Candyfloss & Dreams

Tag: anxiety

My Struggle with ADHD/ASD Diagnosis

Trigger warning: Suicidal thoughts, self harm and very poor mental health.

I have always spoken about my struggles with my mental health and wellbeing on this blog so it is of no surprise I’m sure to any regular reader that I suffer with anxiety and depression. I’ve been in denial about depression previously but I think I finally understand what that looks like for me now. I’ve also talked about wanting a diagnosis for ADHD and coming away with a double diagnosis of ‘textbook’ ADHD and Autism Spectrum Disorder. I have been trying to process that for the last year or so now and I don’t think I’ve really been able to or at least, having suffered with my mental health since my teens this has affected my ability to process such a diagnosis. Despite the struggles, despite how hard it has been I needed this diagnosis. It is validating to know that some of the things that I have struggled with all my life are because my brain is different and not just because I am the weird, quirky one.

Writing about my difficulties as well as my celebrations and happy occasions like getting our pet cat who I love so very much has always been important to me. I don’t like putting it out there that my life is some sort of fantasy dream of a person that had a lot of holidays and purchased a lot of candles. From the start of this blog so many years ago my intention was to share something real in the hope that someone would find it and read it and feel like they were understood by someone else. That someone got what they were struggling with. That they could reach out to someone that kind of got what they were going through even if it was different or for other reasons. I have always been someone that wants to help other people in ways I don’t feel like I am or have been helped. Perhaps, some of that comes from wanting to people please because I know I do that as well but knowing that this is me putting out there and not knowing who it might help in some small way kind of takes the people pleasing away. I’m not writing this to be liked by someone, to impress them, to try and provide value to someone else. I am writing this because writing it feels helpful to me. It may only ever be read by regular readers who already know my difficulties but on the off chance that it could give someone, something then it feels like it’s worth doing and worth saying.

There isn’t all that much help directly for ADHD and being autistic and I have tried seeking help with the other things, tried anti depressants and anti anxiety meds. I am too a victim of the current medication shortage and so have been a few weeks without my correct dosage of ADHD meds which is another thing I need to chase my doctor and pharmacy about but I just can’t. I would really benefit from proper therapy I think. Not just CBT to change behaviours but someone to actually help me work through the depression and anxiety I’ve struggled with long before I was diagnosed but most likely have suffered with because of having a neurodivergent brain. I am someone that is traumatized and that is what I need help with more than anything – recovery from trauma and learning to listen to my needs and respond to those rather than responding to other peoples needs.

Right now, I am severely depressed and stressed with my life. I feel like I am in a constant state of fight, flight or freeze with the latter being my near constant state of existing. Honestly this all started with the pandemic, with my blog work kind of stopping and being in such a weird place in history and I’ve never been able to pick myself back up. I never really considered my depression was as bad as to be suicidal and I never really understood why someone would feel like that until now. Because I do feel like that. I feel like things would be better if I wasn’t around. This is not a subject that should shock people that know me because I have said this. I have spoken to my GP. I have reached out to find support but constantly having to chase help, chase waiting lists, chase pharmacies for medication, constantly trying over and over and over again has exhausted me. I just can’t do it any more. I can’t keep telling people the same things because nothing has changed and to be met with ‘just ask for help’ – because I am sick of asking and waiting and asking and waiting.

I think the only thing that stops me from acting on any suicidal thoughts right now is the fact that I could not traumatize my children that way for the rest of their lives. I already feel like a burden to most people and I just do not want to make their existence, their potential mental health issues, be because I unalived myself. That isn’t noble though, it’s not some big gesture to make me think look how great I am for not doing that. And the thoughts are never of the ‘how’ but just of the ‘if I wasn’t here things would be better for others’. Although in spite all of that, in spite of the intrusive thoughts, I don’t want to die. I want things to get better. I really do have some small ember of hope smoldering away inside me somewhere desperately wanting things to be better but I don’t know how and I am so overwhelmed with having to do the things that might improve things.

