Candyfloss & Dreams

Category: Mental Health

School Refusal is Stressful

I’m going to preface this right now with homeschool is not an option for me. As an AuDHD person that attempted a form of Crisis Schooling when schools closed it was equally as stressful as trying to convince a school refuser to attend school. I lack the mental energy from complete burnout to try and creatively think of ways to ‘unschool’ or come up with some kind of learning. I can’t drive which limits places we can go for educational reasons, I am completely broke which is another limitation as even the free places that might be suitable I can’t afford the public transport to go to. My teen doesn’t want to go to any form of groups or engage with other people which is another limitation. We live in a small two bedroom flat, I hardly sleep because I share a room with a five year old and we have no where I can even set up a quiet and creative space to foster learning. I have chronic health issues including fatigue and pain which are even more limitations. The list goes on. I can’t do it and I can’t pay someone else to do it for me. I really admire families that can do it and make the most of the amazing resources that are there but I can’t.

Right now I am desperately trying to figure out what more I can do to help but I am living in such a high state of stress and anxiety that my brain just isn’t functioning anymore. The phonecalls, the meetings, the constant fighting to get my teen to attend school, chasing camhs, doctors appointments, referrals for counselling, referrals for parenting courses, doing the courses and learning stuff and trying to incorporate that into our lives and my teen not consistently sticking to the things we set out. The late night phone calls asking where she is because she stops communicating, or because her phone has run out of battery, or she’s broken another phone, or she’s lost it, or run out of data. The police getting involved because of the amount of times in the last six months I’ve had to call them because I don’t know where she is. The literal begging for addresses, for parents phone numbers, for friends phone numbers being met with accusations and violence and refusal. Having a rejected EHCP despite low attendance, despite self harm, despite an overdose, despite waiting lists for ADHD and Autism and a family connection. Having a family support worker who actually has been really wonderful but has come at a stage where I am already at a complete loss, burned out and so damn depressed with my own life that I just don’t have the energy to keep fighting this.

That’s what it is, a fight with a broken system. A system that doesn’t care about the wellbeing of young people, but only cares about adhering to uniform policy and high attendance. With the threat of fines and prosecution because of low attendance. I am constantly fighting for my daughter to access education but with a school that won’t offer alterative provision and with a daughter that is emotionally dysregulated and just won’t engage with anything that is offered or set out. I don’t know what else I can do. I don’t think there is anything else I can do. No one in this household is happy or well from this level of constant stress but no one is offering any solutions to fix it. It’s just “you need to get her to school” okay but how? How do I do that with a 14 year old that is almost as tall as me, physically strong and will lash out? How am I supposed to get someone to engage when they completely refuse?

We’ve had three days of school for the autumn term, but had an authorised absence for counselling one morning and now the refusal has begun because she got up late and that set off her anxiety about getting there on time so she’s just staying in bed. School will say oh she had a great start but for here it wasn’t a great start, it was every morning full of stress and anxiety of ‘will she be going in or will she go missing?’ or ‘what will I have to fight today’ and promises which feel like bribes just to convince her to go. I’m not coping with any of this well and I honestly don’t know how to live through it. I start counselling myself on Friday with a therapist that is neurodivergent and has experience professionally and personally with school refusal. We are having another camhs assessment for trauma pathway tomorrow morning and have a meeting scheduled with the school later this week.

One day at a time.

September 9, 2024
Waiting Mode

It’s a pretty coming trait amongst ADHDers to have time blindness. The concept of time is unfathomable to me. I sit here writing this having already procrastinated and distracted myself from writing this post several times, knowing I need to be ready to leave the house at 9.10am this morning, knowing how long it takes me to get ready so I’ve given myself enough time to sort my stuff out. Morning appointments are absolutely better for me, providing I’ve woken up at a reasonable time, because they feel like they pass faster. If I have to leave the house at 9.10 then I will have more than enough time to get ready if I shut down this computer at 8am. That gives me just over an hour to do hair, makeup, clothes, get Felix ready and be on time in theory. The reality is I will either underestimate how long I need for all that and be waiting impatiently for twenty minutes ready to go and not being able to or I will be running late. There is no such thing as on time in the world of ADHD.

