Candyfloss & Dreams

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What I want to Prioritise for FFXIV Endwalker expansion
The excitement for the upcoming expansion for Final Fantasy 14 is palpable amongst our free company – well, so is maybe a little bit of burn out trying to wrap up loose ends and feel fully prepared for the expansion release. I recently found out that I did in fact order the edition that came with early access although whether or not I will be able to get on during early release because servers and the sheer volume of players jumping on that weekend will be…interesting to say the least. I now feel like I am at a point where I can take some time away from the grind I’ve been doing for the past few months especially just so I’m feeling nice and fresh for the expansion and can sink back into the story.

I have always loved video games. I’ve never been particularly *good* at them but there are some stories that are just so beautifully told through gameplay. As an imaginative and creative person video games just become fully emersive experiences for me and I have loved playing a part of a different character through previous final fantasy games, amongst others such as Assassins Creed and Horizon Zero Dawn. I got fully into the lore that surrounds games like Bloodborne and the Souls games which have such compelling visuals and all of this stuff going on in the background that just brings me so much joy. But there hasn’t been a game that has engrossed me as much as Final Fantasy XIV and theres a little part of me that is kind of sad that I didn’t pick it up much sooner.

I fully love playing and essentially for raiding reasons, being, Avalon. Role Playing games are essentially for me at least more immersive because you become that character for a short space of time but I have created Avalon and whilst she follows the story of FFXIV I have picked how she looks, reacts, comments she makes and jobs she plays. I love my tiny lizard lady character. I love crafting cool glamours for her and making furniture for her which is just a little bit of me too. It’s such a fun and interesting way to put some of you into an online character with all the aspects that an MMO has. Like I just genuinely love that there is more to this game than just the story. The interactions with other players makes it a whole lot of fun.
Endwalker Levelling

I would say my main job is a Machinist so I’ll be pushing that through the Main Story Scenario quests but I will be swapping in my Warrior and Summoner (to level Scholar) at the same time, potentially followed by Dragoon as that is the only other class I have in 70s. If I have any story left over after those then I’ll be speed levelling my other tanks because I don’t like the thought of wasting EXP. I know having a tank at level will help with some dungeon queues and I’ve been practising with Warrior again recently to be better at running through dungeons. I’m not going to be doing wall to wall pulls though because that just isn’t my style of play.

Main Story Quest

This will, of course, be my main focus. I have early access and as long as I can get online I firmly intend to focus on the story as much as I possibly can before I go away for the week. I have no intention of forming a static to go through content with although I am more than happy to join in with other people I know in game if/when we are at the same place at the same time. Mostly though I’ll get as much as I can done before I head off on holiday for the week and then when I’m back Friday night I will be right back to it. I imagine I will probably have the story done within a couple of weeks, depending on lag, queues and the like. Then I’ll work through any blue side quests that open up all the other things and probably open up beast tribes too.

Aether Currants

The thing I am most not looking forward to is how slow walking is in this game without riding maps and without being able to fly and something I know I’m going to need to get sorted before I go in with crafting and gathering because flying will make it about one thousand times faster.

Crafting and Gathering

All of my crafters and gatherers are at 80. I plan to do Botany and Mining first, then by specialist crafters of Culinarian, Weaver and Blacksmith. My final gatherer to level will probably be fisher because it takes the longest and it isn’t one I enjoy the most. I’ll be doing a mix of daily deliveries, custom deliveries and leves to do this. I do want to get these done pretty quickly and in time for treasure maps with my FC because I absolutely do not want to have to pay for them and I’ll need a level 90 gatherer.

Unlocking New Jobs

I will be unlocking Reaper and Sage but its unlikely I’ll be doing much with them. Reaper is probably going to be more my style of play because it does look pretty cool but I’m not sure I want to be making it a main job for me. I have though got the gear for it thanks to levelling Dragoon. However, it would probably be the next best job to have unlocked and level to 90. Sage will probably chill with my white mage and astrologian for a while until I even think about healing. One day I might not have the fear so much and will be able to heal through fights.
November 30, 2021
An Update on my Adult ADHD Referral and How I’m Feeling

In May 2021 I asked my GP for an Adult ADHD Referral after reading a friends blog post and asking myself have all my struggles been related to potentially having a neurodivergent brain? Is that why I feel like I’ve been completely drowning in my adult life and have periods where I am unable to function? Is this why I have completely struggled since I can remember because I don’t feel like I fit in. I don’t know if the knowledge that I am on the lengthy NHS waiting list is a help or hinderence right now because I hate waiting.