That is the reality of my life I am coming to terms with the fact that I am unwell and now ‘classed’ as disabled. Whilst there are things I am hopeful and sure will get better in the future at some point there is a large part of me trying to come to terms with the fact that because I am autistic and have ADHD there is only so much I can do that will change. I admire the people that have been able to use their diagnosis to get to know themselves so much better and make things better for themselves but I wonder how they have the energy to do it because I don’t. And that in itself makes everything feel worse because in a world where I have constantly asked myself ‘why can’t I do that to’ and know having the answer to that question – because I am autistic, because my brain does things differently – and the people I know that are also autistic or have ADHD do look like they are managing. So again, why can’t I? I am not saying that they don’t have their demons or struggles or difficulties because I know that they do but for something that makes you constantly want to fit in, or people please, or compare yourself to others it certainly makes everything feel so overwhelming.

I know suicidal thoughts and acts are more common with neurodivergent people. I know the life expectancy of someone with ADHD is around 15 years less than the average person probably because like me they face burnout and stress so early on in their life and living with it for so long is traumatizing. I know that if I could just take some rest from my life and responsibilities and have the time to actually focus on getting better I probably could but I can’t. I have considered looking into being a voluntary inpatient at a mental health hospital but I don’t have anyone to look after my children for an undecided amount of time. I feel like everything is against me, including my own brain and body most days. So I feel stuck in this space of not being able to help myself and not being able to escape any of it and it fills me with such strong guilt, shame and self loathing.

As a result of feeling so burnt out I am exhausted all of the time. I hate having to leave the house and the things that used to bring me joy and comfort no longer do. As a way to cope with loneliness during the pandemics initial lockdown I started playng an MMO which for a long time helped me meet people and talk to people and gave me something to focus on. I was reading so many wonderful stories and talking to people about the books they loved. I was collecting things that made me happy but now all of that just feels like it is too much. I struggle with household chores and being the only one that really does any. I struggle getting out of bed and just going to the living room sometimes in a flat I have lived in for such a long time now that it too makes me miserable. The lack of space, the bed sharing and cosleeping with my son, not having any space to myself, constantly clearing up after four people, parenting a teenager and a primary school aged child comes with its own challenges. The lack of money or the fact that the money I do have just goes. The debt I have built up and trying to get under control. Having to remember every week to bid on a house to move and forgetting. Bills to pay that aren’t set up by direct debits. Knowing I need a new energy key but not wanting to call because I don’t want to talk on the phone but my emails going unanswered. The fact that the post is about three weeks behind here for some reason so even if a key had been sent I have no way of knowing when it will turn up. The school admin stuff that for some reason isn’t working for my phone number so I was late booking my son’s nativity show places.

I feel useless and incompetent. I feel stupid. I feel like I am just so completely worthless all of the time. I don’t feel respected or liked by many people because I find friendships so difficult to maintain. I hardly have any conversations that are positive because I am always moaning about something and the discussions that happen at home are because I’m stressed. I feel like a burden because I just keep repeating myself with what I need help with and I feel like no one cares and no one listens. Or they listen and they offer help but the reality is I don’t want to ask anymore. I want people to see the mess and say ‘I can fix this’ and just do it. I don’t want to delegate and write lists about what needs doing and what dates need remembering and what budgeting needs considering and having to bid on houses or remember to pay bills. I want someone to just take care of some of those things so I don’t have to because it is killing me. I feel like all of this is so silly to get worked up over, that normal people just manage to do it and I don’t.

It is cathartic at least to be able to put this somewhere and get it out of my head and onto something else. Looking at it it and reading through it is ugly and harsh and frustrating because it is my life. I so wish I could write something joyous and wonderful but that would simply be a lie. Life right now, is anything but wonderful. Admitting that feels like showing just how weak and vulnerable I am. However in all of this, I am only one person that is overwhelmed and frustrated trying to navigate through the day in a time that is so desperately hard to keep going. And despite all of this, I still do have some semblance of hope. I still love people. I still have a desire to stick around. I am tired. I am sad. But one day, I will be better and one day I will not feel worthless.

