Candyfloss & Dreams

Category: Mental Health

  • How I Got Diagnosed with ADHD at age 33 – ADHD Awareness Month

    How I Got Diagnosed with ADHD at age 33 – ADHD Awareness Month

    ;Getting diagnosed with ADHD as an adult female can be a daunting experience. I wanted to share a written account for why, how and when I got my diagnosis for combined ADHD at 33 years old in the UK and I’m sharing this as part of ADHD awareness month. If you prefer to listen to me ramble on video for half an hour you can watch my YouTube video explaining this too.

    ADHD Awareness Month – October 2022

    This is the first time I am sharing something personal for ADHD awareness month because I have only just received my diagnosis for combined ADHD in October 2022 at the age of 33. However, this is something I’ve been trying to get for the last eighteen months now and it’s felt like a bit of a battle. Not every person will feel like they can, need to or should be diagnosed with ADHD but it’s something I really wanted to get for myself. I fully understand and appreciate just how daunting the diagnosis assessment and following treatment can be and so champion that neurodivergent self diagnosis is valid.

    ADHD awareness is all about talking about ADHD and sharing that it’s not just being a bit restless, fidgetting and getting distracted. It’s actually something that has dramatically affected my mental health, physical health, self confidence and, self esteem. It’s something that can negatively impact my day to day life. ADHD isn’t just noisy, hyperactive boys that won’t sit still in a classroom as was often the stereotype during my days at school which is probably why no one ever thought that I might need a diagnosis. For all intents and purposes I was a fairly introverted, quiet, well behaved child at school. So ADHD awareness is about breaking down those harmful stereotypes to allow more adults and more children to get access to the help and support they not only need but fully deserve so they can embrace the positives of their own way of thinking.

    Getting diagnosed with combined ADHD by Solutions4Diagnostics

    I filmed this shortly after receiving my diagnosis. It’s about 30 minutes long but if you’d rather watch me not look at the camera, say ‘um’ a lot and talk about it rather than read you can do so here.

    How ADHD presents itself in my personality

    For most of my life I have felt overwhelmed by the smallest of things and wondered why I couldn’t seem to cope with life the same way as my peers do. This has become an increasing struggle and more noticeable as I’ve gotten older. I have always been diagnosed with anxiety or depression but felt that it was never that simple. It didn’t explain why I felt constantly restless, why I struggled to fall asleep, how I was constantly moving parts of my body when I had to stay still, my lack of focus, willpower for anything, constant daydreaming and zoning out. I’ve started so many hobbies and wanted to do and be so many things but never really been able to finish them without the pressure of a strict deadline. I’ve struggled in workplaces to stay focused on a task especially if I’ve found the job to be boring or during quiet periods. I am someone that thrives on routine yet gets bored with mundane things so very quickly. It didn’t occur to me until I saw a friend talk about being diagnosed with ADHD as an adult female and how relateable I found her story to be that this could have been the answer all along.

    Friendships and Relationships

    I am the friend that will leave you on read, because I’ve read the message and thought about replying then got distracted and forgotten until weeks have passed and I’m too ashamed to reply at that point. I struggle with tidying but once a month I will get the urge to completely rearrange a room or if I know someone is coming to visit I will speed clean the flat. It’s honestly like a super power. I have paid ADHD tax for so many things that I’ve forgotten to cancel, bills I’ve forgotten to pay, items I’ve not returned, impulse purchases because I’ve wanted a dopamine quick fix.

    I have been met so often with ‘everyone does that once in a while’ and yes, they do, I know that getting distracted or forgetting to do something is not exactly uncommon so it’s hard to try and explain just how negatively this kind of living affects my day to day life. Writing it down all makes it seem so small and superficial when it’s actually magnified 100 times over. If I’m not being productive it’s not because I’m being lazy or simply don’t want to – something I was always told I was as a child – but its because half of my brain is telling me to ‘do the thing’ and the other half is going ‘what if you fail? what if it’s boring? you can’t do this, you’re not good enough’ and that stops me in my tracks because that voice is so hard to shut out.

    prom dress, friendships before being diagnosed with ADHD were hard to maintain
    This is me (red dress) and my friends at our prom in 2005. I kept my circle fairly small and I’m only regularly in contact with one other person in this photograph in my adult life. It’s bad quality and blurry because back then we had to use actual film camera’s to take photos. Looking at that girl knowing how much she was struggling I wish I could go back and tell her that it wasn’t her fault, her brain was just different.

    Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

    The thing I struggle the most is how sensitive I can be which, honestly has lead to me avoiding friendships as I’ve grown up. I was always told I was too emotional and too sensitive as a child and in my teenage years. I didn’t realise until after speaking with other people who had been diagnosed with ADHD that this was a common thing amongst them. That my reaction of conflict, which is to cry usually, was manipulative. That I needed to learn how to control myself because I was being pathetic. That my ‘tears won’t work this time’. Now I’ve learned about rejection sensitivity dysphoria which is where you feel intense emotional pain and anquish at being rejected, because of failure, any small form of criticism or being let down doesn’t become about the other person or the action but instead becomes completely self destructive. It doesn’t even have to be that critical a rejection for me, someone simply saying ‘no thank you’ can very quickly become ‘that person hates me now, I am so cringe, this is embarrassing, why did I ever ask in the first place because they’ve never liked me and never will, you’re a disaster’.

    Now, when it is actual rejection, or when someone sort of stops talking to me for some reason, a friendship or a relationship breaks down that reaction is really hard to deal with. I can not even begin to describe how painful it is for me when someone I have opened up to in some way discards me. That may seem kind of a harsh way of describing it but that is exactly how it feels. Recent occasions where someone has decided to sort of cut me off, avoid me, or not talk to me anymore have lead to me stopping doing anything, where I’ve just continuously cried, not been able to eat and my thoughts are full of negative self talk and trying to figure out what I did wrong, where I went wrong, how I could possibly try to fix it and doing anything I can to try and gain their approval again. It’s a part of me that I actively struggle with on a daily basis because I can’t just take someone’s no for what it is. It always becomes about how much they no longer like me anymore and it is stupid and destructive to think and feel like that. It would be bliss to not sit and justify all the reasons why I might receive a ‘no’ to something because ‘no’ is important. Setting boundaries is important. I know all of this but right there in the moment that all goes completely out the window.

    If I can’t see it, it doesn’t exist

    I struggle with object permanence and time blindness. This means if I can’t see it it doesn’t exist. I forget I have things a lot of the time which sometimes leads to duplicate purchases. I can often lose track of time or get so caught up in an appointment I need to keep that I enter waiting mode and face an inability to do anything productive. I can hyperfocus on something and suddenly six hours have gone by where I haven’t moved, eaten or drank anything which then often leads to binge eating – another issue I’ve had which potentially has been a result of my ADHD brain. I am the person that fears being late I will turn up half an hour early, which equally doesn’t look all that great depending on the situation either, but being just a few minutes late for anything makes me anxious and fills me with dread.

    Impulse purchases mean I own several candles now. So many in fact that I really need to start burning them as I can’t bear to throw them away.

    What’s next?

    Getting diagnosed with ADHD has felt huge as I finally feel like I can start moving on with my life. I am currently going through the process of titration which is where you have regular appointments with a psychiatrist to find the right type and dosage of medication. I am about to start a daily 30mg dose of Elvanse for the next three weeks. I need to monitor my blood pressure, pulse and weight on a daily basis whilst taking this to make sure my body accepts the medication and to monitor any side effects. I have been told to do the measurements and take the medication in the morning. Whilst I do this I am hoping to be able to do short video diaries to try and help me remember, reflect and make note of any changes, adverse side effects and if I find the medication is working for me. When I began writing this I was also waiting for the final appointment for an autism diagnosis which I have now had and been diagnosed with so some of these things contradict each other a little where the ADHD part of my brain and the Autistic part of my brain are sort of at war with each other. However, there have absolutely been times where they have combined and magic has happened – if I find a special interest hyperfocus that benefits my life such as blogging here and being able to freelance as a writer – that is just something that has been a real blessing.