I recently got a letter through confirming I was on the waiting list and my referral had been accepted into the stream of ongoing people however because we have an awful Government who underfund the privitalise the NHS and don’t care about working class peoples mental health, adult services for autism and adhd assessments are atrocious. In my area they are currently seeing people referred in January 2019 so it looks like I will be waiting until at least 2023 just to have an assessment. There is then another equally long waiting list for Titration which is the diagnostic perscriptive period which helps you get the right medication and dosage for your needs. It feels like I’m just caught in this huge mess of wanting to fix my problems but not being able to. For some reason my GP has misunderstood the Right to Choose NHS pathway which has been an issue and I think I would meet resistance if I brought this up again or even asked if shared care would be an option if I went privately and that is a real thing I’m considering right now.

I feel like I’m in an okay place mentally at this point in time but because I’ve tried to be so productive in getting results for my chronic headaches, issues with my sight and binge eating I feel like everything else is slipping by the wayside. I have absolutely used video games as a coping mechanism this year which is fine but between trying to fix my brain and doing something I enjoy to procrastinate my work has suffered, my impulse buying has increased which has been a real problem. I am feeling so much pressure which is leading to me having to take time just mindlessly scrolling through social media and disasociating. My general life overwhelm is just in a really strange place right now which is leading to an increased amount of choice paralysis, comparison problems, and executive dysfunction at times and periods of hyperactive hyperfocus but not on things I *should* and sometimes even *want* to do. Not to mention the body dismorphia, struggling with food and the general reduction in the usual (although still pretty minimal) socialising I would do. I think thats where video games have filled some of this void because it’s something I like, want to get better at and do a lot of, and includes a social element with other people that are doing the same.

I’m really trying to look for the positives in things honestly but my ‘negatives’ collum right now is so long its become so difficult. Being stuck in our flat sometimes makes me feel physically sick the lack of personal space I have and the amount of time we have had to spend at home. The amount of work that needs done to declutter it. I’m so unhappy here but I can’t fix anything or move or do anything about it yet and that is genuinely affecting my day to day life in such a bad way. I also have a cold right now so that is heightening all of the bad feelings. I know I said I was okay, and I genuinely am, honestly I don’t feel depressive of sad or miserable. I feel frustrated and lonely and like I’m not being listened to and a bit of a failure really.

The thing is I’m such a sensory sensitive person and right now my sensory needs are not being met. What I see around me, the clutter, the mess, the lack of space just makes me feel awful and that then leads to the unproductiveness. I know people will just roll their eyes and be like “well stop buying things” or “just get rid of stuff” or “just clean up” and I want to scream that it’s really not that fucking easy for me. But then I will go into a hyperfocus mode and stuff will get done and I’ll throw stuff away and then I’ll feel guilty for not trying to repurpose things because I’m throwing stuff away that I can’t use so I hoard stuff and then I’ll feel guilty for not using it or doing something with it or the amount of money I’ve wasted on something. That cycle really can spiral way out of control but the problem is all of this consistently happens in my head and then that manifests into fatigue, extreme exhuastion and such a high stress bad tempered enviornment.

I have really been looking into ADHD for a while and whilst I know that medication is not going to be a fix it all cure, everything requires work to improve my health and productivity but I genuinely think the validation of being like right well I have this and I need to do things a bit differently because of that. I was looking into seeing if I was both Autistic and had ADHD as I know there are some things that overlap between the two but I think some of the traits that are prevailent in both seem more ADHD centered than Autistic. The biggest link is the sensory processing struggles I have I think with certain food, textures, scents, lighting and well parts of my skin. This has turned into more of a ramble than I intended but I just basically wanted to say that it’s been almost six months since I’ve been referred and I’m feeling a huge bag of emotions but trying to cope as best as I can.

November 14, 2021
Getting my MRI Results and living with Chronic Migraines- November 2021

In the summer I wrote about having an MRI after finding out there was something wrong with my eyes at my last eye test in March. It’s taken quite a while but I got my MRI results back last week and thankfully they came back all clear. There’s nothing to indicate that I have Intracranial Hypertension and potentially the bulging optic nerve may have been something I was born with particularly as my images looked similar between eye tests. So what is wrong me with? We still don’t know. The next step is to have an ultrasound on my eye which sounds pretty uncomfortable but I’ve had ultrasound scans before. This will hopefully determine a condition the opthamologist said but that just doesn’t sit right with me particularly as my vision now does have some light sensitivity and my headaches have become a chronic pain condition resulting in chronic migraines. The chronic headaches are something that have gotten persistently worse over the years, particularly after stopping hormonal contraception and having my son.