Morning Waiting Mode is never really that bad because it’s always kind of a rush to get out the door for 8.10am (it’s usually closer to 8.20am) because I have more things to do. Afternoon waiting mode is incredibly frustrating because I spend the entire day waiting for the appointment, clockwatching, flitting between doing stuff to try and pass the time but not being able to really commit or focus on anything other than clockwatching simply because I have the absolute FEAR of being late so I am obnoxiously early for most things.

Then comes waiting mode for something releasing, like a video game, like say, FF7 Rebirth…a sequel to a game that came out four years ago. A game that is a remake of not just my favourite Final Fantasy game but probably my favourite game of all time. Something I am equally excited and anxious for. Something I am hopeful will surpass all expectations. Something I have obsessed over since the PS3 tech demo and the 2015 confirmation that FF7 Remake was being done. Something I have waited a very long time for. I know I can predownload the game in a couple of days, I’ve played the demo and experienced all that had to offer, I’ve replayed FF7 Remake to familiarise myself with the story and gameplay. I’ve played and completed Crisis Core for the first time to make sure I was fully up to date with everything I could be from Zack’s point of view. The thing is I did all of this in the coming months to FF7 Rebirth coming out knowing the release date would be 29th February. I have been excited and keeping busy for what should be the shortest month of the year, has felt like the longest and it’s not even over yet. I am literally days away from finally playing this game and yet I am stuck in this perpetual waiting mode because my stupid brain can not think of anything else to focus on.

There is all of this talk on how neurospicy people hyperfocus and it’s true, we do, but we don’t control the hyperfocus, it controls us. There are times when it works it’s absolute magic, when I have been able to read through huge books in a day, where I’ve got so much housework or paid work done in a short space of time because I can just zone in and get it done. When you are hyperfocused on something but you literally can not do anything it is brain breaking. I am fidgeting, restless, I can’t sleep properly, I can’t play other games because I’m getting annoyed with them too fast, I can’t read because I can’t focus. I can not force myself to focus on anything else right now. I am simply stuck, waiting until 9.15am on Thursday so I can play my little video game like the fangirl I am. I joke, slightly, at that because I am allowed, as an adult and videogame enthusiast to get excited about something and to plan out my time to play it. It is instead this very frustrating period of time where I can’t do the thing I want to do but equally I can’t do anything else either. In fact, writing this rambling post is the most productive thing I’ve probably done in the past few days.

This is one of the things that I think people don’t really get when you have ADHD. I have something I’m looking forward to, yet I can’t really focus on anything else. But my brain is currently telling me how stupid that is, how immature I am, how other adults don’t do this, how much of a failure I am because I can’t keep busy for a few more days. Because what I’m looking forward isn’t a ‘normal’ thing for other women, or mothers, my age to get excited for. This is the hyperactivity that people don’t see. How my mind is constantly against me when I’m excited for something by not letting me enjoy other things enough and by criticizing my want and desire to be excited for something. It leads to so much self loathing and frustration. It’s exhausting. What other people see as an ADHD person being lazy and procrastinating is often someone that is really struggling in that moment because they are seriously lacking in dopamine and unable to regulate themselves. They are stuck in this void of waiting mode where they just can’t get other things done properly.

You can’t switch ADHD on and off. You can’t just have the ‘quirky and fun’ part of ADHD that people often see or stereotypically think about. You have to deal with all the difficult parts of it too.

February 25, 2024
My Struggle with ADHD/ASD Diagnosis

Trigger warning: Suicidal thoughts, self harm and very poor mental health.