  • Mental Health and Life Update – September 2022

    Mental Health and Life Update – September 2022

    It saddens me that a genuine post hasn’t come from the heart here for such a long time. I remember reading in various blogging groups I was in years ago that talked about how people would go to find a blog they used to love and see that it hadn’t been updated and I always thought to myself I hope I never get to that point yet it turns out I have and I desperately want to change that. Writing has been a healthy outlet for me for as long as I can remember and not having it as part of my daily routine has, I think, really been a large part of my own suffering.

    For someone like me that deals with anxiety, low mood and now the possibility of neurodivergence having a healthy outlet to let off steam and put all of my overwhelming cluttered thoughts is a true lifeline. Often people talk about how writing is a form of creative expression and catharsis, some even comparing it to a form of therapy. It certainly has been that way for me in the sense that writing has prevented self harm. I can not even begin to admit the shame admitting that brings me although my previous entries on mental health; well, perhaps that isn’t as much of a surprise. Self harm has never been about suicidal thoughts for me, I’d like to make that clear, but it was an unhealthy way of attempting to escape from the sheer overwhelming feelings I deal with on a day to day basis. Intrusive thoughts have always been something I’ve struggled with but I’m thankful that I’ve never contemplated anything further than that.

    Getting it out of my mind and trying to relieve how anxiety and stress physically manifests in my body is what originally lead to self harm before I really started writing it all down. Sometimes talking about it isn’t quite enough because I can’t always speak the words that I want to say. Or my words come out so muddled and confused which in turn frustrates me and doesn’t make it any easier. It’s not that I have a problem sharing my issues considering I’ve already written about them here in what I’ve always considered a safe place and publishing those struggles in the hope of someone else reading them and not feeling alone – whilst makes me feel vulnerable – has always been the backbone of this space. I want to help others. I have a strong desire to help others even if that has sometimes been at my own expense.

    Honestly, I feel like I have always put other people first. I’m sure I have other people in my life that would probably disagree; people that have called me selfish because of the way I do things or the way I’ve lived my life although now that I’m looking at that through an autistic and adhd lens and I see my past very differently. To say that it has been a traumatic process is probably the biggest understatement I have ever made because it’s felt like so much more than trauma. The frustrating thing is that I have had so many people say that if I receive this diagnosis I’m hoping for it doesn’t change who I am as a person and whilst that may be somewhat true it changes everything for me. I can not help but look back on my life and wonder how different things could have been for me should I have known, should I have accessed different kinds of support, should I have been able to truly open up more about how my mind works. Would I have suffered quite so much in my teens had I known better?

    And alongside all this I have still had to carry on but it hasn’t been the same because I have been figuring this all out after having my structure taken away from me because of Covid. I know I can’t blame everything on a pandemic but having to live life, raise children, crisis school, deal with an identity crisis, attempt to be a decent girlfriend, daughter, sister, mother and friend, the stress of an MRI scan and chronic pain, seeing family members get sick and not being able to do anything about it, not being able to see my friends as often…despite having people around me I feel like I have been cut off and isolated. I have felt so incredibly lonely without being alone. I have been erratic and confused and emotional and at times kind of unstable. I have not had a period of low mood, depression, constant anxiety and just general badness since I was much, much younger.

    What makes this all so difficult is I haven’t been able to write through it. I feel every time I go to write something it’s just depressing and horrible thoughts that no one really wants to read about. I haven’t done anything worth writing about or inspiring enough. I don’t consider anything I’ve really done in the last few years an accomplishment or something to be proud of. I’ve run up way too much debt that has come with it’s own issues, I have cluttered my home with too much stuff, I have tried various hobbies and not stuck to them, I haven’t moved enough, I’ve gained weight, I’ve struggled with binge eating again and I have genuinely lost a sense of self. At this moment in time, I do not really know who I am. I do not really know what I mean to others. I feel like I’m just a culmination of other people trying to be able to fill their needs rather than my own. I suppose I have tried to be what I think people want me to be rather than be myself and that lack of self honesty.

    I really want to make some changes because enough is enough and I am not coping well with anything and I do not really know how to fix it. However, I have finally received dates for my ADHD assessment and I am in equal parts terrified but finally feel I can emerge from waiting mode. I have something concrete to work from and I hope this will be a boost I need because I honestly feel I have pinned everything on this assessment and I have been waiting such a long time to try and get to this point. I understand that that’s perhaps not the most sensible option and I’m putting all my eggs in one basket. I’m not sure what I will do or how I will feel should the assessment come back with a non-diagnosis or how that will affect me but I do know that I need to get this done and get a result either way.