I didn’t really put myself into the ‘chronic pain’ thing because it feels selfish. It feels like by me talking about pain I am invalidating other peoples lived experiences of living with real life altering pain on a daily basis. But the truth is the level of pain and persistency of headaches does stop me from getting on with life. Over the last few months since having my MRI I have been trying to keep track of my pain levels a bit more to make me stay in check with my body. I can not remember a day when my pain level was 0. Most days it is manageable and around a two or a three (out of ten on my own pain scale) and then during a particularly bad flare up reaches a 7 or an 8 around three times a month. A 10, thankfully, has only happened once in the last few months were I’ve had a migraine and extreme ovulation pain which completely stopped me doing anything and left me feeling sick, unable to eat much and in a state of brain fog for about ten days afterwards. As a result I am learning my cycle of headaches much better and they are absolutely in sync with my menstrual cycle which does make me think its hormone related and if my ultrasound scan comes back as normal too I will be heading to the GP to talk about it too.

I don’t know why I am trying to invalidate my own pain – pain is pain and it’s not ‘normal’ to live with it every single day. There are absolutely liftestyle changes I want to make to help reduce my pain and make things easier but I do not think this will be a cure-all. I know migraines are a side effect of having had epidurals so that is something that can’t be ruled out. Another recent conversation I had made me think that it is potentially cortisol related too. As I have mentioned before I am awaiting an ADHD assessment and speaking with other women that have had late referrals for ADHD they have admitted to frequent and persistent migraines prior to starting medication. Whilst again I am not expecting this to be the cause it does give me some hope that seeking help for the pain, the daily struggles of my neurodivergent brain and binge eating disorder problems I may have some pain free days in the future.

The absolute best news though is of course that my MRI was normal and there was nothing to suggest a brain tumor or anything else terrifying which has of course been running through my mind since I had the scan. One thing that did make me think it was ‘fine’ when I got my appointment letter to discuss the results was that it came from the eye clinic rather than a nerurologist and I think if there had been something wrong I would have heard back much sooner than November. Anyway, I will keep you updated on my search for a pain free existence amongst eye problems.

November 13, 2021
Final Fantasy XIV: Taking a /gpose screenshot on Console

Learning how to take a /gpose screenshot on console has been a fun learning experience for me whilst playing FFXIV. It has given me a chance to show off my character a bit more and work on things like glamour. Its a nice way to chill between doing raids and learning mechanics. I think the unique thing about an MMO is the balance between having fun and doing something a little more relaxing and creative as well as playing through an immersive and intricate story and raiding is what has kept me so engrossed since May 2021.

My character for FFXIV Avalon Lefae an Au Ra standing in the rain in Idyllshire

I recently wrote about how I’ve been playing Final Fantasy 14: An MMORPG video game in one of my all time favourite franchises of games. My PC is not up to scratch so I am a console player only and use a controller to play which has it’s frustrations for sure. I didn’t think taking cool screenshots in fancy glamours (the true endgame some might say) was really possible. Playing on console means I’m also a bit restricted when it comes to screenshots because I don’t have access to Mods, however, I have been practising and I’m pretty pleased with the results so far. I wanted to write down what I do to take /gpose screenshots in FFXIV on console to hopefully help other new players, like me, that want to try themselves. I even went out to create a character Instagram @avalon_lefae if you’re interested in following me.

Getting Started

Firstly, this is all about having fun and being creative with an original character or avatar. Seeing some peoples creations I can see there are so many people that love creating a story behind their characters and of course its a role playing game, that comes across as a part of it especially when using the characters outside the game on social media. You can get started by simply picking a favourite place, favourite emoji and get snapping. Some people prefer to plan a whole in game session so will have their glamour plates ready to switch things up. Theres no harm with jotting down some ideas you might have. Whatever makes it fun for you will work!

Choosing a Location for a /gpose screenshot

Location, I think, is key and thankfully this game is full of so many beautiful arenas and areas to use. The backdrop can help create a whole mood for your screenshots in FFXIV from cute and fun to dark and moody. Using the settings to enhance the photo is a really fun part of taking screenshots in /gpose mode I think and now each time I go into a dungeon or go back into a different place I think creatively about the type of photos I want to create to show my progress in the game. I genuinely think it gives you a fresh perspective when thinking about other areas more creatively. I really makes me appreciate all the hard work graphically that has gone into this game over the years.

