Tag: Health

  • Having an MRI – Brain Scan

    Having an MRI – Brain Scan

    So I recently wrote that I haven’t been very well lately and had to go to an opthamologist after an optician appointment, which then referred me for an MRI. Having the MRI is to rule out more serious reasons why there is some pressure, why I’m getting headaches and why my optic nerve is bulging – otherwise known as Papilledema. There’s no way to put it but I completely freaked out at the mention of having an MRI because despite not having any real serious symptoms, what if something is picked up. I haven’t got my results yet but I’ll write up an update when I do. I wanted to write this blog post sharing my experience of having a brain scan because it’s quite an intimidating thought and hopefully my experience of what happened will help put your mind to rest if you need to have one. I know that these procedures can vary from trust to trust so our experience might not be exactly the same but I always find knowing something in advance helps me to control some of my anxiety and fears.

    One thing I was worried about was having an MRI as a fat person who is currently avoiding weighing herself because it triggers binge eating episodes. I had already weighed myself recently for a referral for weight management help through my GP so I didn’t have to have that done again thankfully. Interestingly off topic – I started my mission to be anti diet two years ago and I have not put on weight during that time whereas during my time of constant dieting on and off I was down, down and then up and up and up. I think if I had carried on dieting I would have been much heavier. I am the biggest I’ve been but I’m no bigger now I am no longer dieting. So anti dieting absolutely helps you to stop putting on weight.

    My opthamology appointment was at my local hospital which is partnered with two larger hospitals within the trust so I knew the referral would be for one of those. Logistically, being a non-driver, I knew this was going to cause a bit of an issue and I was told the wait for an MRI was around a month to six weeks or so. On Tuesday morning I got a call from the trust informing me of availability the very next day at 9am. Thankfully my mum was able to have the kids and Adam was able to drive me to the appoinment. I spoke to a lot of friends and my support network online to try and get a feel for what to expect. There’s nothing like the complete unexpected to raise my anxiety to a high point and I spent a lot of Tuesday feeling scared. I don’t think I managed to eat much that day either. However, in hindsight, I’m really glad I had such an early morning appointment and it was so last minute because I didn’t have enough time to really let the anxiety build and by 10am the next day I was back in the car on my way home.

    Having an MRI scan can be a pretty scary thing, and I knew I’d find keeping so still really difficult because of my potential ADHD – I am always chewing my tongue, moving my facial features, biting my lip ring, like I’m always moving some part of my body and I was so scared that moving my eyes slightly, blinking and breathing was going to prevent the scan from getting the images that were needed. I will say that even though I didn’t find it easy, I did cope with it, I did get it done and if I had to go for one again I would be able to manage – that fear of the unknown is gone and that has helped. Of course I am still anxious about the results but I am trying to be quite optimisitic. Below is my experience of having an MRI scan in Hampshire and what to expect when having an MRI brain scan.

    What to wear for an MRI

    I was googling all sorts of weird questions – even down to should I wear deodarant or not because that has aluminium in it. There was no list of what I should/should not wear, I just knew no metal but didn’t really consider cosmetics. I took my lipring out of course and then just wore a plain cotton tshirt, leggings, socks and trainers. I didn’t wear a bra but I changed into one after the scan because I don’t feel comfortable without one being very top heavy. I didn’t have to chane into a gown, I kept my shoes and socks on – really reassuring for my sensory issues as I can’t have bare feet. A lot of people said the rooms are really cold but I found it to be a little on the warm side – however this could have been my anxiety. I had to wear a non-metal mask whilst in the machine because of COVID and that was something I didn’t anticipate and was concerned about. Think comfy, loose clothing like loungewear but make sure there are no zips, metal buttons or anything like that. I personally chose to avoid Lyrcra too.

    Having an MRI at Basingstoke Candover Clinic

    The clinic is situated at the back of Basingstoke hospital and has limited parking. Adam dropped me off outside and came back to collect me when I was done. I walked into the main reception and it was very nice. I remember just thinking it’s very nice here. There were toilets just inside and then a short walk down the hall to the MRI department. When I walked into the reception for the MRI department I burst into tears which, to be fair, is a very ‘me’ thing to do. The receptionist was really calm and reassured me whilst I filled in my paperwork and then it was a short wait for the MRI scanning technician person – I don’t know what they are called – radiologist? who came to get me and lead me through to a private changing room. As I said I didn’t have to change my clothes into a gown but it did have a locker where I could put my bag before going into the scanning room. The staff, whose names I cannot remember, but they were male and very calm people, were really good with me and just reassured me to do my best when I mentioned I was nervous and struggled staying still.