    I suppose I am still looking for answers to ‘what the hell is wrong with me?’ ‘why am I the way that I am?’ and ‘how can I fix it?’ – and I don’t want to just be told ‘nothing is wrong with you’ because right now I don’t feel like anything is really right with me either. I feel stuck. I feel unable to move. I feel like I’m halfway up a flight of stairs with the end in sight but the sheer inability and lack of energy to simply lift my foot up and get to the top. In all this I am fearful that all I look like is lazy and incompetent and inconsistent. I feel like I have been a complete burden to others, someone that people don’t want to be around because I have nothing valuable or positive to add to the conversation. In this moment in time there is nowhere I feel like I completely fit in.

    I have started doing things though. I am clearing my home and my personal space of things that no longer have a purpose. Physically making space in my home is really helping me to make space in my mind. This is my attempt to get back into the routine of writing about something every day because I finally feel like I have something to say and hopefully contribute. I have events planned and people I will be seeing soon and I am so excited for that as hopefully a gap closer in back to who I was. I have reached out to step change to start fixing my debt problems. I want to get back to regular working again through my blog and freelance options.

    And I’m getting a cat. I can not wait to introduce the new family member to you all. It’s something the children have wanted for such a long time and I have too and now I feel is the time. I appreciate after all that I’ve said above that having another responsibility may feel like I’m taking on too much but genuinely I think the time and energy I will have into caring for this kitten and making sure she has a safe and happy home will be a very positive step for me, particularly with Evangeline in secondary school now and Felix in Forest School more regularly. I don’t feel very needed at the moment I suppose either, with older children that are gaining more independence each and every day. I have been needed by someone for such a long time that it feels quite strange to not need to be at someone’s constant beck and call all day everyday.

  • Neurodivergent Self Diagnosis is Valid

    Neurodivergent Self Diagnosis is Valid

    For the last year or so I have opened up to friends and family, as well as writing about it here, that I think I am autistic and have adhd. I’ve talked before on my blog about my mental health and battles with low mood and anxiety but last year something really clicked for me which gave me the push to seek a conversation with my doctor. I am now on the waiting list for my area for an assessment and I do not know how long I will be waiting. This is difficult for me because whilst a lot of what I know of myself and have learned about adhd and autism is so very relatable but on the other hand actually telling people I am these things makes me feel like a fraud because I am not officially diagnosed. It makes me feel like I’m invalidating a space I haven’t really been allowed to step into. However, speaking with other friends that have gone through diagnosis and hearing how exhausting and complicated and stressful the process is their opinion on self diagnosis has really helped to change my perspective and the way I consider myself when meeting new people. I am still going to persue a diagnosis because I feel like I need it for my own validation but, for now, I feel like I can start stepping into a neurodivergent space and I hope I will continue to be accepted for it.

    Challenging stereotypes

    One thing I have heard repeated over and over is that ‘If you’ve met one autistic person, you have only met one autistic person’ because, as I am sure you have heard and read before it’s a spectrum disability. Every single autistic person I know is different, and does things differently. Some of them are very different to me, some of them share very similar traits and quirks, and some of them need a lot more support with their physical needs than I do. Being female I already challenge the stereotype that only boys and men can be autistic but if we have learned anything over the last few years particularly that is just simply not true.

    A book I have recently began reading which I have found very relatable (and funny) is Drama Queen by Sara Gibbs – the first person I personally have read about that talked about being hyperverbal. A phrase I hadn’t really thought about before because being Autistic can usually present as social and communication challenges for individuals and is often thought to mean autistics are non verbal or can not communicate with others. Don’t get me wrong I know autistics that struggle to communicate, or don’t like speaking much but that isn’t me. Hearing the term hyperverbal and then learning a bit more about it made a lot of sense to me because I talk a lot, I talk quickly and I often say inappropriate things thanks to a lack of filter. I often struggle to ‘read the room’ so to speak. The way my social communication challenges present are that I often interrupt people because the words bubble up and I feel a real need to get my point across. I feel like if I don’t say what I’m thinking at that exact point I will lose focus and then lose my place in the conversation. I also do it because I want to relate to other people which means conversations with me are rarely simple and easy chit chat but instead, well, if I like you, you’re going to learn my life story in a short space of time which can be pretty overwhelming for others.

