Candyfloss & Dreams

Category: Mental Health

The Constant Battle of Hating the Diet Industry and Being Ashamed of my Body

I have been anti-diet for a few years now, prominently during a global pandemic where all coping mechanisms have had to be altered but I’ve also taken issue with the body positive movement which is something I also feel I don’t really belong to. As a result I haven’t gained weight as I was doing. I haven’t regularly weighed myself to try and keep track of the numbers but I know I haven’t done a huge amount to benefit my health either because mentally I just haven’t had the capability to do it.

Don’t get me wrong the diet industry destroys lives at the cost of billions of pounds and now seems to be trying to appease body positive and fat activists by calling itself ‘wellbeing’ industry. Trying to make it things it cares about your feelings and wants to encourage positive lifestyle changes when really it just wants you to buy its ready meals, pay its slimming club fees and use its apps. It doesn’t care. It hasn’t changed. It’s just rebranded. On the other end of this though I am seeing a lot more personal trainers of all different sizes talking about encouraging movement and trying to be more accessible to all body types, shapes and sizes – which is a great thing. I’m hearing people talk about healthy fat people in a different way, occasionally, although the message that you can be healthy and fat is still perplexing to some.

Obesity is not a health problem, it’s a class problem with people in poorer areas, from working class families unable to life as healthy lifestyle as someone that has the financial means to buy good, fresh food regularly and has the time to prepare nourishing meals whatever time of day. Delivery courier companies have made fast food more accessible to everyone and when you are feeling low, you don’t have the energy to cook, you can get pretty much whatever you want with a few taps on a screen. There are clear links between poorer households and weight problems, which are caused by a whole multitude of problems. I think after living in a time period of such high stress for the last few years everyone is talking about their covid weight gain. Not to mention we are coming up to Spring so social media is full of ‘get bikini body ready with my xyz product this summer’ advertisements which is just a load of bull – I’ll say it again for the people in the back – every body is a bikini body.

I don’t have a full body mirror in my flat so all I have is this recent photo of me and my son in our building lift.

Despite knowing all this, despite wanting to be anti diet and wanting to accept my body and make health conscious choices which include nourishing food, joyous movement and doing things that actively reduce stress I still take issue with how I look and feel. I don’t feel happy with my body but being anti-diet makes me think how can I make changes. Not to mention the potentiality for having ADHD which has been linked to binge-eating disorder as its a way to gain a sugar rush or dopamine hit – food that tastes good brings me pleasure therefore I crave it because I need/want the dopamine. My relationship with food is awful. I go through times of binge eating to times of forgetting to eat. High stress levels prevent hunger cues going through to my brain which then stops me functioning properly and affect my mood in other ways. These are all things I know and recognise in myself.

Then comes the battle of feeling physically sick when I look at my body in the mirror. There are days when I think okay I’m not too fat, I’m not too unattractive, I’m not too big and then I glimpse myself in the mirror and automatically deflate internally when I realise how small my head looks compared to my shoulders. I’m very much an apple shape, small head and shapely limbs but a very round body. I can’t say I have curves because I don’t. I know for so many people the easy answer is to just eat less and move more but it’s not that simple when your relationship with food is so messed up, and when you want to get up and move but your executive dysfunction stops that from happening. I thing one thing I really struggle with is genuinely liking an alternative appearance when it comes to clothing and those websites only offering a size 18, maybe a 20 at a push. So I can’t even dress how I want right now to try and increase my body positivity because those sizes are too small for me.

These are things I want to actively work on because I know I feel good when I move more. I know I need to respect my body better by feeding it food that will nourish it. I know I don’t want to focus on numbers but I would really like to be in a position to buy clothing I actually like. I want to feel good about my body, I want to respect that I’ve carried two children into the world. I don’t have any health problems that are dramatically affecting me from making better decisions for myself. I also feel like I’m betraying everything about hating the diet industry by admitting I would like to fit into smaller sized clothing. Not to mention, on a somewhat related note, that researching about ADHD has lead to me thinking that a good way to help me be healthier is ready prepared food for the days I don’t have the energy to cook but this causes guilt in an eco-conscious way because it means more plastic, more waste and that in itself causes so much stress.

The problem here I think is the guilt. I feel guilty for not doing enough, for not fixing enough, for wasting too much, for being anti-diet but wanting to lose weight, for liking food too much…the list is really endless and guilt is for sure a huge problem here. And again, I wonder is this a neurodivergent thing because I feel things so strongly, over such insignificant things that the guilt puts a stumbling block in my path from doing anything at all. These are all things I need and want to work on. I hope with time I can learn to make healthier decisions for myself both for my body and my mental health because living each day in guilt is stressful and I don’t think I can cope with it much longer.