November 26, 2023
Mental Health and Life Update – September 2022

It saddens me that a genuine post hasn’t come from the heart here for such a long time. I remember reading in various blogging groups I was in years ago that talked about how people would go to find a blog they used to love and see that it hadn’t been updated and I always thought to myself I hope I never get to that point yet it turns out I have and I desperately want to change that. Writing has been a healthy outlet for me for as long as I can remember and not having it as part of my daily routine has, I think, really been a large part of my own suffering.

For someone like me that deals with anxiety, low mood and now the possibility of neurodivergence having a healthy outlet to let off steam and put all of my overwhelming cluttered thoughts is a true lifeline. Often people talk about how writing is a form of creative expression and catharsis, some even comparing it to a form of therapy. It certainly has been that way for me in the sense that writing has prevented self harm. I can not even begin to admit the shame admitting that brings me although my previous entries on mental health; well, perhaps that isn’t as much of a surprise. Self harm has never been about suicidal thoughts for me, I’d like to make that clear, but it was an unhealthy way of attempting to escape from the sheer overwhelming feelings I deal with on a day to day basis. Intrusive thoughts have always been something I’ve struggled with but I’m thankful that I’ve never contemplated anything further than that.

Getting it out of my mind and trying to relieve how anxiety and stress physically manifests in my body is what originally lead to self harm before I really started writing it all down. Sometimes talking about it isn’t quite enough because I can’t always speak the words that I want to say. Or my words come out so muddled and confused which in turn frustrates me and doesn’t make it any easier. It’s not that I have a problem sharing my issues considering I’ve already written about them here in what I’ve always considered a safe place and publishing those struggles in the hope of someone else reading them and not feeling alone – whilst makes me feel vulnerable – has always been the backbone of this space. I want to help others. I have a strong desire to help others even if that has sometimes been at my own expense.

Honestly, I feel like I have always put other people first. I’m sure I have other people in my life that would probably disagree; people that have called me selfish because of the way I do things or the way I’ve lived my life although now that I’m looking at that through an autistic and adhd lens and I see my past very differently. To say that it has been a traumatic process is probably the biggest understatement I have ever made because it’s felt like so much more than trauma. The frustrating thing is that I have had so many people say that if I receive this diagnosis I’m hoping for it doesn’t change who I am as a person and whilst that may be somewhat true it changes everything for me. I can not help but look back on my life and wonder how different things could have been for me should I have known, should I have accessed different kinds of support, should I have been able to truly open up more about how my mind works. Would I have suffered quite so much in my teens had I known better?

And alongside all this I have still had to carry on but it hasn’t been the same because I have been figuring this all out after having my structure taken away from me because of Covid. I know I can’t blame everything on a pandemic but having to live life, raise children, crisis school, deal with an identity crisis, attempt to be a decent girlfriend, daughter, sister, mother and friend, the stress of an MRI scan and chronic pain, seeing family members get sick and not being able to do anything about it, not being able to see my friends as often…despite having people around me I feel like I have been cut off and isolated. I have felt so incredibly lonely without being alone. I have been erratic and confused and emotional and at times kind of unstable. I have not had a period of low mood, depression, constant anxiety and just general badness since I was much, much younger.

What makes this all so difficult is I haven’t been able to write through it. I feel every time I go to write something it’s just depressing and horrible thoughts that no one really wants to read about. I haven’t done anything worth writing about or inspiring enough. I don’t consider anything I’ve really done in the last few years an accomplishment or something to be proud of. I’ve run up way too much debt that has come with it’s own issues, I have cluttered my home with too much stuff, I have tried various hobbies and not stuck to them, I haven’t moved enough, I’ve gained weight, I’ve struggled with binge eating again and I have genuinely lost a sense of self. At this moment in time, I do not really know who I am. I do not really know what I mean to others. I feel like I’m just a culmination of other people trying to be able to fill their needs rather than my own. I suppose I have tried to be what I think people want me to be rather than be myself and that lack of self honesty.