    I don’t do this to cause harm and I often feel very guilty and like I am offloading on others. I don’t want to do that. I mostly just want friendships and connections but I don’t really know how to make friends as an adult and I have struggled to maintain friendships with people over the years because I also find them to be exhausting. I suppose that leads on to the other stereotype that autistics lack empathy. I can’t speak for everyone but I often feel things too much, very quickly, very deeply. If someone I care about is hurting it becomes almost like physical pain for me and I will want to do everything in my power to make myself accessible to them and to try and make them feel better. This in itself can be really overwhelming for them if they’re not ready for that kind of attention and I have to really try and hold myself back because I also struggle with something known as rejection sensitive dysphoria which is a common trait in those with ADHD. So I notice if someone’s behaviour around me changes and even though there is every possibility that it has nothing to do with me at all, I jump to the conclusion that I have ruined another friendship, or lost another person because I have been too much for them. It hurts, so much, and it’s exhausting.

    Because of all this I feel very burned out on life right now. I am stuck in the sense that I can not get anything done and the bare minimum feels too much. Frustratingly assessment appointments waiting lists are years long so it feels like it will be a long time before I get the diagnosis I am hoping for. I feel like I’m stuck right now and I don’t really know how to make myself better. I am going to speak to my GP again soon and I’ve been having some CBT which I think for someone that is hyperverbal talking does help although I know I’m supposed to do something before the next session but I can’t remember what. I have heard so often that everyone is on the spectrum somewhere or similar and I just think that whilst some neurotypicals, for sure, share traits and moments of hyperactivity, inattentiveness and impulsivity it doesn’t derail and take over their life like it does mine. It doesn’t cause problems because they’re not chasing dopamine the way I am on a constant basis. This then leads to me getting frustrated and agitated easily, not sleeping properly, not coping with small changes in the day, and sensory overload. When my mood is low, all of these things become harder and harder to deal with.

    The positives to my Neurodivergent Brain

    When I hyperfocus it can be glorious. I can completely zone into something and work a lot of stuff out when I hit the sweet spot between doing something I enjoy and something I need to do. It makes me feel productive, accomplished and happy. I’ve been able to plan out six months worth of content for my blogs and social media when I’ve caught a tiny speck of inspiration and ran with it. I’ve been able to write continuously for hours and feel proud of my content creation. I can pick up things very quickly if I’m interested in them and I like to learn. I might get a little frustrated along the way but I will keep going until I get it right as long as I’m getting enjoyment from it. I am multipassionate and have a lot of hobbies thanks to impulse buying. No, I don’t always follow them through but I have a lot of interesting things to talk about. I have a lot of empathy and time for my friends, I can be really patient and understanding and a good listener. I have had to deal with my own trauma and I think that probably has an impact on the way I treat people.

    So with all of that I can understand why some choose not to go for an official diagnosis because the process is long and exhausting and feels like a constant battle just to protect yourself and get yourself access to additional help and support with your healthcare professionals. Equally though, I am not sure what I will have access too after a diagnosis. Is medication an option for me if ADHD is part of my brain problems? Will it be worth the wait? I have no idea. All I know is I need answers for myself and why I feel like I don’t function the same way everyone else does.

  • Six Weeks of CBT Therapy

    Six Weeks of CBT Therapy

    Last May I went to the doctors to ask for an assessment for ADHD, help with my eating disorder and self referred myself through iTalk for talking therapy. This is after years of suspecting I was autistic and then seeing a friend talk about a recent ADHD really made me consider trying to get some help with my weird brain. I’ve got confirmation I’m on the waiting list for the assessment, I’ve filled in forms for the NHS weight management referral but I’m still waiting to hear and but in January I had my first session of therapy and I’ve been having meetings mostly weekly since. I have to fill in a form every week as a risk assessment saying how I’m feeling. Apparently my depression score has got lower, I don’t really know how but I’ll go with it but my fear, worries and phobias score is still the same.