I have always spoken about my struggles with my mental health and wellbeing on this blog so it is of no surprise I’m sure to any regular reader that I suffer with anxiety and depression. I’ve been in denial about depression previously but I think I finally understand what that looks like for me now. I’ve also talked about wanting a diagnosis for ADHD and coming away with a double diagnosis of ‘textbook’ ADHD and Autism Spectrum Disorder. I have been trying to process that for the last year or so now and I don’t think I’ve really been able to or at least, having suffered with my mental health since my teens this has affected my ability to process such a diagnosis. Despite the struggles, despite how hard it has been I needed this diagnosis. It is validating to know that some of the things that I have struggled with all my life are because my brain is different and not just because I am the weird, quirky one.

Writing about my difficulties as well as my celebrations and happy occasions like getting our pet cat who I love so very much has always been important to me. I don’t like putting it out there that my life is some sort of fantasy dream of a person that had a lot of holidays and purchased a lot of candles. From the start of this blog so many years ago my intention was to share something real in the hope that someone would find it and read it and feel like they were understood by someone else. That someone got what they were struggling with. That they could reach out to someone that kind of got what they were going through even if it was different or for other reasons. I have always been someone that wants to help other people in ways I don’t feel like I am or have been helped. Perhaps, some of that comes from wanting to people please because I know I do that as well but knowing that this is me putting out there and not knowing who it might help in some small way kind of takes the people pleasing away. I’m not writing this to be liked by someone, to impress them, to try and provide value to someone else. I am writing this because writing it feels helpful to me. It may only ever be read by regular readers who already know my difficulties but on the off chance that it could give someone, something then it feels like it’s worth doing and worth saying.

There isn’t all that much help directly for ADHD and being autistic and I have tried seeking help with the other things, tried anti depressants and anti anxiety meds. I am too a victim of the current medication shortage and so have been a few weeks without my correct dosage of ADHD meds which is another thing I need to chase my doctor and pharmacy about but I just can’t. I would really benefit from proper therapy I think. Not just CBT to change behaviours but someone to actually help me work through the depression and anxiety I’ve struggled with long before I was diagnosed but most likely have suffered with because of having a neurodivergent brain. I am someone that is traumatized and that is what I need help with more than anything – recovery from trauma and learning to listen to my needs and respond to those rather than responding to other peoples needs.

Right now, I am severely depressed and stressed with my life. I feel like I am in a constant state of fight, flight or freeze with the latter being my near constant state of existing. Honestly this all started with the pandemic, with my blog work kind of stopping and being in such a weird place in history and I’ve never been able to pick myself back up. I never really considered my depression was as bad as to be suicidal and I never really understood why someone would feel like that until now. Because I do feel like that. I feel like things would be better if I wasn’t around. This is not a subject that should shock people that know me because I have said this. I have spoken to my GP. I have reached out to find support but constantly having to chase help, chase waiting lists, chase pharmacies for medication, constantly trying over and over and over again has exhausted me. I just can’t do it any more. I can’t keep telling people the same things because nothing has changed and to be met with ‘just ask for help’ – because I am sick of asking and waiting and asking and waiting.

I think the only thing that stops me from acting on any suicidal thoughts right now is the fact that I could not traumatize my children that way for the rest of their lives. I already feel like a burden to most people and I just do not want to make their existence, their potential mental health issues, be because I unalived myself. That isn’t noble though, it’s not some big gesture to make me think look how great I am for not doing that. And the thoughts are never of the ‘how’ but just of the ‘if I wasn’t here things would be better for others’. Although in spite all of that, in spite of the intrusive thoughts, I don’t want to die. I want things to get better. I really do have some small ember of hope smoldering away inside me somewhere desperately wanting things to be better but I don’t know how and I am so overwhelmed with having to do the things that might improve things.