I really want to make some changes because enough is enough and I am not coping well with anything and I do not really know how to fix it. However, I have finally received dates for my ADHD assessment and I am in equal parts terrified but finally feel I can emerge from waiting mode. I have something concrete to work from and I hope this will be a boost I need because I honestly feel I have pinned everything on this assessment and I have been waiting such a long time to try and get to this point. I understand that that’s perhaps not the most sensible option and I’m putting all my eggs in one basket. I’m not sure what I will do or how I will feel should the assessment come back with a non-diagnosis or how that will affect me but I do know that I need to get this done and get a result either way.

I suppose I am still looking for answers to ‘what the hell is wrong with me?’ ‘why am I the way that I am?’ and ‘how can I fix it?’ – and I don’t want to just be told ‘nothing is wrong with you’ because right now I don’t feel like anything is really right with me either. I feel stuck. I feel unable to move. I feel like I’m halfway up a flight of stairs with the end in sight but the sheer inability and lack of energy to simply lift my foot up and get to the top. In all this I am fearful that all I look like is lazy and incompetent and inconsistent. I feel like I have been a complete burden to others, someone that people don’t want to be around because I have nothing valuable or positive to add to the conversation. In this moment in time there is nowhere I feel like I completely fit in.

I have started doing things though. I am clearing my home and my personal space of things that no longer have a purpose. Physically making space in my home is really helping me to make space in my mind. This is my attempt to get back into the routine of writing about something every day because I finally feel like I have something to say and hopefully contribute. I have events planned and people I will be seeing soon and I am so excited for that as hopefully a gap closer in back to who I was. I have reached out to step change to start fixing my debt problems. I want to get back to regular working again through my blog and freelance options.

And I’m getting a cat. I can not wait to introduce the new family member to you all. It’s something the children have wanted for such a long time and I have too and now I feel is the time. I appreciate after all that I’ve said above that having another responsibility may feel like I’m taking on too much but genuinely I think the time and energy I will have into caring for this kitten and making sure she has a safe and happy home will be a very positive step for me, particularly with Evangeline in secondary school now and Felix in Forest School more regularly. I don’t feel very needed at the moment I suppose either, with older children that are gaining more independence each and every day. I have been needed by someone for such a long time that it feels quite strange to not need to be at someone’s constant beck and call all day everyday.

September 8, 2022
Neurodivergent Self Diagnosis is Valid

For the last year or so I have opened up to friends and family, as well as writing about it here, that I think I am autistic and have adhd. I’ve talked before on my blog about my mental health and battles with low mood and anxiety but last year something really clicked for me which gave me the push to seek a conversation with my doctor. I am now on the waiting list for my area for an assessment and I do not know how long I will be waiting. This is difficult for me because whilst a lot of what I know of myself and have learned about adhd and autism is so very relatable but on the other hand actually telling people I am these things makes me feel like a fraud because I am not officially diagnosed. It makes me feel like I’m invalidating a space I haven’t really been allowed to step into. However, speaking with other friends that have gone through diagnosis and hearing how exhausting and complicated and stressful the process is their opinion on self diagnosis has really helped to change my perspective and the way I consider myself when meeting new people. I am still going to persue a diagnosis because I feel like I need it for my own validation but, for now, I feel like I can start stepping into a neurodivergent space and I hope I will continue to be accepted for it.

Challenging stereotypes

One thing I have heard repeated over and over is that ‘If you’ve met one autistic person, you have only met one autistic person’ because, as I am sure you have heard and read before it’s a spectrum disability. Every single autistic person I know is different, and does things differently. Some of them are very different to me, some of them share very similar traits and quirks, and some of them need a lot more support with their physical needs than I do. Being female I already challenge the stereotype that only boys and men can be autistic but if we have learned anything over the last few years particularly that is just simply not true.