    Honestly I’m still not sure on CBT, I understand how it works but I don’t know how compatible it is because I struggle with doing the tasks. Mostly because I forget. Or I set intentions to do it but then get distracted or procrastinate. Or the kids need me. But it’s still early on I suppose and sessions have been interrupted for various reasons so I’m going to keep going. Mostly because I feel like I need to show I’m trying and I do want to improve my mental health. Whilst I haven’t stuck to the tasks having someone to talk to that purely focuses on how I am doing and offers me reassurance has been helpful. I am quite a talkative person I guess and I’ve always find talking helps me to unload my brain from getting too overwhelmed. Like writing, it’s an outlet for me I suppose.

    Thinking about it I’ve just always been wordy – something that may contradict what people believe about autistics in a stereotypical way – you don’t have to be non-verbal or struggle talking to be autistic. In fact I think I have too many words for people, perhaps that is part of the ADHD crossing over, part of the hyperactivity is talking too much. Sometimes I will think of something I want to say and I will think and think and think on it until the words just burst out of me. It’s never small talk though it’s usually just, well it’s kind of everything or whatever I am thinking of at the moment. I struggle with a filter and saying exactly what I think or what’s going on in my mind at that exact point. I think in words and pictures, I have a narrative voice in my mind – even as I’m typing this I’m ‘hearing’ the words in my head as my fingers fly across the keyboard. I guess I feel I have to put the words somewhere which is why I’ve always kept diaries and written letters and journals and now blogs. Words have been a creative, therapeutic and cathartic.

    I have found some of the feedback useful and potentially that is what has helped my mood a little bit. I’ve been told that I do have problem solving skills which is something I’ve never really thought about myself but then I look back on how things have been in the past and how I have got things done as and when I have needed too, mostly at the point of a deadline, I kind of know I can accomplish those things again. She seems reassuring each time we speak but I don’t really feel like I’ve done anything to warrant the positive feedback just yet. I have however started getting out more and moving more because it’s something I know will do me good and just having some time out of my flat, alone, has been very beneficial. I’m not sure how it will progress, as it’s still early, but I do feel a little more positive about the future.

  • My Life with Binge Eating Disorder

    My Life with Binge Eating Disorder

    February 28th – March 6th is eating disorder awareness month. This year the focus is on asking ‘why wait?’ as the average time that passes between first noticing eating disorders and seeking help is 149 weeks. I know for me, this was much, much longer although with lengthy NHS waiting lists I’m still waiting for help nearly 10 months on. Beat eating disorders has more information, helplines and support on their website.

    Firstly, I want to address the obvious – eating disorders affect a whole manner of people, no matter their age, body shape, size or gender. We live in a society that glorifies the idea of a perfect body that doesn’t really exists because photo image editing software exists. We also seem to believe that you can only have a problem if you’re thin, and if your fat then your issue is just laziness. People hate seeing fat people admit they have a problem other than a sheer lack of willpower because society has made us believe that thinness = health. Eating disorders are caused by so many different reasons and not only do they affect an individuals relationship with food, but they cause harm, sickness, problems functioning, sleep issues and a long lasting negative relationship with a persons body. Eating disorders are something that you live with for life, and take a lot of individual and well supported work to get through. My aim for this post is to just talk about them and my experience and what steps I did to seek help in the hopes that it helps others pick up the phone to their GP.

    I have had life long issues with my weight, since perhaps the age of about eleven or twelve. So since I was a child. The fact that my weight was addressed as a preteen girl really affects me in a negative way. It makes me feel angry for the child I was, because I feel it was the wrong time to talk about my weight. Perhaps then if I understood my body was growing and changing a little more I would have negated a lot of the problems I’ve had for the last twenty three years. I didn’t grow up wealthy and my mum, who will admit this, hated cooking. Alongside me being a bit of a fussy eater and really disliking the flavour of some meals, and then the frustration at my friends fancy lunch boxes, full cupboards and nicer tasting dinners – well I think this is where my relationship with food really started to change. I also remember being in the early years of secondary school and it being commented on that I had ‘puppy fat’ as well as the constant reminder that I didn’t like going outside, running or playing sport like many of my family members did. I was pretty responsible though so was often asked to babysit, giving me my own money which would be blown on sweets, snacks and ice cream that I would binge on. Before I was sixteen I was encouraged to sign up to weight watchers.