    Going into the MRI room I swapped my mask for a metal free one and placed the locker key down on a side bed before walking over to the machine. I was helped to lay down and given noise reducing headphones to block out the noise of the scanner and they played a radio station for me which, whilst I couldn’t hear it most of the time, was helpful. When you have a scan of your brain they cushion your head to help support it and keep you very still and then there is a cage that locks into place over your face. This was really difficult to cope with however, there was a mirror right above my eyes that looked out into the room where I could see the people operating the scanner and that did help with the claustrophobia. I was only about half way in the scanner with my head in the centre and the rest of my body from the tummy down was outside. I had a pillow under my legs for support and to be honest I was relatively comfortable.

    When inside the MRI machine I could hear a tanoy sort of thing come on when the person doing my scan would tell me what is going on. I asked if he would count me down every so often to help so every ten minutes he would tell me how long was left which I found really, really helpful. I was told the scan would take around 30 minutes providing they could complete all the scans and get the images. I was again asked to stay as still as possible and to keep my eyes open looking in the mirror above or to just close my eyes. I was also giving a squeezey ball buzzer which I could press at anytime to ask to be removed from the scan. Having something to hold was actually really helpful for me and I didn’t feel the need to use the buzzer at any point but it’s reasurring to know that it can be stopped if needed. The MRI machine is really noisy even with the headphones on but it wasn’t actually that bad. At one point the pattern of the machines and vibration sort of felt like a massage and a heavy techno dance sound. It was a bit weird but kind of distracting too. I felt my eyes drifting offcassionally and I would move my gaze up and each time I did that I was worried that I had messed up the scan but as far as I know everything was fine. There were a couple of times I sort of jerked my arms up too when the machine moved slightly it made me jump but I think I managed to keep my head still. I found though after these moments my shoulders would be really tense and it was hard to get them to relax down. I also felt my left hand sort of claw up a bit mimicking my right hand that was clasping the buzzer ball.

    During the last ten minutes of the MRI scan I was told there were two long scans, one was about two minutes long and the final one would be six minutes. Just before the six minute scan I was reminded and reassured again. I actually just found myself counting that one down by repeatedly counting to sixty in my head. Just as that scan ended I saw one of the technicians come back into the room through the mirror so that kind of helped me know that I would be coming out soon and I was done. I was then told them would be bringing me out and it was done. Two staff members helped me to sit back up and offered me some water before it was time to get my things and go. There was no inkling as to what the scan showed, I was told the images would be sent to a radiologist and I would know the results within about ten days to two weeks so I’m expecting to hear something at the end of next week or the start of the week after.

    a pin image for the blog post my experience of having an MRI brain scan. The image shows an MRI scanner with a text overlay and the blog post title. At the bottom of the image is my website


  • I have a Bulging Optic Nerve and need an MRI

    I have a Bulging Optic Nerve and need an MRI

    So when it comes to looking after myself I’m not that brillaint. In fact I tend to go all or nothing which is one of the reasons why I’m seeking an ADHD diagnosis. One thing I haven’t kept on top of is my eye tests. I had one back in March 2021 but previous to that it was like 2015. I was late having one in 2017 and then I was pregnant with my second child for pretty much all of 2018. Then life. So it was a long time. Anyway, my vision was getting worse, I had migraines every so often and then I started getting really painful throbbing headaches that would wake me up in the night. It was really intense throbbing so I just put it down to more migraines. Eventually i got my eyes tested and the optician corrected my glasses prescription and reffered me for further examinations for a bulging optic nerve. Now it says on the referral that the photo taken of my eye was very similar to that taken six years ago so there hasn’t been a huge change and I’m sort of borderline problematic (that’s my life basically).

    7th July I go to the opthomologist appointment, he asks about my health and I say aside from why I’m here, physical is fine, mental health is not and I’m currently seeking help for all my issues including binge eating disorder. Dr does the eye examinations and refers me to have an MRI to find the source of the pressure. Could be my nerves have always looked like that, could be something else and hopefully the MRI will show. He suspects its either nothing or something called Idiopathic Intercranial Hypertension (IIH) which is rare, but, 30 something fat women are the ‘typical’ suffers. Guess what puts it in remission? Fucking weight loss. So we’ve got a problem where long term I could lose my sight, short term I have to have lots of horrible inteventions like shunts, medications regular hospital appointments with a neurologist etc but equally I am anti-diet having tried them all over the last fifteen years and being referred for binge eating disorder.