A book I have recently began reading which I have found very relatable (and funny) is Drama Queen by Sara Gibbs – the first person I personally have read about that talked about being hyperverbal. A phrase I hadn’t really thought about before because being Autistic can usually present as social and communication challenges for individuals and is often thought to mean autistics are non verbal or can not communicate with others. Don’t get me wrong I know autistics that struggle to communicate, or don’t like speaking much but that isn’t me. Hearing the term hyperverbal and then learning a bit more about it made a lot of sense to me because I talk a lot, I talk quickly and I often say inappropriate things thanks to a lack of filter. I often struggle to ‘read the room’ so to speak. The way my social communication challenges present are that I often interrupt people because the words bubble up and I feel a real need to get my point across. I feel like if I don’t say what I’m thinking at that exact point I will lose focus and then lose my place in the conversation. I also do it because I want to relate to other people which means conversations with me are rarely simple and easy chit chat but instead, well, if I like you, you’re going to learn my life story in a short space of time which can be pretty overwhelming for others.

I don’t do this to cause harm and I often feel very guilty and like I am offloading on others. I don’t want to do that. I mostly just want friendships and connections but I don’t really know how to make friends as an adult and I have struggled to maintain friendships with people over the years because I also find them to be exhausting. I suppose that leads on to the other stereotype that autistics lack empathy. I can’t speak for everyone but I often feel things too much, very quickly, very deeply. If someone I care about is hurting it becomes almost like physical pain for me and I will want to do everything in my power to make myself accessible to them and to try and make them feel better. This in itself can be really overwhelming for them if they’re not ready for that kind of attention and I have to really try and hold myself back because I also struggle with something known as rejection sensitive dysphoria which is a common trait in those with ADHD. So I notice if someone’s behaviour around me changes and even though there is every possibility that it has nothing to do with me at all, I jump to the conclusion that I have ruined another friendship, or lost another person because I have been too much for them. It hurts, so much, and it’s exhausting.

Because of all this I feel very burned out on life right now. I am stuck in the sense that I can not get anything done and the bare minimum feels too much. Frustratingly assessment appointments waiting lists are years long so it feels like it will be a long time before I get the diagnosis I am hoping for. I feel like I’m stuck right now and I don’t really know how to make myself better. I am going to speak to my GP again soon and I’ve been having some CBT which I think for someone that is hyperverbal talking does help although I know I’m supposed to do something before the next session but I can’t remember what. I have heard so often that everyone is on the spectrum somewhere or similar and I just think that whilst some neurotypicals, for sure, share traits and moments of hyperactivity, inattentiveness and impulsivity it doesn’t derail and take over their life like it does mine. It doesn’t cause problems because they’re not chasing dopamine the way I am on a constant basis. This then leads to me getting frustrated and agitated easily, not sleeping properly, not coping with small changes in the day, and sensory overload. When my mood is low, all of these things become harder and harder to deal with.

The positives to my Neurodivergent Brain

When I hyperfocus it can be glorious. I can completely zone into something and work a lot of stuff out when I hit the sweet spot between doing something I enjoy and something I need to do. It makes me feel productive, accomplished and happy. I’ve been able to plan out six months worth of content for my blogs and social media when I’ve caught a tiny speck of inspiration and ran with it. I’ve been able to write continuously for hours and feel proud of my content creation. I can pick up things very quickly if I’m interested in them and I like to learn. I might get a little frustrated along the way but I will keep going until I get it right as long as I’m getting enjoyment from it. I am multipassionate and have a lot of hobbies thanks to impulse buying. No, I don’t always follow them through but I have a lot of interesting things to talk about. I have a lot of empathy and time for my friends, I can be really patient and understanding and a good listener. I have had to deal with my own trauma and I think that probably has an impact on the way I treat people.

So with all of that I can understand why some choose not to go for an official diagnosis because the process is long and exhausting and feels like a constant battle just to protect yourself and get yourself access to additional help and support with your healthcare professionals. Equally though, I am not sure what I will have access too after a diagnosis. Is medication an option for me if ADHD is part of my brain problems? Will it be worth the wait? I have no idea. All I know is I need answers for myself and why I feel like I don’t function the same way everyone else does.