February 21, 2022
An Update on my Adult ADHD Referral and How I’m Feeling

In May 2021 I asked my GP for an Adult ADHD Referral after reading a friends blog post and asking myself have all my struggles been related to potentially having a neurodivergent brain? Is that why I feel like I’ve been completely drowning in my adult life and have periods where I am unable to function? Is this why I have completely struggled since I can remember because I don’t feel like I fit in. I don’t know if the knowledge that I am on the lengthy NHS waiting list is a help or hinderence right now because I hate waiting.

I recently got a letter through confirming I was on the waiting list and my referral had been accepted into the stream of ongoing people however because we have an awful Government who underfund the privitalise the NHS and don’t care about working class peoples mental health, adult services for autism and adhd assessments are atrocious. In my area they are currently seeing people referred in January 2019 so it looks like I will be waiting until at least 2023 just to have an assessment. There is then another equally long waiting list for Titration which is the diagnostic perscriptive period which helps you get the right medication and dosage for your needs. It feels like I’m just caught in this huge mess of wanting to fix my problems but not being able to. For some reason my GP has misunderstood the Right to Choose NHS pathway which has been an issue and I think I would meet resistance if I brought this up again or even asked if shared care would be an option if I went privately and that is a real thing I’m considering right now.

I feel like I’m in an okay place mentally at this point in time but because I’ve tried to be so productive in getting results for my chronic headaches, issues with my sight and binge eating I feel like everything else is slipping by the wayside. I have absolutely used video games as a coping mechanism this year which is fine but between trying to fix my brain and doing something I enjoy to procrastinate my work has suffered, my impulse buying has increased which has been a real problem. I am feeling so much pressure which is leading to me having to take time just mindlessly scrolling through social media and disasociating. My general life overwhelm is just in a really strange place right now which is leading to an increased amount of choice paralysis, comparison problems, and executive dysfunction at times and periods of hyperactive hyperfocus but not on things I *should* and sometimes even *want* to do. Not to mention the body dismorphia, struggling with food and the general reduction in the usual (although still pretty minimal) socialising I would do. I think thats where video games have filled some of this void because it’s something I like, want to get better at and do a lot of, and includes a social element with other people that are doing the same.

I’m really trying to look for the positives in things honestly but my ‘negatives’ collum right now is so long its become so difficult. Being stuck in our flat sometimes makes me feel physically sick the lack of personal space I have and the amount of time we have had to spend at home. The amount of work that needs done to declutter it. I’m so unhappy here but I can’t fix anything or move or do anything about it yet and that is genuinely affecting my day to day life in such a bad way. I also have a cold right now so that is heightening all of the bad feelings. I know I said I was okay, and I genuinely am, honestly I don’t feel depressive of sad or miserable. I feel frustrated and lonely and like I’m not being listened to and a bit of a failure really.

The thing is I’m such a sensory sensitive person and right now my sensory needs are not being met. What I see around me, the clutter, the mess, the lack of space just makes me feel awful and that then leads to the unproductiveness. I know people will just roll their eyes and be like “well stop buying things” or “just get rid of stuff” or “just clean up” and I want to scream that it’s really not that fucking easy for me. But then I will go into a hyperfocus mode and stuff will get done and I’ll throw stuff away and then I’ll feel guilty for not trying to repurpose things because I’m throwing stuff away that I can’t use so I hoard stuff and then I’ll feel guilty for not using it or doing something with it or the amount of money I’ve wasted on something. That cycle really can spiral way out of control but the problem is all of this consistently happens in my head and then that manifests into fatigue, extreme exhuastion and such a high stress bad tempered enviornment.

I have really been looking into ADHD for a while and whilst I know that medication is not going to be a fix it all cure, everything requires work to improve my health and productivity but I genuinely think the validation of being like right well I have this and I need to do things a bit differently because of that. I was looking into seeing if I was both Autistic and had ADHD as I know there are some things that overlap between the two but I think some of the traits that are prevailent in both seem more ADHD centered than Autistic. The biggest link is the sensory processing struggles I have I think with certain food, textures, scents, lighting and well parts of my skin. This has turned into more of a ramble than I intended but I just basically wanted to say that it’s been almost six months since I’ve been referred and I’m feeling a huge bag of emotions but trying to cope as best as I can.