    I’m not going to lie to you I’m really scared. I’m scared that the MRI will show something worse, I am scared of loosing my sight and never seeing my kids faces again. Basically I’m left with no other option. I have got to fix my issues with binge eating and food and I have got to focus on building a healthy, strong, happy body. I’m currently on a Rebel Fit programme and I am determined to fix this. I don’t want to make this into a weight loss blog and I do not intend do. I do not support diets, I do not support diet culture. I know I need to change my thought process, make pleasurable but healthy choices and move my body regularly.

    I have some blood tests coming up to help with all of this and they will be done before the MRI because that takes around a month. I can however start making some positive lifestyle changes right now. It’s going to be doing the therapies, working with Mind and iTalk, doing the blood tests and getting that sorted. I’m going to start balancing my meals and making them fun, flavourful choices. Rebelfit is really going to help with this. I’m also going to focus on strength workouts, yoga, and as much as I hate it, walking.

    I hope my neurodivergent brain will make getting healthy my new hyperfocus and I can turn it into my super power because I am not loosing my sight to this. I know there are visually impaired people that live quality and fufilling lives and I am not trying to disrespect that at all. However, I have a problem that I can fix and I am going to. Obviously I don’t have a diagnosis yet, as I have to wait for the MRI and I’m scared and I just wanted to write down my thoughts and feelings. I know there will be people googling their symptoms or bulging optic never what does it mean like I was.

    I will try and write this stuff regularly and write again with the results of the blood tests and MRI scan when that happens. For now, I’m going to focus on moving my body more, drinking more water and making fufilling, healthy food choices.

    female plus size figure wearing white top, black jeans and blue trainers standing on grass near some water with tall trees in the background
  • Why I Will Never Join A Slimming Club Again

    Why I Will Never Join A Slimming Club Again

    In short; because they’re toxic and damaging and I never, ever want to put myself through that kind of misery ever again. But there is so much more to it than that. I will be sharing more of my body positive, self love, strength gaining progress on another blog as I feel it deserves more space than what this blog can give it. You can read more about why I’m saying Goodbye to scales and find other resources there too.

    Recently you may have noticed on my blog and social media that I’m stepping away from talking about loosing weight and being thin and slimming clubs and all kinds of things weight loss and health related. That’s because I am sick of feeling like a complete failure and have accepted that I am so much more than what I weigh.

    spicy veggie wraps and lime wedges. It looks good enough to eat.
    Adding lots of colour to food makes it look so much more appealing

    I don’t want or need to be thin

    You see I have no desire to be thin at all. I never have done. When I really sat down and thought about it I have no interest in being a size 8 or even a 10, 12 or 14. I have no interest in weighing myself on the scales ever again. I have no interest in feeling unwell because I’ve been starving myself. I do not want to spend the rest of my life counting calories, adding up syns (that have no nutritional backing by the way) focusing on what macros I’m allowed and if I’ve had enough protein. I’m sick of saying I can’t have what I want to eat because I’ve been dragged down by a fatphobic society.

    Getting stronger without restriction

    Instead of shrinking myself I am going to focus on making myself so strong. I am going to find ways of moving that I love, be it dancing with my kids, swimming in a bikini or learning to lift weights – because it’s bloody exhilirating. I said I wanted my word of the year to be more and I want to focus on more ways to cook delicious, fufilling meals for myself and my family. I want to find more flavours of food that I love. I want to read more books by inspiring, interesting, diverse women that have said a big F you to diet culture.

    With all this anti weight loss that doesn’t mean I don’t seek change, I absolutely do but I am completely shifting my focus away from disordered eating and weight loss. Instead of restricting myself I am learning to listen to my body again, it’s fullness signals. And whilst I haven’t lost weight or got smaller, I haven’t got bigger in these last few months either. I don’t eat as much or as often, unless I’m hungry. I am getting back into my hobbies and reading more. I am writing more and I am singing loudly (badly) in my living room because it makes my little boy laugh so hard.

    large green leaves in the background with a table, dumbell weights and work out clothes
    I want to focus on getting stronger and healthier without focusing on weight loss and hating my body because I am fat

    What About MY Health

    I am not disregarding my health. My blood pressure is fine, Im increasing my activity every day because I want to and it makes my body feel good, I’m taking a multivitamin and adding more veg and fibre into my food. I’m trying to cook from scratch more often and I’m drinking more water. But I’m not feeling guilty for a takeaway. I’m not feeling guilty for a gin and tonic. I’m not feeling guilty for feeling too full. I am wearing clothes that fit me and that are comfortable. I’m taking better care of myself and my health, body and mentality than I ever have before when attempting to slim and shrink down. Regardless, my health is my business and I only owe it to myself to get into a healthy position, not anyone else.