April 2, 2022
Could it be ADHD? Seeking an ADHD Diagnosis in my Thirties
Do I have ADHD? I am currently on the waiting list for an assessment and seeking an ADHD diagnosis from the mental health and psychiatry team. Although it never occured to me before until I recently read a post by my blogger friend Louise who started sharing her diagnosis with ADHD, or ADD for some people. I’ve always thought I was “not like ~~normal~~ people” and a bit of a weirdo. I’ve always thought I had some form of neurodivergence and I’ve long suspected my eldest as having ADHD (and getting no help with that…) but it suddenly seemed to click that perhaps the reason I suspect my daughter has ADHD is because I, may, infact, also have it. Not only am I now seeking a diagnosis for ADHD but I’m also seeking mental health support for binge eating disorder, anxiety, and obsessive compulsive disorder (undiagnosed, currently). I believe I may also be autistic as there are a lot of cross overs and similar behaviours between Autism and ADHD and so I have been referred to the ADHD and Autism team for the area I live in. It’s a very long waiting list with an average of about two years, which is very frustrating, but at least I am trying to seek support now.

What is Attention Defecit Hyperactive Disorder?

It’s a condition that affects the way people act and behave. It can affect any person and is *usually* diagnosed in children. However, it is becoming very obvious that ADHD can present itself differently in some people, usually women and girls (as well as gender non-conforming and trans people) and this can be why many people go undiagnosed as children and seek assesment and diagnosis as adults. It can present as hyperactive and impulsive ADHD, inattentive ADHD or a combination of both.

What causes ADHD?

According to the NHS ADHD does not have a known cause but it is thought to run in families (be hereditary, which is probably why many parents who have children with a diagnosis regocnise the condition in themselves through the assesment process). Some causes can be low birth weight, prematurity and drinking/smoking during pregnancy. However, I think there is a lot more to learn about the condition, especially with how it can present vastly different in some people.

I think I have ADHD; what now? Getting help with an ADHD diagnosis

If you think you might have ADHD the next step is to get in touch with your doctor, health team and/or GP. You can also pay privately for an ADHD assesment. Some areas of the UK can benefit from the NHS Right to Choose from Psychiatry UK which offer Adult ADHD assessment and diagnosis. Clinical Partners have a (non diagnostic) test which can indicate if a conversation with your doctor about ADHD might be beneficial to you. This test can not tell you if you have ADHD or not because you need to have a psychiatric assessment to diagnose but it can help you to understand a little more about your personal neruodivergence and where to get started with seeking a formal diagnosis.

What are the common symptoms of ADHD in adults?

Some signs of ADHD behaviour include being unable to sit still and general restlessness, constantly fidgeting, being unable to concentrate, excessive physical movement, unable to wait your turn, acting without thinking and interupting conversations. However, there are also inattentive signs of ADHD which include missing details and easily distracted, trouble focusing on the task at hand, becoming bored quickly, difficulty learning new information, easily confused and frequent daydreaming.

My personal experience and why I want an assessment for an ADHD diagnosis

One thing I struggle with is a lot of these issues make me feel like I’m an ignorant and immature child but I’m a thirty-something year old mother. I struggle with most of the above things which makes day to day life quite challenging. I feel like my brain never really ‘grew up’ despite it did because I have tried to find ways of coping with many of the above to live a fufilling adult life but this is what makes me want to seek a diagnosis because I feel like I’m childish and immature yet it could be that my brain is just different.