November 14, 2021
Getting my MRI Results and living with Chronic Migraines- November 2021

In the summer I wrote about having an MRI after finding out there was something wrong with my eyes at my last eye test in March. It’s taken quite a while but I got my MRI results back last week and thankfully they came back all clear. There’s nothing to indicate that I have Intracranial Hypertension and potentially the bulging optic nerve may have been something I was born with particularly as my images looked similar between eye tests. So what is wrong me with? We still don’t know. The next step is to have an ultrasound on my eye which sounds pretty uncomfortable but I’ve had ultrasound scans before. This will hopefully determine a condition the opthamologist said but that just doesn’t sit right with me particularly as my vision now does have some light sensitivity and my headaches have become a chronic pain condition resulting in chronic migraines. The chronic headaches are something that have gotten persistently worse over the years, particularly after stopping hormonal contraception and having my son.

I didn’t really put myself into the ‘chronic pain’ thing because it feels selfish. It feels like by me talking about pain I am invalidating other peoples lived experiences of living with real life altering pain on a daily basis. But the truth is the level of pain and persistency of headaches does stop me from getting on with life. Over the last few months since having my MRI I have been trying to keep track of my pain levels a bit more to make me stay in check with my body. I can not remember a day when my pain level was 0. Most days it is manageable and around a two or a three (out of ten on my own pain scale) and then during a particularly bad flare up reaches a 7 or an 8 around three times a month. A 10, thankfully, has only happened once in the last few months were I’ve had a migraine and extreme ovulation pain which completely stopped me doing anything and left me feeling sick, unable to eat much and in a state of brain fog for about ten days afterwards. As a result I am learning my cycle of headaches much better and they are absolutely in sync with my menstrual cycle which does make me think its hormone related and if my ultrasound scan comes back as normal too I will be heading to the GP to talk about it too.

I don’t know why I am trying to invalidate my own pain – pain is pain and it’s not ‘normal’ to live with it every single day. There are absolutely liftestyle changes I want to make to help reduce my pain and make things easier but I do not think this will be a cure-all. I know migraines are a side effect of having had epidurals so that is something that can’t be ruled out. Another recent conversation I had made me think that it is potentially cortisol related too. As I have mentioned before I am awaiting an ADHD assessment and speaking with other women that have had late referrals for ADHD they have admitted to frequent and persistent migraines prior to starting medication. Whilst again I am not expecting this to be the cause it does give me some hope that seeking help for the pain, the daily struggles of my neurodivergent brain and binge eating disorder problems I may have some pain free days in the future.

The absolute best news though is of course that my MRI was normal and there was nothing to suggest a brain tumor or anything else terrifying which has of course been running through my mind since I had the scan. One thing that did make me think it was ‘fine’ when I got my appointment letter to discuss the results was that it came from the eye clinic rather than a nerurologist and I think if there had been something wrong I would have heard back much sooner than November. Anyway, I will keep you updated on my search for a pain free existence amongst eye problems.

November 13, 2021
Having an MRI – Brain Scan

So I recently wrote that I haven’t been very well lately and had to go to an opthamologist after an optician appointment, which then referred me for an MRI. Having the MRI is to rule out more serious reasons why there is some pressure, why I’m getting headaches and why my optic nerve is bulging – otherwise known as Papilledema. There’s no way to put it but I completely freaked out at the mention of having an MRI because despite not having any real serious symptoms, what if something is picked up. I haven’t got my results yet but I’ll write up an update when I do. I wanted to write this blog post sharing my experience of having a brain scan because it’s quite an intimidating thought and hopefully my experience of what happened will help put your mind to rest if you need to have one. I know that these procedures can vary from trust to trust so our experience might not be exactly the same but I always find knowing something in advance helps me to control some of my anxiety and fears.

One thing I was worried about was having an MRI as a fat person who is currently avoiding weighing herself because it triggers binge eating episodes. I had already weighed myself recently for a referral for weight management help through my GP so I didn’t have to have that done again thankfully. Interestingly off topic – I started my mission to be anti diet two years ago and I have not put on weight during that time whereas during my time of constant dieting on and off I was down, down and then up and up and up. I think if I had carried on dieting I would have been much heavier. I am the biggest I’ve been but I’m no bigger now I am no longer dieting. So anti dieting absolutely helps you to stop putting on weight.

