretty responsible though so was often asked to babysit, giving me my own money which would be blown on sweets, snacks and ice cream that I would binge on. Before I was sixteen I was encouraged to sign up to weight watchers.

    Blurry because this is a photo of a photo – well before the day of digital cameras my friends…My Secondary School prom – June 2005 – I am the 4th one in from the left in red. I don’t remember what I weighed, but I know I had a lot of self hatred because I felt I was fat. I think I was maybe about ten stone. I had fat but I was actually a pretty healthy, albeit suffering from a multitude of mental health problems, sixteen year old girl.

    Looking at the photo above makes me feel really sad because I know I was going through a pretty hard time during those years and I look at this photo and remember what a fun night I had. I’d had my last GCSE exam that day, it was Graphics Design, I got a D overall which is fine because I can’t actually draw or design things. But I remember crying about my body shape and size. I remember craving sugary things. I know I was stressed and probably depressed. The last two years of school especially were tough for so many reasons and I remember not really going. I remember getting ready to go and then just…not going. I think I blamed a lot of it on period pain, or I lied and said I had study leave and went to my grandparents house instead. This behaviour carried on well into college too where I was separated from my school friends, had broken up with my boyfriend, there was some strain in my relationship with all my parents and it was just a pretty bad time really.

    At 17 and in college. I was working at this point so again my money went on junk food which lead to more frequent binge eating. As well as a lot of underage drinking.

    I don’t think I ever actually realised I was binge eating until many years later. For years I have tried so many diets from weight watchers to slimming world to 16:8 diet, 5:2 diet, slim fast shakes, starve and binge…all to just put the weight back on and then some because deprivation leads to binge eating. Because exercise would be uncomfortable and make me feel judged and self conscious. Binge eating was for me linked to my emotions which I am trying to unravel now but I think now it was also linked to ADHD. I remember going a long time without eating because I would be hyper focusing on something and forgetting to eat which would inevitably lead to a binge when I realised just how hungry I was.

    Over the years this has lead to decreased self confidence, constantly hating and disrespecting my body, self harm and so much guilt and shame over my appearance. This has only gotten worse after having two children and that changing my body shape permanently. I asked for help the same time I asked for an ADHD diagnosis but I am still waiting to see what happens next. One thing I did do which has been hugely beneficial is to stop dieting because I need to fix the relationship I have with food and my body before I even consider what I’m eating. The mentality I have around food needs to change as it’s been in deprivation mode for such a long time. Since stopping dieting, I haven’t put on weight which is a revelation in itself, although I recently wrote how my body image and being anti diet was conflicting particularly as a person drawn to an alternative sense of style but not being able to find clothes easily in my size. I do try and listen better for my hunger cues by stopping when I feel full and trying to eat small and often to prevent the need to binge although I do still struggle with this.

    I’m not sure how much being referred to will help as it’s not particularly for eating disorders but again a focus on loosing weight despite me saying over and over again that I need help to mentally fix my relationship with food rather than being told to lose weight. I have been following and reading from body positive and fat activist people which has helped me stay far away from diets but hasn’t yet got me to a point where I feel confident or comfortable moving my body as often as I would like to and it deserves. I also can’t escape from the fact that for two years we’ve been living with plague and that has stripped down a lot of my confidence, my ability to socialise and interact properly with people and in all fairness the want to do anything other than things that make me happy. I have neglected a lot of myself, my writing, my want to be more physically active and the want to get help just because I have been so drained of energy.

    I think this is something we as a society completely discount when it comes to eating disorders. The fact that they’re often caused my self esteem issues, low self confidence, a need to control something in an uncontrollable world and holding ourselves to unobtainable standards as portrayed in the media. The way that people from poorer backgrounds are more likely to have negative relationships with foods and those on low incomes are more likely to be obese because financial stress is a burden that is tiring to carry around with us. So don’t wait when it comes to seeking help for an eating disorder because as time goes on it only gets worse. Speak to a trusted friend, a GP, or reach out to BEAT. I encourage people to read about body positivity as it’s not just about being fat and loving your fatness but embracing your body and learning to love who you are. Acknowledge emotional eating cues and try and find other ways to satisfy those emotions if you can but reach out. Don’t struggle in silence.

  • The Constant Battle of Hating the Diet Industry and Being Ashamed of my Body

    The Constant Battle of Hating the Diet Industry and Being Ashamed of my Body

    I have been anti-diet for a few years now, prominently during a global pandemic where all coping mechanisms have had to be altered but I’ve also taken issue with the body positive movement which is something I also feel I don’t really belong to. As a result I haven’t gained weight as I was doing. I haven’t regularly weighed myself to try and keep track of the numbers but I know I haven’t done a huge amount to benefit my health either because mentally I just haven’t had the capability to do it.