I wasn’t a hyperactive child in the stereotypical sense of bouncing of the walls so speaking to my family about a potentiality of having ADHD has come as a bit of a surprise to them. I was a ‘good’ academic school child, I didn’t really get bad reports and I wasn’t particularly disruptive to other students. This stereotypical outlook of a child being disruptive and hyperactive all the time is not the be all and end all. Attention Deficit Disorder is a far broader way of looking at all of the issues that come with this type of neurodivergence. For some children and adults its the lack of focus, the daydreaming, the quiet, introverted behaviour thanks to being chronically overwhelmed with life that doesn’t outright signify the fact that there might be an issue. Hyperactivity displays itself in many, many different ways with ADD. In fact, AD(H)D is sometimes written with the H in brackets to signify that hyperactivity itself is not the one factor that makes people have this type of neurodivergence.

I have potentially been living undiagnosed with this for a very long time and I have been through the works trying to figure this out for myself. Many adults are happy to self-diagnose with AD(H)D as they feel they have the right coping mechanisms in place for their individual neurodivergence. They notice and acknowledge particular behaviours and will happily carry on their lives in that way. Some people want support in forms of therapies as ADHD can come with a multitude of other issues such as mood swings, depression, anxiety, compulsion tendancies and issues with food. Support in these areas can sometimes help those with ADHD. In other cases, such as for myself, I am actively seeking a diagnosis because I am struggling with many areas of my life, I have never really been able to ‘solve’ what is wrong with me and I want to feel validated. I want help and I am open to discussing being medicated if that is something that will help me.

I know talking about our mental health can be a little intimidating but it’s important. We seek and crave other people that migth feel the same so we can try and put our own feelings into perspective.

I am going to continue writing about what I learn as time goes on but here is what lead me to ask my GP for an ADHD referral
- I am currently seeking help with binge eating disorder which can sometimes be linked to ADHD due to compulsive behaviours. I also have emetophobia (fear of vomit) which can cause panic attacks and why I know I have binge eating issues.
- I am always losing things. Keys, Phone, Purse, Bag are the top four but things just get misplaced all the time. I never remember where my ‘safe place’ is.
- I’m very messy because if I can’t see a thing then it doesn’t exist. I need to be able to see things to know I need to do them. Visual queues are my friend. However if often leads to ‘Oh I forgot I had this’ moments of nostalgia when looking for the things.
- I have lived with anxiety all my life and I would like to understand this more
- I have an issue making simple decisions every day of my life such as what to cook
- I struggle putting a routine in place in my day to day life
- I have struggled holding down a job – thank you self employment
- I have a lot of hobbies, courses and projects I have started and want to finish but lack the motivation to do so
- I struggle with life admin, the boring side of my work and motivating myself to do things I want/need to do
- I feel like I am lazy because I struggle to get up and get things done unless I am in the mood
- I have trouble staying asleep through the night
- I hyperfocus on things and often find myself only being able to talk about that thing
- I constantly reread books, listen to the same songs, rewatch tv shows for sensory comfort
- I have sensory issues such as not being able to eat certain foods, feel certain textures on certain body parts, and struggle touching certain materials with wet or just washed hands
- I struggle with intrusive thoughts, skin picking and hair pulling compulsions
- I often spend money when I am in a low mood for a pick me up. Thankfully I haven’t turned to substance abuse as I don’t smoke, rarely drink and have never taken any form of drug but that is something that can happen
- I spend more time organising and planning things than actually doing them. I plan and then I get so overwhelmed that I don’t actually follow through and then I feel guilty.
- I worry that my issue isn’t neurodivergence but in fact laziness and that again makes me feel shame and guilt
- I get overwhelmed with the amount of things I feel I need to get done
- I don’t ever feel like I’m living up to my full potential because I’m always procrastinating
- I use forms of escapism such as reading and video games to avoid life overwhelm. However, I recently started a book blog and now I feel overwhelmed by my reading list and have not been able to read much because I am trying to escape the overwhelm and it turns into a vicious circle of constant overwhelm and guilt.
- When I have a ‘hyperactive’ stage it usually hits me and I feel like I have to get things done – this is kind of like my superpower because when I *feel like I can* and the urge to do comes in I hyperfocus and I am so productive. If I could like zone in on this part of my brain for like six hours a day my life would be so much easier (at least I hope it would anyway)
- I struggle waiting my turn – I often interupt people or finish their sentence, I struggle waiting in lines and get restless, I struggle with wait times on video games, waiting for anticipated books to release. This can make me agitated and come across as rude, and sometimes, a bit aggressive.
- I have to compete with myself or make up challenges to help me with ‘waiting’ or ‘boring’ tasks. For example, I will see how much washing up I can get done before the kettle has finished boiling. This usually means because I am focusing on ‘competing’ things like washing up aren’t done very well as I’m not thinking about doing a task well, but trying to get it over and done with as quickly as possible.
Basically I struggle with most day to day things and can’t keep a routine in place but equally I hate spontaneous living and like to have a concise plan. I can organise and plan effectively but I really struggle to follow through with simple tasks which has made being a mum, work at home parent, trying to keep our space clean and tidy really tough. We have a lot of clutter, there’s no cleaning routine in place which makes things really stressful. I’m very much a hoarder which means living in a small space feels very overwhelming but I also feel like I can’t get rid of things because I paid money for them. My life is a constant cycle of hyperfocus – overwhelm – procrastination – guilt/shame and then back to hyperfocus again. The issue is that the time between procrastination and hyperfocus is so varied depending on other life stresses. I can have weeks of super productive energy where I’m working and the house looks okay and I’m paying off debt to then months of “falling of the wagon” and essentially feeling like I’m in an even worse place than when I started.

