Candyfloss & Dreams

Author: Kat Candyfloss

From Trails in the Sky into Reverie

Spoilers probably (for an incredible series of games that no one should be spoiled on so warning potential stumblers of the internet) because I have no chill and can’t keep my mouth shut. Apart from that one time I knew one thing and didn’t spoil it for exactly one person. Everything else is off the table, unless I’ve forgotten it.

There was no way I could add in the Cold Steel games into the title but this is my current love letter to The Legend of Heroes: Trails series of video games. Over the last 14 months or so I have developed a small obsession with a series of games that started off very innocently enough after a recommendation and has become an all consuming obsession that I can not get enough off. This is largely because there are still a few games out in Japan that haven’t been translated into English and as I can’t read, speak or understand Japanese I am at a loss. The Trails games are story-rich JRPG’s set in a science fantasy world and full of amazing characters that are easy to fall completely in love with. And some are incredibly easy to despise too.

Having funny moments like this helps break up some of the more serious context of the plot which allows for the player to appreciate, enjoy and process the plot in a comfortable pace

When I first played Trails in the Sky in 2022 I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I was sold on the idea of turn based combat and a slower-paced game that required a lot of reading and as Trails in the Sky just so happened to be on sale on steam I went ahead and purchased it. Then Trails in the Sky SC, then 3rd and so on. In July I played the most recent localised game Trails into Reverie and now I am impatiently waiting for Trails Through Daybreak; the English titled name for Kuro no Kiseki (which is not my favourite choice of translation but I’ll have to go with it). I played the three Sky games first, then I think I played Trails from Zero on the Switch before playing Trails of Cold Steel 1 and 2.

I then painstakingly waited (slightly teasing, because I know I haven’t really had to wait that long compared to others that have waited a very, very long time to be able to play these games in English) about three months or so to be able to play Trails to Azure, then finally went back to Cold Steel 3 and 4 and finished with Reverie in the summer. I say finished, if I didn’t miss two treasure chests in one of my playthroughs I would have a platinum trophy right now but alas…I have also played The Legend of Nayuta: Boundless Trails although yet to go through NG+ which has additional information added and is either related to the Trails series or not. I have my suspicions, theories and I have questions, naturally. Whether is is part of the same universe or not it’s certainly a fun and interesting game to play.

What started as a slow burn cozy RPG became something so much more…

Now I sit here with fan theories buzzing in my brain continously fueled by dangerous territory , favourite characters, organizations I don’t understand the motives behind, more questions than answers, spin off games I have made up in my head that I want to see (basically just a game where Ries visits every culinary institution, bakery, cafe and so on to taste test all of the things – she could rock an Instagram account full of food pictures by the way) and an obsession with a world that is truly awe inspiring. This is the type of story craft and world building that makes me so envious yet so inspired. People came up with all of this and have turned it into something that people can discuss and theorize in great detail. The fandom may be small in comparison to other franchises but it is aggressively dedicated. I like that and I like that I am a newbie, but a part of that now too because these games have become treasures.

What started as a super cute and cosy game following these two teenagers adventuring around their kingdom to learn to be Bracer’s and help others in need has become so much more. It’s so easy to forget some of the finer details but the charm of Trails in the Sky with such likeable protagonists in Estelle and Joshua Bright continuing with the series was kind of a no brainer. I find starting new games really difficult because it’s a lot of new information to process, particularly RPG’s which are usually character driven and require learning a lot about the world you’re in. Trails doesn’t shy away from this and there is a lot to learn about the world by reading it all however there was no point I felt completely overwhelmed because it was a slow burn game. The plot development and pace was subtle and interesting. The orbment system was confusing and took me a long time to get into but now I understand it, you can make such strong characters it’s insane.

I intended to pace myself a little more between games because I was a little intimidated going from the 3rd Sky game to Zero with a new cast of characters to learn about and a new city to explore however I found the idea of it being pretty contained within the city of Crossbell and just having four party members helped convince me to try and without a doubt From Zero to Azure is my favourite arc. It sets so much up and made me realise just how much more there is to these games, particularly Azure. Because it was smaller and more self contained you get to really know the characters. Tio and Randy had so many laugh out loud moments but there were some heavy hitting themes too. Plus it introduced me to the wonders of the cast Avalon Gate and that became my favourite AOE heavy hitting spell from there on, which didn’t continue in later games which is very sad for me.