My opthamology appointment was at my local hospital which is partnered with two larger hospitals within the trust so I knew the referral would be for one of those. Logistically, being a non-driver, I knew this was going to cause a bit of an issue and I was told the wait for an MRI was around a month to six weeks or so. On Tuesday morning I got a call from the trust informing me of availability the very next day at 9am. Thankfully my mum was able to have the kids and Adam was able to drive me to the appoinment. I spoke to a lot of friends and my support network online to try and get a feel for what to expect. There’s nothing like the complete unexpected to raise my anxiety to a high point and I spent a lot of Tuesday feeling scared. I don’t think I managed to eat much that day either. However, in hindsight, I’m really glad I had such an early morning appointment and it was so last minute because I didn’t have enough time to really let the anxiety build and by 10am the next day I was back in the car on my way home.

Having an MRI scan can be a pretty scary thing, and I knew I’d find keeping so still really difficult because of my potential ADHD – I am always chewing my tongue, moving my facial features, biting my lip ring, like I’m always moving some part of my body and I was so scared that moving my eyes slightly, blinking and breathing was going to prevent the scan from getting the images that were needed. I will say that even though I didn’t find it easy, I did cope with it, I did get it done and if I had to go for one again I would be able to manage – that fear of the unknown is gone and that has helped. Of course I am still anxious about the results but I am trying to be quite optimisitic. Below is my experience of having an MRI scan in Hampshire and what to expect when having an MRI brain scan.

What to wear for an MRI

I was googling all sorts of weird questions – even down to should I wear deodarant or not because that has aluminium in it. There was no list of what I should/should not wear, I just knew no metal but didn’t really consider cosmetics. I took my lipring out of course and then just wore a plain cotton tshirt, leggings, socks and trainers. I didn’t wear a bra but I changed into one after the scan because I don’t feel comfortable without one being very top heavy. I didn’t have to chane into a gown, I kept my shoes and socks on – really reassuring for my sensory issues as I can’t have bare feet. A lot of people said the rooms are really cold but I found it to be a little on the warm side – however this could have been my anxiety. I had to wear a non-metal mask whilst in the machine because of COVID and that was something I didn’t anticipate and was concerned about. Think comfy, loose clothing like loungewear but make sure there are no zips, metal buttons or anything like that. I personally chose to avoid Lyrcra too.

Having an MRI at Basingstoke Candover Clinic

The clinic is situated at the back of Basingstoke hospital and has limited parking. Adam dropped me off outside and came back to collect me when I was done. I walked into the main reception and it was very nice. I remember just thinking it’s very nice here. There were toilets just inside and then a short walk down the hall to the MRI department. When I walked into the reception for the MRI department I burst into tears which, to be fair, is a very ‘me’ thing to do. The receptionist was really calm and reassured me whilst I filled in my paperwork and then it was a short wait for the MRI scanning technician person – I don’t know what they are called – radiologist? who came to get me and lead me through to a private changing room. As I said I didn’t have to change my clothes into a gown but it did have a locker where I could put my bag before going into the scanning room. The staff, whose names I cannot remember, but they were male and very calm people, were really good with me and just reassured me to do my best when I mentioned I was nervous and struggled staying still.

Going into the MRI room I swapped my mask for a metal free one and placed the locker key down on a side bed before walking over to the machine. I was helped to lay down and given noise reducing headphones to block out the noise of the scanner and they played a radio station for me which, whilst I couldn’t hear it most of the time, was helpful. When you have a scan of your brain they cushion your head to help support it and keep you very still and then there is a cage that locks into place over your face. This was really difficult to cope with however, there was a mirror right above my eyes that looked out into the room where I could see the people operating the scanner and that did help with the claustrophobia. I was only about half way in the scanner with my head in the centre and the rest of my body from the tummy down was outside. I had a pillow under my legs for support and to be honest I was relatively comfortable.

When inside the MRI machine I could hear a tanoy sort of thing come on when the person doing my scan would tell me what is going on. I asked if he would count me down every so often to help so every ten minutes he would tell me how long was left which I found really, really helpful. I was told the scan would take around 30 minutes providing they could complete all the scans and get the images. I was again asked to stay as still as possible and to keep my eyes open looking in the mirror above or to just close my eyes. I was also giving a squeezey ball buzzer which I could press at anytime to ask to be removed from the scan. Having something to hold was actually really helpful for me and I didn’t feel the need to use the buzzer at any point but it’s reasurring to know that it can be stopped if needed. The MRI machine is really noisy even with the headphones on but it wasn’t actually that bad. At one point the pattern of the machines and vibration sort of felt like a massage and a heavy techno dance sound. It was a bit weird but kind of distracting too. I felt my eyes drifting offcassionally and I would move my gaze up and each time I did that I was worried that I had messed up the scan but as far as I know everything was fine. There were a couple of times I sort of jerked my arms up too when the machine moved slightly it made me jump but I think I managed to keep my head still. I found though after these moments my shoulders would be really tense and it was hard to get them to relax down. I also felt my left hand sort of claw up a bit mimicking my right hand that was clasping the buzzer ball.