    The need for emotional wellbeing and happiness

    Loosing weight doesn’t make me happy. It makes be obsessive, stressed and binge eat. With no restriction I don’t feel the need to binge. Instead I want to educate myself and focus on improving my health, happiness and self confidence. All of these things do not require me to have a specific BMI or be a certain number on the scales. One thing I have noticed is when I’m not obsessing over weighing out food or counting calories or syns I actually have so much more time for myself and my family.

    So what can you do to improve your health without focusing on weight loss?

    1. Shift the focus from food restriction to eating slower, listening to your body when it’s full and stopping if you don’t want to. You never, ever have to finish your plate
    2. Find movement you love and stick at it
    3. Focus on getting a restfull night sleep
    4. Drink water
    5. Do something mindful like meditation, deep breathing, relaxing or keeping a gratitude journal
    6. Do more of what makes you happy
    7. Follow other anti diet culture people on social media
    8. Affirmations can help your self confidence so saying something positive about yourself every day five times can really help shift the focus to self happiness
    9. Read and educate yourself about damaging diet culture and find a way to live a lifestyle that makes you happy
    10. Be out in nature and say yes to more things that you think will be fun
    image for pinterest: iced doughnuts with the text why im ditching the scales and toxic diet culture to improve my health
    Pin Image: Ditching diet culture for a happier and healthier lifestyle
  • I’m Too Fat To Be Body Positive

    I’m Too Fat To Be Body Positive

    On one hand I see slimmer women from magazines, airbrushed and photoshopped giving me an unrealistic view of beauty and health and on the other I see women the same size as me confident and content with their bodies. I can’t help but feel what is wrong with me. I am not body confident, the way I look disgusts me.

    It’s totally my fault of course because I own my body and I have made the decisions that make it the way it is right now. I ate the food, I moved less, I had children and in those years I’ve created a mindset that has a unhealthy view of food. I restrict then binge, yo-yo diet and workout but then I get complacent, or bored, or lose willpower or feel pressured and I stop. My attitude towards food is unhealthy and my attitude towards exercise is it’s painful and I feel humiliated doing it.

    But I see so many women, some the same size, some larger than me loving themselves and I don’t understand what there is to love. I don’t love anything about my body, I don’t love anything about the way I look. I don’t have respect or pride for my scars and stretchmarks. All I see is fatty flesh, shoulders too big for my small head, horrible hair that never looks right however it’s cut, makeup that I can’t ever “do” proplerly so it always looks cakey no matter my budget. I see tiny hands with bitten nails, hard skin, soft pudgy bits that don’t sit right in any clothes. I feel chub rub, boob sweat and all the aches and pains that come with carrying excess fat around my body. Do these body positive, body confident women not feel these things either? Is there something wrong with me that only I suffer with these problems of being so overweight?

    Do they not find it hard getting in and out of the bath? Do they not have to put the shampoo and conditioner in reach before getting in because the tyres around their middle prevent them actually reaching forward enough? Do they not sweat so much it makes them embaressed to go outside? Do they not look at themselves and the sag and excess skin and sretch marks and wish at times they could just unzip it at the back and step out of this fat suit? If they don’t feel like this then why do I feel like this if I am “one of them”

    I do not want to be so slim and so ripped. I don’t need loads of muscles on show or eight abs. I don’t care about having a bit of a mum pouch from my two c-sections. I just want to wear a pair of jeans from a supermarket rather than expensive shops dedicated to plus sizes. I want to buy a bra that costs £6 instead of £36. I want to have a healthy respect for my body and a positive relationship with food.

    I do not want to spend the next thirty years of my life stepping on and off the sad step until I reach my target weight and then obsessing over maintaining that weight for years to come. I do not want to have to restrict myself from food groups forever. I just want to be able to understand when I’m full and to have enough. I don’t want to have to overeat to the point of discomfort and I want to continue actually really enjoying food because it tastes so good. I don’t want to be stuck on a traffic light system focusing in on labels for the rest of my life in case something is too fatty or too high in sugar.

    I want to learn to trust myself to make healthy choices and to enjoy movement. I want to be a good role model to my kids and show them that being healthy is not about being thin but it is about mental relationships. I do not want my children to live a live of obsession over their weight but how can I prevent that when the way I look disgusts me and drives me own obsession with diet culture.

    I feel pressured, overwhelmed and disgusted at myself and I do not know where to start. I am too fat to be body positive and I am too fat to be healthy.

    Woman looking out the window, blog post on how I'm too fat to feel body positive text in white on orange background at the top of the image. #bodypositive #fat #plussize #lifestyle #womenshealth