So many characters have depth to their back stories making it hard to choose just one favourite

Sky 3rd follows a hare’s breath behind if not on par with Zero/Azure if not for the unique style of play but for just how tragic and heavy it is. Having to traverse the literal abyss to find the truth behind my favourite character’s (Renne) backstory was an emotional task in itself because I already knew I was going to cry and just hate what I was about to see. Not to mention the protagonist of 3rd, Kevin, also has to deal with some incredibly hard moments and reading about why he is the way he is and what happened to him completely broke my heart.

Renne may be my favourite character and for very good reason because she is excellent but Kevin and Ries are without a doubt my favourite duo, or couple, I guess it’s hard to see one without the other now but their relationship genuinely is like no other. There is nothing outwardly romantic between the two, everything is really subtle because that isn’t the point of 3rd but some of the moments between the two are really intimate. It’s hard to describe fully, other than saying its just more between the two of them. I think it’s because of the content of 3rd being as hard hitting as it is and the shared trauma Ries and Kevin have over Rufina that makes it that way but I truly could not see them as anything but Ries and Kevin. Like, there is no one without the other. Ries literally jumps into hell, sword over her head ready to fight whatever Gehenna has to throw at her and she will stay and fight for as long as she can. She has a lot of those big impulsive moments that don’t always go in her favour but with both of them together they are just wonderful.

That being said Estelle and Joshua too go through quite the ordeal but have a very different dynamic and seeing that really flourish through the Trails games and then continuing to see them grow in later games is something really special. Estelle Bright is an amazing character to experience the Trails universe in because you learn things through her. She’s completely sheltered in her small hometown in a relatively small kingdom and exploring with her not only shows you just what a resilient character she is but also her reactions as she learns things about the world echo that much louder because you, the player, react the same way instinctively. At least I did because I had many ‘what is going on here’ moments which became more and more frequent as I carried on.

There was something really quite lovely about seeing Estelle search for the Bug of Legends to try and cheer Joshua up in the only way a small child could. Her resilience to keep going and to make sure it was the best bug, legendary even, as that was the only one that would clearly do. She never looses that charm about her and with everything she learns, her entire world opening up, she continues forward with such drive and determination. It’s inspiring and even more exciting to see in a female protagonist. Joshua never takes the spotlight from her despite him having things that make you curious and a heartbreaking enough backstory but they both shine individually as well as together.

I feel like I’ve not really given much time to the Trails of Cold Steel games and it isn’t because I dislike that arc. It has some of the most shocking and intense moments, introduces more fantastic characters and finally gives the player a chance to see Erebonia, a country you’ve been hearing about from the start. That’s what these games do best, plant tiny seeds early on and then develop them, give you bits of their history, so that when you are actually playing as people of Erebonia it kind of flips what you’ve learned on its head a little bit. You kind of thing of it pretty badly but then you see how the people of Erebonia’s lives have been enriched by the drastic, harsh and quite cruel methods of chancellor Osborne but it was all for a reason and getting to that point, learning what it was all for, certainly took its time but for me it was worth it.

The Cold Steel games play differently to the others and have that kind of life sim attribute to it of strengthening relationships with class mates in your free time. The difficultly I found was having so many people I wanted to get to know and learn about and having to choose between them kind of took away from the game a little bit. Not enough that I didn’t care or didn’t enjoy it but enough that I felt there were characters I wasn’t interested in getting to know and so later on some of the plot based decisions, conversations and dialogue felt a bit strange. I did however find many characters I really loved in all four games. Beryl for one, despite not being a main cast character is an enigma no one can figure out. She knows all kinds of things she shouldn’t and if only we’d been able to spend more time with her we could have reached Peak Beryl but earlier on…

Trails into Reverie was a pretty interesting game to play in the summer and one I had a lot of fun with. Bringing most of the characters together in one game and being able to create your own ‘dream team’ was really fun. Reverie, in a similar way to Sky 3rd has it’s own unique plot alongside a whole series of mini games and The Reverie Corridor dungeon to explore. One detail I really loved in the latter part of the game, or perhaps even NG+ was unlocking little character scenes and sequences in the Reverie Corridor after certain fights or conditions had been met. After battle you’d get a little scene between characters that was just a little cute victory thing but these added more detail to that and had for some real fun moments. Renne, Nadia and Musse couldn’t resist winding up Towa in this one in particular.

It’s so difficult to sum up everything I feel in a way that is both coherent and does this series justice that isn’t inconceivable squealing. Each game has kept me thoroughly engaged with the story and the characters, developing the world and the plot with each installment. They are unlike anything I’ve ever played before.