    Blurry because this is a photo of a photo – well before the day of digital cameras my friends…My Secondary School prom – June 2005 – I am the 4th one in from the left in red. I don’t remember what I weighed, but I know I had a lot of self hatred because I felt I was fat. I think I was maybe about ten stone. I had fat but I was actually a pretty healthy, albeit suffering from a multitude of mental health problems, sixteen year old girl.

    Looking at the photo above makes me feel really sad because I know I was going through a pretty hard time during those years and I look at this photo and remember what a fun night I had. I’d had my last GCSE exam that day, it was Graphics Design, I got a D overall which is fine because I can’t actually draw or design things. But I remember crying about my body shape and size. I remember craving sugary things. I know I was stressed and probably depressed. The last two years of school especially were tough for so many reasons and I remember not really going. I remember getting ready to go and then just…not going. I think I blamed a lot of it on period pain, or I lied and said I had study leave and went to my grandparents house instead. This behaviour carried on well into college too where I was separated from my school friends, had broken up with my boyfriend, there was some strain in my relationship with all my parents and it was just a pretty bad time really.

    At 17 and in college. I was working at this point so again my money went on junk food which lead to more frequent binge eating. As well as a lot of underage drinking.

    I don’t think I ever actually realised I was binge eating until many years later. For years I have tried so many diets from weight watchers to slimming world to 16:8 diet, 5:2 diet, slim fast shakes, starve and binge…all to just put the weight back on and then some because deprivation leads to binge eating. Because exercise would be uncomfortable and make me feel judged and self conscious. Binge eating was for me linked to my emotions which I am trying to unravel now but I think now it was also linked to ADHD. I remember going a long time without eating because I would be hyper focusing on something and forgetting to eat which would inevitably lead to a binge when I realised just how hungry I was.

    Over the years this has lead to decreased self confidence, constantly hating and disrespecting my body, self harm and so much guilt and shame over my appearance. This has only gotten worse after having two children and that changing my body shape permanently. I asked for help the same time I asked for an ADHD diagnosis but I am still waiting to see what happens next. One thing I did do which has been hugely beneficial is to stop dieting because I need to fix the relationship I have with food and my body before I even consider what I’m eating. The mentality I have around food needs to change as it’s been in deprivation mode for such a long time. Since stopping dieting, I haven’t put on weight which is a revelation in itself, although I recently wrote how my body image and being anti diet was conflicting particularly as a person drawn to an alternative sense of style but not being able to find clothes easily in my size. I do try and listen better for my hunger cues by stopping when I feel full and trying to eat small and often to prevent the need to binge although I do still struggle with this.

    I’m not sure how much being referred to will help as it’s not particularly for eating disorders but again a focus on loosing weight despite me saying over and over again that I need help to mentally fix my relationship with food rather than being told to lose weight. I have been following and reading from body positive and fat activist people which has helped me stay far away from diets but hasn’t yet got me to a point where I feel confident or comfortable moving my body as often as I would like to and it deserves. I also can’t escape from the fact that for two years we’ve been living with plague and that has stripped down a lot of my confidence, my ability to socialise and interact properly with people and in all fairness the want to do anything other than things that make me happy. I have neglected a lot of myself, my writing, my want to be more physically active and the want to get help just because I have been so drained of energy.

    I think this is something we as a society completely discount when it comes to eating disorders. The fact that they’re often caused my self esteem issues, low self confidence, a need to control something in an uncontrollable world and holding ourselves to unobtainable standards as portrayed in the media. The way that people from poorer backgrounds are more likely to have negative relationships with foods and those on low incomes are more likely to be obese because financial stress is a burden that is tiring to carry around with us. So don’t wait when it comes to seeking help for an eating disorder because as time goes on it only gets worse. Speak to a trusted friend, a GP, or reach out to BEAT. I encourage people to read about body positivity as it’s not just about being fat and loving your fatness but embracing your body and learning to love who you are. Acknowledge emotional eating cues and try and find other ways to satisfy those emotions if you can but reach out. Don’t struggle in silence.