That is the reality of my life I am coming to terms with the fact that I am unwell and now ‘classed’ as disabled. Whilst there are things I am hopeful and sure will get better in the future at some point there is a large part of me trying to come to terms with the fact that because I am autistic and have ADHD there is only so much I can do that will change. I admire the people that have been able to use their diagnosis to get to know themselves so much better and make things better for themselves but I wonder how they have the energy to do it because I don’t. And that in itself makes everything feel worse because in a world where I have constantly asked myself ‘why can’t I do that to’ and know having the answer to that question – because I am autistic, because my brain does things differently – and the people I know that are also autistic or have ADHD do look like they are managing. So again, why can’t I? I am not saying that they don’t have their demons or struggles or difficulties because I know that they do but for something that makes you constantly want to fit in, or people please, or compare yourself to others it certainly makes everything feel so overwhelming.

I know suicidal thoughts and acts are more common with neurodivergent people. I know the life expectancy of someone with ADHD is around 15 years less than the average person probably because like me they face burnout and stress so early on in their life and living with it for so long is traumatizing. I know that if I could just take some rest from my life and responsibilities and have the time to actually focus on getting better I probably could but I can’t. I have considered looking into being a voluntary inpatient at a mental health hospital but I don’t have anyone to look after my children for an undecided amount of time. I feel like everything is against me, including my own brain and body most days. So I feel stuck in this space of not being able to help myself and not being able to escape any of it and it fills me with such strong guilt, shame and self loathing.

As a result of feeling so burnt out I am exhausted all of the time. I hate having to leave the house and the things that used to bring me joy and comfort no longer do. As a way to cope with loneliness during the pandemics initial lockdown I started playng an MMO which for a long time helped me meet people and talk to people and gave me something to focus on. I was reading so many wonderful stories and talking to people about the books they loved. I was collecting things that made me happy but now all of that just feels like it is too much. I struggle with household chores and being the only one that really does any. I struggle getting out of bed and just going to the living room sometimes in a flat I have lived in for such a long time now that it too makes me miserable. The lack of space, the bed sharing and cosleeping with my son, not having any space to myself, constantly clearing up after four people, parenting a teenager and a primary school aged child comes with its own challenges. The lack of money or the fact that the money I do have just goes. The debt I have built up and trying to get under control. Having to remember every week to bid on a house to move and forgetting. Bills to pay that aren’t set up by direct debits. Knowing I need a new energy key but not wanting to call because I don’t want to talk on the phone but my emails going unanswered. The fact that the post is about three weeks behind here for some reason so even if a key had been sent I have no way of knowing when it will turn up. The school admin stuff that for some reason isn’t working for my phone number so I was late booking my son’s nativity show places.

I feel useless and incompetent. I feel stupid. I feel like I am just so completely worthless all of the time. I don’t feel respected or liked by many people because I find friendships so difficult to maintain. I hardly have any conversations that are positive because I am always moaning about something and the discussions that happen at home are because I’m stressed. I feel like a burden because I just keep repeating myself with what I need help with and I feel like no one cares and no one listens. Or they listen and they offer help but the reality is I don’t want to ask anymore. I want people to see the mess and say ‘I can fix this’ and just do it. I don’t want to delegate and write lists about what needs doing and what dates need remembering and what budgeting needs considering and having to bid on houses or remember to pay bills. I want someone to just take care of some of those things so I don’t have to because it is killing me. I feel like all of this is so silly to get worked up over, that normal people just manage to do it and I don’t.

It is cathartic at least to be able to put this somewhere and get it out of my head and onto something else. Looking at it it and reading through it is ugly and harsh and frustrating because it is my life. I so wish I could write something joyous and wonderful but that would simply be a lie. Life right now, is anything but wonderful. Admitting that feels like showing just how weak and vulnerable I am. However in all of this, I am only one person that is overwhelmed and frustrated trying to navigate through the day in a time that is so desperately hard to keep going. And despite all of this, I still do have some semblance of hope. I still love people. I still have a desire to stick around. I am tired. I am sad. But one day, I will be better and one day I will not feel worthless.