December 14, 2023
Replaying FF7R in anticipation for FF7 Rebirth

It’s no secret that Final Fantasy is one of my favourite franchises (lets not talk about FF16 right now though, I currently have no desire to finish it) and I wrote a few years ago now about my experience playing FF7R when it first released on PS4. Fresh information has been streaming through about the highly anticipated FF7 Rebirth coming in February 2024 so I thought not would be an excellent time to refresh my memory on the gameplay of FF7R and finally get around to completing the Intermission Yuffie episode. I’ve still got Crisis Core Reunion to play and with no knowledge of Crisis Core whatsoever I feel I need to give that the attention it deserves to be completely up to date with everything and ready for whatever FF7 Rebirth throws at me.

Spending dedicated one-on-one time with most party members really helps you get to know them as you play FF7R.

I’ve played through the game again and it’s brought back many treasured memories of the countless replays of the original and the amount of times I did actually play through FF7R on the PS4 and then again on the PS5 when I got that version for free. I did quickly become pretty engrossed with FF14 not long after getting the PS5 though so everything kind of got put on the back burner. Now I’m kinda waiting for Dawntrial and have played through several Trails games I thought revisiting FF7R to get caught up again would help reinvigorate my excitement for the release of Rebirth in February. And I am SO excited for that game.

I’ve now completed FF7R again on PS5 and will be taking advantage of the chapter selection mode that becomes available after completing the game for the first time to grab a few more PS5 trophies. I’m halfway through the Yuffie episode too and have Crisis Core Reunion ready to go after that. I feel a lot better knowing what I do know about FF7 Rebirth and that the second installment of the games is going to take us exploring all the way through to The Forgotten City. The announcement trailer showed some of the Weapons which look glorious as I knew they would. Fighting them in FF7 was a pretty spectacular moment, and the sidequest in FF14 showing the Weapons (and getting small PTSD after my first EX trial in FF14) and getting to fight them alongside friends was a cool moment. I can’t wait to see how the Weapons will be utilised in FF7R whether that’s in Rebirth or the installment that follows. If we are keeping the R theme will it be FF7 Revelations or something?

Ah Reno – the character that taught me I have a thing for red haired, snarky, JRPG men… *sigh*

FF7R made me cry, again, probably. I’m sure I cried many times the first time I played it both from the overwhelm of finally getting it in my hands to all those beautifully harrowing moments that caught my attention the first time around. I have come to realize in this playthrough just how much I love each and every character in FF7’s world. People are always pitting Tifa and Aerith against each other for being the ‘better’ female lead but I felt a real strong sense of sisterhood between the two of them. I loved that. I love Tifa’s strength and quiet resolve, I love Aerith for her compassion, kindness and optimism. They are both fantastic characters. Playing as Yuffie for the first time reminded me just how much I love her character in FF7. I ALWAYS did everything I could to get her as a party member early on in the original game to have her for as long as possible. She’s cute, angry, small and clumsy – everything I love in her archetype of character and I can not wait to see how she slots in with the rest of the FF7R characters.

I’m really looking forward to the introduction of other characters and party members through FF7 Rebirth

I haven’t finished the intermission episode yet but Yuffie and Sonon’s relationship at this point has had my laughing. Yuffie is exactly the sort of character I love to play; completely chaotic but with a good heart and doing things with what she believes to be the best intentions. You already get a glimpse of the strained relationship she has with her dad who a lot of people respect. She’s got a bright and sunny disposition and she fights like a complete badass. Strong Estelle Bright energy – an unrelated female protagonist from Trails in the Sky but that lovable hotheaded chaotic energy is exactly the sort of female character I love. Yuffie is going to bring some great energy and interactions in Rebirth. Sonon balances her character pretty well although seems to have taken the ‘big brother’ role and whilst he kind of goes along with what Yuffie is doing and saying he’s also very much muttering ‘why me’ along the way.

Replaying FF7R and reminding myself how weapons upgrade and how to use things like materia and summons alongside remembering that each party member has a unique style to their fighting gets me excited for FF7 Rebirth and the party compositions and synergised attacks to come. I’m really excited to get all the party members together and really see how the grow and develop together in this new version of Final Fantasy 7. Despite my initial reservations about the game being solely based in Midgar that doesn’t mean it’s lacking in depth or emotive story topics. The development and expansion of the starting city really deserves credit because even though some areas of the game do feel a little bit tedious, they are still done well. Playing FF7R again I knew I wasn’t excited about going through the Sewers and then the Train Graveyard again but since playing I have come to realize part of the reason I didn’t enjoy them is because you are at such a rush to get back to base at that point and it sort of feels like you’re blocked.