    Don’t get me wrong the diet industry destroys lives at the cost of billions of pounds and now seems to be trying to appease body positive and fat activists by calling itself ‘wellbeing’ industry. Trying to make it things it cares about your feelings and wants to encourage positive lifestyle changes when really it just wants you to buy its ready meals, pay its slimming club fees and use its apps. It doesn’t care. It hasn’t changed. It’s just rebranded. On the other end of this though I am seeing a lot more personal trainers of all different sizes talking about encouraging movement and trying to be more accessible to all body types, shapes and sizes – which is a great thing. I’m hearing people talk about healthy fat people in a different way, occasionally, although the message that you can be healthy and fat is still perplexing to some.

    Obesity is not a health problem, it’s a class problem with people in poorer areas, from working class families unable to life as healthy lifestyle as someone that has the financial means to buy good, fresh food regularly and has the time to prepare nourishing meals whatever time of day. Delivery courier companies have made fast food more accessible to everyone and when you are feeling low, you don’t have the energy to cook, you can get pretty much whatever you want with a few taps on a screen. There are clear links between poorer households and weight problems, which are caused by a whole multitude of problems. I think after living in a time period of such high stress for the last few years everyone is talking about their covid weight gain. Not to mention we are coming up to Spring so social media is full of ‘get bikini body ready with my xyz product this summer’ advertisements which is just a load of bull – I’ll say it again for the people in the back – every body is a bikini body.

    Kayleigh, who has bright pink hair and is wearing a red dress with a cherry motif, is standing with her son in the lift taking a selfie in the mirror.
    I don’t have a full body mirror in my flat so all I have is this recent photo of me and my son in our building lift.

    Despite knowing all this, despite wanting to be anti diet and wanting to accept my body and make health conscious choices which include nourishing food, joyous movement and doing things that actively reduce stress I still take issue with how I look and feel. I don’t feel happy with my body but being anti-diet makes me think how can I make changes. Not to mention the potentiality for having ADHD which has been linked to binge-eating disorder as its a way to gain a sugar rush or dopamine hit – food that tastes good brings me pleasure therefore I crave it because I need/want the dopamine. My relationship with food is awful. I go through times of binge eating to times of forgetting to eat. High stress levels prevent hunger cues going through to my brain which then stops me functioning properly and affect my mood in other ways. These are all things I know and recognise in myself.

    Then comes the battle of feeling physically sick when I look at my body in the mirror. There are days when I think okay I’m not too fat, I’m not too unattractive, I’m not too big and then I glimpse myself in the mirror and automatically deflate internally when I realise how small my head looks compared to my shoulders. I’m very much an apple shape, small head and shapely limbs but a very round body. I can’t say I have curves because I don’t. I know for so many people the easy answer is to just eat less and move more but it’s not that simple when your relationship with food is so messed up, and when you want to get up and move but your executive dysfunction stops that from happening. I thing one thing I really struggle with is genuinely liking an alternative appearance when it comes to clothing and those websites only offering a size 18, maybe a 20 at a push. So I can’t even dress how I want right now to try and increase my body positivity because those sizes are too small for me.

    These are things I want to actively work on because I know I feel good when I move more. I know I need to respect my body better by feeding it food that will nourish it. I know I don’t want to focus on numbers but I would really like to be in a position to buy clothing I actually like. I want to feel good about my body, I want to respect that I’ve carried two children into the world. I don’t have any health problems that are dramatically affecting me from making better decisions for myself. I also feel like I’m betraying everything about hating the diet industry by admitting I would like to fit into smaller sized clothing. Not to mention, on a somewhat related note, that researching about ADHD has lead to me thinking that a good way to help me be healthier is ready prepared food for the days I don’t have the energy to cook but this causes guilt in an eco-conscious way because it means more plastic, more waste and that in itself causes so much stress.

    The problem here I think is the guilt. I feel guilty for not doing enough, for not fixing enough, for wasting too much, for being anti-diet but wanting to lose weight, for liking food too much…the list is really endless and guilt is for sure a huge problem here. And again, I wonder is this a neurodivergent thing because I feel things so strongly, over such insignificant things that the guilt puts a stumbling block in my path from doing anything at all. These are all things I need and want to work on. I hope with time I can learn to make healthier decisions for myself both for my body and my mental health because living each day in guilt is stressful and I don’t think I can cope with it much longer.