November 26, 2023
Titles have never been my forte

I have wanted to write something in such a long time yet this website has remained largely unmanaged for a while now and it’s a shame. I remember once going through and looking for blogs and writers I used to follow only to find they were no longer writing and I would hope that wouldn’t be the case for me. So many times I’ve said ‘this is just a hiatus’ or that regular posting would resume soon but I really don’t know when that will be. All I know is right now I need to write something for me.

I have always loved and wanted to write. I have written poetry and song lyrics and followed creative writing prompts. I have sketched out my favourite quotes, I have highlighted pages in (digital) books full of words that give me some kind of meaning, something to hope for perhaps. I have started so many stories. I will always aspire to be that fantasy fiction writer. My words here might not be beautiful or clever but I hope they hold meaning. I have always wanted to write with the goal of helping someone get through something that feels a little bit hard. Because writing when I have been in pain has been so cathartic.

That is where I am right now. I am in pain. And I am so very tired of it.

“We do not get to choose when in our lives we feel pain,” said Matthew. “It comes when it comes, and we try to remember, even though we cannot imagine a day when it will release its hold on us, that all pain fades. All misery passes. Humanity is drawn to light, not darkness.”
Matthew Fairchild, Chain of Gold by Cassandra Clare

I feel like a shell of the person I thought I was. I feel like I am completely lacking in my own personality and living without a sense of identity. I feel like I have spent so many years building up various personas to wear in front of every person I know and each one of those masks is just a piece of my spirit I’ve cut away from myself. Now I’m left with these scattered paper thin, crumpled pieces of me with nothing left to stitch them back together. I feel incomplete and disconnected from everything. I feel both too much and not enough at the same time.

I want to believe that this too shall pass, one day. That things will again feel lighter and brighter. That I will have something back that defines me, that I can be proud of. But I have spent so many years thinking one day things will be better, or easier and that I should only struggle a little while longer. I am so tired of struggling and fighting every day to be liked, to be accepted, to feel valued or appreciated. I am so worn down from years of not fitting in, of being the weird one, of questioning what is wrong with me.

“…all the tears women shed, they leave no mark on the world…”
The Mists of Avalon, Marion Zimmer Bradley

Enough to ask for a diagnosis for ADHD and Autism which I received in the last few months of 2022. There is nothing wrong with being autistic, or, in my case AuDHD as I have seen it put for a combined diagnosis of the two. There is, however, something wrong with living as long as I have, not knowing, and struggling with so many things. With thinking I’ll grow out of these behaviours. With thinking I can’t be a real ‘adult’ because I can’t cope with so many basic things normal adults can.

I am incredibly grateful to have had these diagnosis but it hasn’t really changed much. The ADHD meds are helping with some things, yes, certainly impulse control at least but everything else is still up to me to fix and cope with. To learn new ways to ‘unmask’ and to cater to my own boundaries and my own needs but how I am supposed to do that? I am so tired of having to justify and explain why things need to be a certain way or why I need to rest after a social occasion even if it’s one I’m looking forward to. I’m so tired of panic rushing to look for headphones before going shopping because listening to heavy metal blasting in my ears makes it easier to deal with the people, the too bright white lights, the constant changing placements of food I regularly buy and the grating noise of voiceovers and checkout beeps and conversation.

The embarrassment of having to explain that I have to wear socks in *every* situation because ‘sheets on bare skin make me feel a bit weird’ – read, actually causes me pain if it’s cotton. Feeling so stupid for zoning out of a conversation and having to ask someone to repeat themselves multiple times because ‘sorry I wasn’t listening’ when my inner monologue was screaming at me about something I’d forgotten but refuse to tell me what. All the times I have interrupted my way into a conversation to be told to be quiet, to wait my turn, how rude I am, when all I wanted was to remain relevant. It’s left me with this crippling anxiety for being ignored with leaves me feeling like I am the most awful person.