My replay of FF7R was enjoyable, emotional and has certainly got me hyped up for the next installment in February.

December 7, 2023
My Struggle with ADHD/ASD Diagnosis

Trigger warning: Suicidal thoughts, self harm and very poor mental health.

I have always spoken about my struggles with my mental health and wellbeing on this blog so it is of no surprise I’m sure to any regular reader that I suffer with anxiety and depression. I’ve been in denial about depression previously but I think I finally understand what that looks like for me now. I’ve also talked about wanting a diagnosis for ADHD and coming away with a double diagnosis of ‘textbook’ ADHD and Autism Spectrum Disorder. I have been trying to process that for the last year or so now and I don’t think I’ve really been able to or at least, having suffered with my mental health since my teens this has affected my ability to process such a diagnosis. Despite the struggles, despite how hard it has been I needed this diagnosis. It is validating to know that some of the things that I have struggled with all my life are because my brain is different and not just because I am the weird, quirky one.

Writing about my difficulties as well as my celebrations and happy occasions like getting our pet cat who I love so very much has always been important to me. I don’t like putting it out there that my life is some sort of fantasy dream of a person that had a lot of holidays and purchased a lot of candles. From the start of this blog so many years ago my intention was to share something real in the hope that someone would find it and read it and feel like they were understood by someone else. That someone got what they were struggling with. That they could reach out to someone that kind of got what they were going through even if it was different or for other reasons. I have always been someone that wants to help other people in ways I don’t feel like I am or have been helped. Perhaps, some of that comes from wanting to people please because I know I do that as well but knowing that this is me putting out there and not knowing who it might help in some small way kind of takes the people pleasing away. I’m not writing this to be liked by someone, to impress them, to try and provide value to someone else. I am writing this because writing it feels helpful to me. It may only ever be read by regular readers who already know my difficulties but on the off chance that it could give someone, something then it feels like it’s worth doing and worth saying.

There isn’t all that much help directly for ADHD and being autistic and I have tried seeking help with the other things, tried anti depressants and anti anxiety meds. I am too a victim of the current medication shortage and so have been a few weeks without my correct dosage of ADHD meds which is another thing I need to chase my doctor and pharmacy about but I just can’t. I would really benefit from proper therapy I think. Not just CBT to change behaviours but someone to actually help me work through the depression and anxiety I’ve struggled with long before I was diagnosed but most likely have suffered with because of having a neurodivergent brain. I am someone that is traumatized and that is what I need help with more than anything – recovery from trauma and learning to listen to my needs and respond to those rather than responding to other peoples needs.

Right now, I am severely depressed and stressed with my life. I feel like I am in a constant state of fight, flight or freeze with the latter being my near constant state of existing. Honestly this all started with the pandemic, with my blog work kind of stopping and being in such a weird place in history and I’ve never been able to pick myself back up. I never really considered my depression was as bad as to be suicidal and I never really understood why someone would feel like that until now. Because I do feel like that. I feel like things would be better if I wasn’t around. This is not a subject that should shock people that know me because I have said this. I have spoken to my GP. I have reached out to find support but constantly having to chase help, chase waiting lists, chase pharmacies for medication, constantly trying over and over and over again has exhausted me. I just can’t do it any more. I can’t keep telling people the same things because nothing has changed and to be met with ‘just ask for help’ – because I am sick of asking and waiting and asking and waiting.

I think the only thing that stops me from acting on any suicidal thoughts right now is the fact that I could not traumatize my children that way for the rest of their lives. I already feel like a burden to most people and I just do not want to make their existence, their potential mental health issues, be because I unalived myself. That isn’t noble though, it’s not some big gesture to make me think look how great I am for not doing that. And the thoughts are never of the ‘how’ but just of the ‘if I wasn’t here things would be better for others’. Although in spite all of that, in spite of the intrusive thoughts, I don’t want to die. I want things to get better. I really do have some small ember of hope smoldering away inside me somewhere desperately wanting things to be better but I don’t know how and I am so overwhelmed with having to do the things that might improve things.

That is the reality of my life I am coming to terms with the fact that I am unwell and now ‘classed’ as disabled. Whilst there are things I am hopeful and sure will get better in the future at some point there is a large part of me trying to come to terms with the fact that because I am autistic and have ADHD there is only so much I can do that will change. I admire the people that have been able to use their diagnosis to get to know themselves so much better and make things better for themselves but I wonder how they have the energy to do it because I don’t. And that in itself makes everything feel worse because in a world where I have constantly asked myself ‘why can’t I do that to’ and know having the answer to that question – because I am autistic, because my brain does things differently – and the people I know that are also autistic or have ADHD do look like they are managing. So again, why can’t I? I am not saying that they don’t have their demons or struggles or difficulties because I know that they do but for something that makes you constantly want to fit in, or people please, or compare yourself to others it certainly makes everything feel so overwhelming.