  • First Time Savage Raiding in FFXIV

    First Time Savage Raiding in FFXIV

    Finding the inspiration to write lately has been hard so what better way than to write about the thing I am doing pretty much every day of my life – The critically acclaimed MMO Final Fantasy XIV. Perhaps I should try better to marry my passion for writing and enjoyment of this video game a little more as I might have more to write then. Anyway, I have been playing since May and this game has become more than just a game to me lately, it’s become part of my social life, my weekly routine and, well, something to do that’s just for me. There is a lot to this game that I could talk about actually come to think of it but today I’m going to focus on the current progression route I’m doing which is savage raiding.

    Avalon Lefae – my current MCH glamour

    If you had asked me a few months ago, back towards the end of September if I would be part of a semi-static raid team clearing current savage content I would have 1) asked what a static was and 2) laughed and be confused. I’ve gushed before about the FC I’m in because honestly they are a great bunch of people and the ones that are most frequently online I get on with really well and that started when I joined in farming dragon mounts towards the end of last year. I have been told that during farming The Seat of Sacrifice I became Avalon 2.0 because I started playing the game better after chatting with some of the more experienced players about my rotation. Also that fight taught me a lot about different mechanics and what to pay attention to when. It’s basically when I became a good Machinist. For those that don’t know, I don’t know why you’re reading it, but it’s my preferred job to play and it’s not very complicated. Although, I was making it complicated by constantly pressing the wrong buttons. So that got fixed and then I practised and practised and practised and now I am a slightly more than mediocre machinist.

    Anyway, back in December the new current raid tier Pandaemonium which is kind of like a take on hell. Literally in some ways, with inspiration from Greek mythology, which as someone that loves that kind of stuff, I find it pretty cool. There are currently four Asphodelos circles available, normal mode and, once you’ve completed those, you can unlock the savage raid tiers. This is basically the route you want to take if you currently want best in slot gear and maximum iLevel. Maximum iLevel means maximum power, and that then makes content easier to complete. Because I’ve been doing savage progression and buying new things with the weekly tomes I’ve finally got my MCH to iLevel 591 which you know what feels bloody brilliant.

    Our FC team after clearing the first circle of savage

    We have a static team within the FC and we are currently doing the raids as a group two or three times a week. It is fun but it’s also like banging your head against a wall multiple times and not really being able to reap the rewards because there is no guarantee you will get the clear. But the absolute BEST feeling is getting that clear, finally. Honestly, the battle high you feel afterwards is fantastic, there is nothing like it in a video game when you have been working on completing something for weeks and you get it down. I’m really glad I’m doing it with the people in the FC because we all share that same team spirit and no one makes you feel bad about messing something up which is an experience you get when you’re searching through party finder for progression parties. Having discord is really helpful for me too because I can get a little overwhelmed with having to hit stuff, look elsewhere, move and avoid danger zones all at once. Having voice communication makes it so much nicer and keeps the camaraderie going.

    The first fight took me about three weeks to finally get the first clear but when I did it felt amazing. I think it was actually with a PF group in the end as potentially some of us couldn’t make it. It’s just when you see that HP getting to 3% and below and you know you’ve still got three attacks incoming and you know you’re going to get it the elation rises. We were all thrilled to beat the first savage fight after many, many hours or trying to work out Intemperence and Fourfold Shackles – two mechanics that can very quickly wipe the whole raid team if they get done wrong. I’ve now cleared this fight five times because it has a weekly lockout which means that basically you can clear it once for full rewards, twice for half rewards and anything after that you get nothing. Don’t get me wrong I am sure we will have times where we wipe and do not clear it on the first run, but, we are getting better each time.

    5/8 after having to Party Find and clear P2S

    The second fight we’ve been working on for about three weeks again and I finally got my clear on Sunday which was interesting because I was pretty hungover. It was another party finder group because it was a spur of the moment choice to go in and get it done. I think it was five of the normal team, our two tanks, a healer, me and my tax wife as DPS. The second fight is very different to the first because it feels like you’ve got a big arena but you actually don’t as the whole area feels frequently with water so you end up having a really narrow platform to run around for most of the fight. We have fondly nicknamed some of the mechanics bumper cars, Fake Fundamental Synergy (a reference to Omega 12 Savage – the only other savage fight I’ve cleared), and, safety nipples. The thing is when you have a fight like this that you are progressing through and trying to learn you need to have a bit of a laugh with it or it becomes a little soul destroying. Anyway, first clear for P2S and once again the five of us that were on voice chat with each other, well, you could hear the absolute joy for each other for getting it done. We still need to get the clear for the FC static team and I think we can get it down this week. Of course that means we then have to go into the third circle and that’s a fight I don’t like on normal mode let alone savage. No doubt it will prove to be an interesting next few weeks.