“She waited to change, and I waited to change, and we both wanted what we couldn’t have.”
Shiver, Maggie Stiefvater

I know I have no choice but to continue trying to live. To continue clawing my way through life with broken bloody nails if I have to. I do not know what the future holds. I don’t know how I’m going to cope and manage but I hope I find a way through this. I feel that is at least one, small redeeming thing about me is that I do still have a slither of hope left that one day things will be not so full of pain and struggle. I think right now it’s too much for me to ask myself to be happy when what I really wish for is ‘okay’.

The last few years where I’ve pulled back from writing and engaging with friends I’ve met through this web space I have been escaping into books and video games which have helped keep my mind occupied from my own thoughts for some time. Thankfully I have also met some people through those hobbies or interests some of which have become very dear friends who I have tried to be my most honest self in front of and haven’t been immediately rejected for that despite, I’m sure, at times being a little strange and difficult to tolerate. It is, I think, the bonds we make through pain and suffering that lead to finding some solace and not feeling quite so alone in the darkest of moments. It’s just really very sad that we have to suffer and struggle alongside each other.

I’m not going to go back over and edit this but I have exhausted myself in writing this down. I feel a little less cluttered in my mind for letting the words, and tears, come out onto this page. With added book quotes for good measure because sourcing photos for this seems like a process I can’t do right now. The thing is I’m just proud of myself for writing something. It may be messy and probably full of mistakes but it helped.

July 26, 2023
We Need Feminism For Men’s Mental Health

November is Men’s Health Awareness month and naturally that is going to include mental health alongside raising money and awareness for serious health complications – as what Movember stands for – such as prostate cancer. As someone that does consider themselves to be an intersectional feminist and someone that frequently talks about the impact society has on mental health in general; talking about how feminism is needed to improve men’s mental health is important and vital. Feminism is not ‘just for women’. It is moving society forward towards equality for all genders and that means tearing down a patriarchal system that has not only inflicted damage on women but also people of colour, non-conforming gender identities and created unobtainable stereotypes for people to live up to.

I can’t stand the phrase ‘man up’

Telling someone to ‘man up’ implies whatever they’re doing at the time is weak and reinforces this idea of toxic masculinity which honestly is something no one benefits from. There is this expectation of men to be strong, silent, stoic and that can be traumatic and damaging. This societal attitude is what has lead to a real mental health crisis because I feel there are so many men that fall through the cracks when it comes to getting help and support for their emotional wellbeing. I don’t know if it’s a predisposition attitude which makes decision makers overlook men when they do go and seek support or if it’s simply a lack of resources – I would be inclined to say it’s a mix of both – but this creates a cycle where someone seeks support and is rejected or overlooked from that support and mentally that creates a barrier from seeking support again.

Being Masculine isn’t the problem

This isn’t an attack on gender conforming males, those that choose to present as masculine or even ‘manliness’ as a concept. It’s an attack on the pressure that men face because of what is expected of them. Toxic masculinity is the negative attributes associated with aggressive, dominating, power hungry individuals that don’t want to see change from a society that already works in their favour. It’s the belief that anything seen as ‘feminine’ is weak such as showing emotions, talking about feelings and admitting when they need help. It’s the way society belief men can only earn respect in positions of power. This then leads to a sense of entitlement over other genders and that is what feminism challenges because the entitled attitude is what is damaging for equality. There is nothing wrong with essentially being manly because there is nothing wrong with being or presenting as male. It’s when the attitude dictates oppressing other genders.

Feminism allows men’s mental health to be taken seriously

Equality isn’t just about fair wages and eliminating expected gender roles and stereotypes although that is the fundamental part of the feminism movement. All of the knock on effect of that benefits all genders. It would allow those that struggle talking about their emotions and mental health the safety of seeking support without negative attitudes and perceived repercussions. It allows people to live a life that is beneficial and happy for their wants and needs. It makes space for other genders in more male or female dominated workspaces which in turn can lead to healthy role models for young people seeing their own identity represented in a workplace or position that they aspire for themselves.