I know suicidal thoughts and acts are more common with neurodivergent people. I know the life expectancy of someone with ADHD is around 15 years less than the average person probably because like me they face burnout and stress so early on in their life and living with it for so long is traumatizing. I know that if I could just take some rest from my life and responsibilities and have the time to actually focus on getting better I probably could but I can’t. I have considered looking into being a voluntary inpatient at a mental health hospital but I don’t have anyone to look after my children for an undecided amount of time. I feel like everything is against me, including my own brain and body most days. So I feel stuck in this space of not being able to help myself and not being able to escape any of it and it fills me with such strong guilt, shame and self loathing.

As a result of feeling so burnt out I am exhausted all of the time. I hate having to leave the house and the things that used to bring me joy and comfort no longer do. As a way to cope with loneliness during the pandemics initial lockdown I started playng an MMO which for a long time helped me meet people and talk to people and gave me something to focus on. I was reading so many wonderful stories and talking to people about the books they loved. I was collecting things that made me happy but now all of that just feels like it is too much. I struggle with household chores and being the only one that really does any. I struggle getting out of bed and just going to the living room sometimes in a flat I have lived in for such a long time now that it too makes me miserable. The lack of space, the bed sharing and cosleeping with my son, not having any space to myself, constantly clearing up after four people, parenting a teenager and a primary school aged child comes with its own challenges. The lack of money or the fact that the money I do have just goes. The debt I have built up and trying to get under control. Having to remember every week to bid on a house to move and forgetting. Bills to pay that aren’t set up by direct debits. Knowing I need a new energy key but not wanting to call because I don’t want to talk on the phone but my emails going unanswered. The fact that the post is about three weeks behind here for some reason so even if a key had been sent I have no way of knowing when it will turn up. The school admin stuff that for some reason isn’t working for my phone number so I was late booking my son’s nativity show places.

I feel useless and incompetent. I feel stupid. I feel like I am just so completely worthless all of the time. I don’t feel respected or liked by many people because I find friendships so difficult to maintain. I hardly have any conversations that are positive because I am always moaning about something and the discussions that happen at home are because I’m stressed. I feel like a burden because I just keep repeating myself with what I need help with and I feel like no one cares and no one listens. Or they listen and they offer help but the reality is I don’t want to ask anymore. I want people to see the mess and say ‘I can fix this’ and just do it. I don’t want to delegate and write lists about what needs doing and what dates need remembering and what budgeting needs considering and having to bid on houses or remember to pay bills. I want someone to just take care of some of those things so I don’t have to because it is killing me. I feel like all of this is so silly to get worked up over, that normal people just manage to do it and I don’t.

It is cathartic at least to be able to put this somewhere and get it out of my head and onto something else. Looking at it it and reading through it is ugly and harsh and frustrating because it is my life. I so wish I could write something joyous and wonderful but that would simply be a lie. Life right now, is anything but wonderful. Admitting that feels like showing just how weak and vulnerable I am. However in all of this, I am only one person that is overwhelmed and frustrated trying to navigate through the day in a time that is so desperately hard to keep going. And despite all of this, I still do have some semblance of hope. I still love people. I still have a desire to stick around. I am tired. I am sad. But one day, I will be better and one day I will not feel worthless.

November 26, 2023
Two years playing FFXIV as Avalon Lefae

I first starting playing FFXIV in May 2021 so technically it’s been over two years since I began and my character has been through a fair amount of changes during that time. I have been through a fair amount of changes in that time in my personal life as well so it’s been kind of a mixed bag. FFXIV was never a game I was really interested but being one of the lucky few to manage to secure getting a PS5 back then and in the midst of a global pandemic I thought it would be a good idea to try.

I’ve written a few blog posts on my time playing FFXIV because in those two years this game has taken up a huge portion of my life. I’ve tried to do a lot of things from doing the obvious main scenario quests to joining FC’s to housing, crafting and raiding. Some of that has been more successful than others. The biggest difference was someone like me, a usually solo gamer that had a lot of love for other Final Fantasy games, trying to play an MMORPG. The social aspect of the game was daunting enough for me to google ‘how much can I solo whilst playing FFXIV’ and it turns out quite a lot.