During the last ten minutes of the MRI scan I was told there were two long scans, one was about two minutes long and the final one would be six minutes. Just before the six minute scan I was reminded and reassured again. I actually just found myself counting that one down by repeatedly counting to sixty in my head. Just as that scan ended I saw one of the technicians come back into the room through the mirror so that kind of helped me know that I would be coming out soon and I was done. I was then told them would be bringing me out and it was done. Two staff members helped me to sit back up and offered me some water before it was time to get my things and go. There was no inkling as to what the scan showed, I was told the images would be sent to a radiologist and I would know the results within about ten days to two weeks so I’m expecting to hear something at the end of next week or the start of the week after.

August 13, 2021
I have a Bulging Optic Nerve and need an MRI

So when it comes to looking after myself I’m not that brillaint. In fact I tend to go all or nothing which is one of the reasons why I’m seeking an ADHD diagnosis. One thing I haven’t kept on top of is my eye tests. I had one back in March 2021 but previous to that it was like 2015. I was late having one in 2017 and then I was pregnant with my second child for pretty much all of 2018. Then life. So it was a long time. Anyway, my vision was getting worse, I had migraines every so often and then I started getting really painful throbbing headaches that would wake me up in the night. It was really intense throbbing so I just put it down to more migraines. Eventually i got my eyes tested and the optician corrected my glasses prescription and reffered me for further examinations for a bulging optic nerve. Now it says on the referral that the photo taken of my eye was very similar to that taken six years ago so there hasn’t been a huge change and I’m sort of borderline problematic (that’s my life basically).

7th July I go to the opthomologist appointment, he asks about my health and I say aside from why I’m here, physical is fine, mental health is not and I’m currently seeking help for all my issues including binge eating disorder. Dr does the eye examinations and refers me to have an MRI to find the source of the pressure. Could be my nerves have always looked like that, could be something else and hopefully the MRI will show. He suspects its either nothing or something called Idiopathic Intercranial Hypertension (IIH) which is rare, but, 30 something fat women are the ‘typical’ suffers. Guess what puts it in remission? Fucking weight loss. So we’ve got a problem where long term I could lose my sight, short term I have to have lots of horrible inteventions like shunts, medications regular hospital appointments with a neurologist etc but equally I am anti-diet having tried them all over the last fifteen years and being referred for binge eating disorder.

I’m not going to lie to you I’m really scared. I’m scared that the MRI will show something worse, I am scared of loosing my sight and never seeing my kids faces again. Basically I’m left with no other option. I have got to fix my issues with binge eating and food and I have got to focus on building a healthy, strong, happy body. I’m currently on a Rebel Fit programme and I am determined to fix this. I don’t want to make this into a weight loss blog and I do not intend do. I do not support diets, I do not support diet culture. I know I need to change my thought process, make pleasurable but healthy choices and move my body regularly.

I have some blood tests coming up to help with all of this and they will be done before the MRI because that takes around a month. I can however start making some positive lifestyle changes right now. It’s going to be doing the therapies, working with Mind and iTalk, doing the blood tests and getting that sorted. I’m going to start balancing my meals and making them fun, flavourful choices. Rebelfit is really going to help with this. I’m also going to focus on strength workouts, yoga, and as much as I hate it, walking.

I hope my neurodivergent brain will make getting healthy my new hyperfocus and I can turn it into my super power because I am not loosing my sight to this. I know there are visually impaired people that live quality and fufilling lives and I am not trying to disrespect that at all. However, I have a problem that I can fix and I am going to. Obviously I don’t have a diagnosis yet, as I have to wait for the MRI and I’m scared and I just wanted to write down my thoughts and feelings. I know there will be people googling their symptoms or bulging optic never what does it mean like I was.

I will try and write this stuff regularly and write again with the results of the blood tests and MRI scan when that happens. For now, I’m going to focus on moving my body more, drinking more water and making fufilling, healthy food choices.

July 7, 2021