It could allow dads to have extended paternity leave after the birth or adoption of their child and the ability to take time away from work because they need the time to rest. Despite the society expectations that we must all exist only to work in the functionalist machine of capitalism gender equality can lead to people taking the time to figure out what they’re passionate about rather than just fitting a role.

Men experiencing trauma isn’t taken seriously enough

The statistics speak for themselves. Men are more likely to end up homeless, have depression – oftentimes probably undiagnosed – have substance abuse problems and are more likely to commit acts of violence and end up in prison. Men are more likely to commit suicide because their feelings, trauma and emotional wellbeing is not taken seriously enough. Men are less likely to report cases of domestic violence, in same sex as well as heterosexual relationships, and they are less likely to go to the doctor when they need support, or even just physical health checks. New fathers won’t speak up if they’re struggling with the challenges of parenthood and can suffer from a form of post natal depression too.

Trauma comes in all forms and not living in a safe secure space, or having a proper support network makes it very hard to heal and recover from. Just because an event is in the past does not mean a person that had that lived experience does not think, feel or experience the aftermath of the event on a regular basis. When you are condemned for wanting support or showing emotions is a sign of weakness because of gender bias it makes it even harder to try and recover from that and this is what has lead to the mental health crisis we face today.

Supporting someone that has experienced trauma is a privilege

For me, there is nothing more equally heart breaking and touching as hearing a man talk about their mental health, whether that’s as simple as something their struggling with or if it goes as deep as a traumatic incident. Being someone that is trusted to hold that space for them as they feel secure in the knowledge that talking about something difficult is going to be free of judgement is something I do consider a treasured moment in a way. One in which I am proud that someone is defying those gender bias to open up about how they’re feeling but also honoured in a way that I’m trusted enough. Women are expected to get emotional over things (yet still judged for it as being too sensitive) and men seem to be reprimanded for it by saying things like ‘Big boys don’t cry’ which is just such a dismissive reaction to boys showing their hurt or suffering. This notion that men shouldn’t cry again reinforces that idea of weakness when I actually think hearing, seeing, or knowing a man has cried over something that they have been hurt or felt deeply about is a sign of strength and trust. Again, it’s allowing themselves to freely express themselves in the moment and that is something that should never be refused, condemned or punished for.

Perhaps it’s my persistent question asking and curiosity that has lead to these interactions in the past although I would also hope it’s my character that creates a safe space for people to open up to. I’m not really sure but any time this has happened it has just lead to me having the utmost respect for them. I would never trivial someone else’s trauma when they have felt able to tell it to me, even if it’s not a personal lived experience or something I fully understand. Everyone should be able to express themselves in a way that is comfortable and healthy for them and when you become a confidant to someone’s struggles it really is a privilege to know they trust you. That is what it comes down to more than anything, finding someone they trust to show vulnerabilities. Being that person in a society that shuns men from talking about their feelings, emotional wellbeing and mental health is a privilege and something I will always take seriously in order to be a good friend and a source of support where I can.

Parental responsibilities in men’s mental health

As a mum of a boy I am incredibly aware that my own bias and perceived stereotypes of men can directly impact his self worth as he grows up. The way I raise him is what will affect his ability to manage, sit with and look after his emotional wellbeing, just the same as it does with my daughter. However, I feel more pressure raising a son because not only do I want him to continue being the kind, loving child he is becoming but I want him to feel safe to express himself when he feels any form of emotion and be able to learn from his reactions. Allowing men to be free of societal expectations that lead to a toxic masculinity attitude is at the responsibility of parents first and foremost. By raising our children to understand gender equality and to treat mental and emotional health as a serious matter will hopefully lead to generational shifts, eliminating toxic masculinity and preventing gender bias when allocating support and assistance for those that need it.

November 12, 2022