Playing FFXIV as a Sprout on Louisoix

I had no idea why I ended up on Louisoix as my server of choice but I am glad that I did because it’s what has allowed me to make the friends I have made whilst playing FFXIV. Originally thinking I wanted to play as a Viera because of Fran from FFXII and finding a very limited amount of hairstyles actually lead me to creating my character as a maximum height AuRa because they looked like small dragons. She had pink hair and my starting job as an arcanist dictated my starting city as Limsa Lominsa which I have since learned has a reputation for being a place for a lot of very interesting conversations.

I knew absolutely nothing about this game at all. I was playing FFXIV on console and found the controls to be confusing. I didn’t know how to access other parts of my UI – the chat box for one – and I didn’t really know what to do. This lead to me basically opening up a lot of quests at once and becoming very overwhelmed. I thought why not try and level my character out in the wilds of La Noscea when I was quested with killing some ladybirds for my job role quest but didn’t understand how job specific abilities worked for a long time and instead would just press ‘square’ and then ‘attack’. Auto-attack damage in this game is not very good, your abilities actually make quite a difference I have since found out.

I remember one morning at about 11am I was trying to enter the first dungeon which, at the time, didn’t have duty support and I had absolutely no luck getting in to it as an arcanist DPS player. So I once again turned to google of which the answer to beating dungeon queue’s was to do so as a tank or a healer. Healing still to this day does not appeal to me and so my option was left to tank. More googling leads to ‘Marauder’ is a tank class in FFXIV which also started in Limsa Lominsa so I went back and I picked up that job and I decided okay well I guess back to levelling again which meant back to killing ladybirds. Although, not auto attacking. I did thankfully do that with my abilities.

Tanking gets you into dungeons faster but maybe learn what that means first…

I will say right now, as a non-sprout and official holder of a burger king mentor crown that I am in August 2023 a fairly competent tank. I say this because potentially some of the below will instill fear and terror as you read what I was like and that I truly understand to my very core what Tankxiety is like when playing FFXIV. I know what it is like to be put off tanking and I feel like I should offer some reassurance that, whilst I make mistakes plenty of times, I am now confident enough to tank most content in this game, that I did get better. We all, however, start somewhere and this is how my decision to beat dungeon queue’s didn’t go as well as I would have liked at first.

My knowledge of being a ‘tank’ class was literally they have more defense than others. It wasn’t ‘I should be leading the charge’ in a dungeon and taking all of the damage and excuse me but what the fuck is emnity and why do I want it? Did I do the ‘hall of novice’ quests before attempting any dungeons? No…absolutely not. I didn’t even have half of my abilities because I didn’t know they were locked behind job quests until I eventually went back to them towards the end of A Realm Reborn were I was well over level 40. I even did the unthinkable shame inducing thing of entering a dungeon without having my jobstone saved on my gearset.

There were, I think, three very specific occasions that taught me to be a better tank on my then chosen main class which started as Marauder and then specialises into Warrior at level 30. The first was the gauntlet for any sprout tank or healer known as Aurum Vale in which some very kind and helpful player literally told me how to use tank stance and what I was supposed to do as a tank in a non condescending way. The second actually was one of the things that lead me to stop playing the job and seriously looking for a DPS class to change to instead and that was being told how stupid I was for using Holmgang at the start of the fight. To which, yes, it is retrospectively a stupid thing to do. Because what I was doing was just pressing ALL my mitigation buttons on cooldown. That was, indeed, not correct.

The third occasion was when I was finally confident enough to learn how to play Warrior properly and try again after finishing the MSQ at level 80 and going on to play my favoured and main job now, Machinist -which has become a running joke to myself really I do play well enough to sometimes steal enmity and thus, tank without any of those defensive buffs, or if a tank dies, I am often high enough on the enmity list to be the next one to unintentionally provoke the boss. Anyway, the third occasion was what I fondly think of as a Warrior masterclass from someone in my free company at the time that did actually know what they were doing and spent a good portion of an afternoon helping me.

Speaking of joining a Free Company…

I have now been in four free companies since I started playing FFXIV. The first one I was in for well over a year, if not around 14 months after a randomly thrown invite way back in my ARR days. I remember accepting the invite and then seeing welcome messages popping up in the chat box which before then had been silent and kind of ignored so I didn’t know how to type in it and didn’t really ever say anything but did start seeing the same names creep up often enough that I began to get a sense of familiarity. Eventually, I think about two weeks later, I accidentally pressed the gamepad button on my controller which did get me into the chat box and I saw I was able to bring up a keyboard and did say hello and explained that I didn’t know how before and which probably made me come across very scatterbrained.