I am hoping an ADHD diagnosis will help me feel a bit more validated, help me establish and stick to a routine of work, exercise, household duties and hobbies. I have joined a group of other adults that have ADHD to try and help me put coping mechanisms in place right now whilst I wait for the assessment and I’m doing my best to try and figure out my own neurodivergent brain and how I can make the most of it. On the plus side I have lots of interests and hobbies, I have lots of ways to spend my time and things I want to do. I’m an ambitious person but struggle to keep myself motivated and I’m hoping I’ll be able to learn ways to use my hyperfocus time to the best of my abilitity.
June 22, 2021
#WorldMentalHealthDay – My Story

I’ve already read so many inspirational stories today for #WorldMentalHealthDay that are encouraging, supportive and so emotionally brave. I wanted to put words to post myself and share something meaningful. Something I hope will help others too. Mental Health affects us all, whether we’re suffering or smiling, or we are watching a family member go through crisis. I’ve openly talked about my anxiety and depression before to friends and family and most of the time I suppose people would say I’m doing fine.

The truth is there are still days where I don’t want to get out of bed because I can not cope with life.
There are still nights where I panic and worry and get angry.
There are still times where I feel so overwhelmed by the smallest of things.
There are still times where I overeat and comfort eat to try and ignore the pain of what I’m feeling.
There are still times when looking after myself is not a priority.
There are still times where I am haunted by my past, where I have nightmares and wake up sobbing.
There are still times where I think I have failed as a parent because of decisions that were taken out of my hands.
There are still times where I think this world would be a better place if I wasn’t here.

Those times are few and far between now but that doesn’t mean they’re not there. It doesn’t mean I’m cured or healed. It means that despite how I feel, how I’m coping, I am choosing to live. I am choosing to be here for my daughter. I am choosing to be here because I deserve to be here and because those people that made my life hard in the past don’t deserve to win. I am choosing to push back the whispers of self-doubt every day I walk out my front door because I want to win at life. I want to do more than survive.

If you are feeling anything close to what I’ve described then talk to someone, anyone. A doctor, a nurse, a friend, a partner, a parent. Anyone. Make it known that you think you might be suffering from depression because ultimately when it comes to mental health, no matter how much we raise awareness, only you can make that decision to ask and seek help.

Depression doesn’t go away easily, it’s a challenge and sometimes it’s a daily battle. It’s a war that will never end but there are days, weeks, months and years that you can find peace in yourself and every day you wake up not wanting to fight, you’ll have so many more reasons to do so.

October 10, 2017