I used many a wrong abbreviation for things when I thought people were talking about things but they actually weren’t. One occasion being asking for help with DR – because I thought that meant ‘duty roulette’ not ‘Delebrum Reginae’ which is something that was relevant at the time and something people did weekly that I didn’t know about or even have unlocked. Three people agreed but it wasn’t until it clicked with someone that I wasn’t asking for actual DR content who explained to me what delebrum reginae actually was. Two of those people did stick with me and do a levelling dungeon because I was trying to get my machinist levelled enough to carry on with the main scenario quests at that point. The other person promptly left which is completely understandable but did leave me feeling pretty embarrassed.

There were several other occasions like this. I was eager to do a lot of content and events that the Free Company I was in put up but I didn’t really know how to be a competent player. I didn’t know how to play my jobs. I had not, in fact, read my tool tips. I think my incompetence but willing to join in kind of nature sort of gave people the impression that I was a bit ditzy and maybe even made people feel a bit sorry for me. The thing is at the time I didn’t know I was doing the wrong things and when someone did tell me I was horribly mortified. Eventually though I learned a lot from the first free company I was in and I did a lot of fun things.

I did current level extreme trials and I was there experiencing all the hype with everyone during Endwalker’s release. I made friends, I attended in game weddings, I was invited to social events and in game parties. I had my own in game wedding too, which was a lot of fun. My friend and I decided to gift everyone with Morbol Seedlings which involved us chasing people around the chapel to give them something no one wanted. I was able to get my first taste of savage raiding with an FC static and I will tell you savage is an entirely different ball game to other content in FFXIV. I even lead my own events as an experienced player to help other people get clears on particular content.

Leaving an FC can be a really hard thing to do…

In the end, however, I did decide to move on from that Free Company. Initially I didn’t have much of a desire to join another as by that point I had joined a different static to do savage raiding with and I was kind of content to have some time away from an FC. However, one day out in the wild I was approached by another FC leader and did decide to give it a go. I am in that free company now and have been for some months but in the interim between joining last October and now I did end up changing servers and being part of my statics FC on Spriggan for a month. I then came back with the desire to start my own FC with some friends but it just wasn’t really the right thing for me to do.

I still have that FC on my Alt so I do get to learn how to do FC workshop stuff and still have everything set up so if we decided to give it another go in the future we could do. However I ended up returning to the Free Company I am part of now and an officer in so I have a level of responsibility and do get to join in and put on my own events.

…But I hope I’ve made some lifelong friends

There are people I speak to on a very regular basis and feel I’ve got to know well. As someone that was incredibly nervous about the social aspect when it came to playing FFXIV I’m glad I have tried to make friends. What may have started as helping out over time became gradually getting to know others better and in some cases has given me a chance to find other games through recommendations. It’s been fun just hanging out in game and showing off glamour to each other, it’s been nice to just have a chat amongst the content.

So what now?

I remember the launch up towards Endwalker really fondly and reading about everyone’s theories and excitement gave me a real buzz as a first time experiencing an expansion release. With FFXIV Dawntrail now being confirmed as releasing in Summer 2024 I do feel like it would be good tidy up a few things and step back a little so I can come back into the expansion feeling a lot less burned out. I wasn’t expecting such an emotional ride both in terms of gameplay and friendships. I wasn’t really expecting any form of personal development either which probably came alongside my Autism and ADHD diagnosis alongside the friends I’ve made who have been there for me.

So for now I’m going to step back from doing savage raiding and focus on the Endwalker extremes, a little bit of older relic farming and finally getting my Master Culinarian achievement.

August 17, 2023
Titles have never been my forte

I have wanted to write something in such a long time yet this website has remained largely unmanaged for a while now and it’s a shame. I remember once going through and looking for blogs and writers I used to follow only to find they were no longer writing and I would hope that wouldn’t be the case for me. So many times I’ve said ‘this is just a hiatus’ or that regular posting would resume soon but I really don’t know when that will be. All I know is right now I need to write something for me.

I have always loved and wanted to write. I have written poetry and song lyrics and followed creative writing prompts. I have sketched out my favourite quotes, I have highlighted pages in (digital) books full of words that give me some kind of meaning, something to hope for perhaps. I have started so many stories. I will always aspire to be that fantasy fiction writer. My words here might not be beautiful or clever but I hope they hold meaning. I have always wanted to write with the goal of helping someone get through something that feels a little bit hard. Because writing when I have been in pain has been so cathartic.

That is where I am right now. I am in pain. And I am so very tired of it.

“We do not get to choose when in our lives we feel pain,” said Matthew. “It comes when it comes, and we try to remember, even though we cannot imagine a day when it will release its hold on us, that all pain fades. All misery passes. Humanity is drawn to light, not darkness.”
Matthew Fairchild, Chain of Gold by Cassandra Clare

I feel like a shell of the person I thought I was. I feel like I am completely lacking in my own personality and living without a sense of identity. I feel like I have spent so many years building up various personas to wear in front of every person I know and each one of those masks is just a piece of my spirit I’ve cut away from myself. Now I’m left with these scattered paper thin, crumpled pieces of me with nothing left to stitch them back together. I feel incomplete and disconnected from everything. I feel both too much and not enough at the same time.

I want to believe that this too shall pass, one day. That things will again feel lighter and brighter. That I will have something back that defines me, that I can be proud of. But I have spent so many years thinking one day things will be better, or easier and that I should only struggle a little while longer. I am so tired of struggling and fighting every day to be liked, to be accepted, to feel valued or appreciated. I am so worn down from years of not fitting in, of being the weird one, of questioning what is wrong with me.

“…all the tears women shed, they leave no mark on the world…”
The Mists of Avalon, Marion Zimmer Bradley

Enough to ask for a diagnosis for ADHD and Autism which I received in the last few months of 2022. There is nothing wrong with being autistic, or, in my case AuDHD as I have seen it put for a combined diagnosis of the two. There is, however, something wrong with living as long as I have, not knowing, and struggling with so many things. With thinking I’ll grow out of these behaviours. With thinking I can’t be a real ‘adult’ because I can’t cope with so many basic things normal adults can.

I am incredibly grateful to have had these diagnosis but it hasn’t really changed much. The ADHD meds are helping with some things, yes, certainly impulse control at least but everything else is still up to me to fix and cope with. To learn new ways to ‘unmask’ and to cater to my own boundaries and my own needs but how I am supposed to do that? I am so tired of having to justify and explain why things need to be a certain way or why I need to rest after a social occasion even if it’s one I’m looking forward to. I’m so tired of panic rushing to look for headphones before going shopping because listening to heavy metal blasting in my ears makes it easier to deal with the people, the too bright white lights, the constant changing placements of food I regularly buy and the grating noise of voiceovers and checkout beeps and conversation.

The embarrassment of having to explain that I have to wear socks in *every* situation because ‘sheets on bare skin make me feel a bit weird’ – read, actually causes me pain if it’s cotton. Feeling so stupid for zoning out of a conversation and having to ask someone to repeat themselves multiple times because ‘sorry I wasn’t listening’ when my inner monologue was screaming at me about something I’d forgotten but refuse to tell me what. All the times I have interrupted my way into a conversation to be told to be quiet, to wait my turn, how rude I am, when all I wanted was to remain relevant. It’s left me with this crippling anxiety for being ignored with leaves me feeling like I am the most awful person.

“She waited to change, and I waited to change, and we both wanted what we couldn’t have.”
Shiver, Maggie Stiefvater

I know I have no choice but to continue trying to live. To continue clawing my way through life with broken bloody nails if I have to. I do not know what the future holds. I don’t know how I’m going to cope and manage but I hope I find a way through this. I feel that is at least one, small redeeming thing about me is that I do still have a slither of hope left that one day things will be not so full of pain and struggle. I think right now it’s too much for me to ask myself to be happy when what I really wish for is ‘okay’.

The last few years where I’ve pulled back from writing and engaging with friends I’ve met through this web space I have been escaping into books and video games which have helped keep my mind occupied from my own thoughts for some time. Thankfully I have also met some people through those hobbies or interests some of which have become very dear friends who I have tried to be my most honest self in front of and haven’t been immediately rejected for that despite, I’m sure, at times being a little strange and difficult to tolerate. It is, I think, the bonds we make through pain and suffering that lead to finding some solace and not feeling quite so alone in the darkest of moments. It’s just really very sad that we have to suffer and struggle alongside each other.

I’m not going to go back over and edit this but I have exhausted myself in writing this down. I feel a little less cluttered in my mind for letting the words, and tears, come out onto this page. With added book quotes for good measure because sourcing photos for this seems like a process I can’t do right now. The thing is I’m just proud of myself for writing something. It may be messy and probably full of mistakes but it helped.

July 26, 2023