I recently got all my crafters and gatherers to max level so I took the time to craft some furniture and place in my FC room. I made a lot of bookshelves which created a sort of mini library aesthetic which looked really cool as a summoner holding my little book. It just fitted really well and I really liked how the screenshot came out.

In my little home away from home personal library – much like my own home!

Setting Up a Screenshot

Once you have selected your location you need to think about what will be in the photo with you. Will you have a pet of faerie? Will you have a minion out? Do you want to show off a new mount? You can take screenshots in the sky, sat in the flowers or overlooking a vista from a clifftop. Just before you enter the /gpose settings you want to do the action of what you want to photograph. If this is a certain emoji or movement it will play over and over again in a loop. This allows you to create different character expressions and movements. I personally love using battle stance or victory stance as a way to show off a new weapon or glamour. I did this shortly after glamouring my gun into a flame-kissed weapon which looks very cool.

Avalon holding the Flame-Kissed Revolver (glamoured onto Augmented Exarchic Machinist weapon) in Lakeland

I personally found the settings a bit confusing at first and watched a few videos on YouTube to explain some what did what. I haven’t used everything as I feel I’m just getting started but I’ve used enough to create some shots that I’m happy with. There are a selection of presets available which can brighten up the photo, highlight the character and background for example. You can have a few effects allthough none of these are really to my taste. Some of the roles you can do an ability or cast a spell and the effect will replay which can change the way a shot looks too as rather than a looping emoji a casting effect will loop. I did this with the flamethrower attack on my machinist.

Theming a /gpose screenshot in Final Fantasy 14

My recent desire to learn how screenshots could be taken was because our Free Company were holding a Halloween/Samhain themed contest which sounded really fun and they made it so no mods could be used which made it fair for console players so I was like I’m going to give it a go and learn to do this. I had a lot of fun playing around and loved how it was themed for Spooky Season. I love how this kind of stuff allows people to be creative and have some fun with their characters, glamours and just have a good time.

Creating a Halloween themed screenshot with FFXIV /gpose

November 12, 2021
The Plus Size Person’s Guide to Sustainable Period Protection
Ad – This post is in collaboration with WUKA (stands for Wake Up Kick Ass) who have a size inclusive range up to 6XL of period protection pants. I received gifted items in exchange for this post, however all opinions remain my own. You can shop online at www.wuka.co.uk

As a plus size person that wants to make eco concious changes to their life I have looked into as many options as I can for sustainable period protection and wanted to create this ‘start here’ guide to help other plus sized menstruators find comfortable period protection. I was absoutely thrilled when WUKA reached out to me to offer me a chance to review some of their period protection wear because I’ve been wanting to try period pants for a while now. I am also passionate about women in business and companies that get a kick out of breaking down stigma surrounding traditionally taboo issues such as periods.

WUKA have a great range of period protection pants available including a brand new lingerie range which is absolutely wonderful. We already feel a little rubbish when on our periods and sometimes a little bit of lingerie can make us feel better, particularly if they’re comfortable, stylish and have a bit of a pretty edge to them. The new lingerie range is also available in sizes XS – 6XL and includes a high waist, hipster brief and thong option in various flows depending on your personal preferences.

Start Here for the Plus Size Persons Guide to Sustainable Period Protection

Getting sustainable period protection or making the change to reusable period wear is honestly a fantastic solution. There is a real issue with period poverty and alongside sustainability we need to talk about the options around affordable sustainable period protection as well as considering that not everyone can afford or has the facilities to wash and clean resusable period products. As someone that frequently talks about how sustainability needs to include all class systems and consider both financial and time poverty I couldn’t continue this post without mentioning that. However, I do want to encourage any person if they have the means to swap, do to so because they are really simple swaps that will save you money (and underwear if you’ve had a particularly heavy flow!) and I would also encourage if you can donate period protection to any charities hat you opt for plastic free products.

What are my options for a Plastic Free Period?

There are currently a choice of three swaps you can make for a plastic free period depending on your flow and personal preference. However I want to bust the myth that plus size period are restricted in what they can use. More companies are making their period products size inclusive and increasing their plus size ranges as well as catering to different styles and shapes. This is all really encouraging. I am going to talk about Menstrual Cups, Cloth Pads and Period Pants sharing what I think are the cons and benefits of each.

Are Period Pants Suitable for Plus Size People?

Period Pants have come a really long way in increasing their size range and I’m happy to say that WUKA cater to a 6XL which their size guide recommends up to a size 26. They are exactly what you think, pants made for your period without the need for extra period protection such as pads and tampons. Some folks like to combine period pants with a cup or tampon for very heavy days if they aren’t feeling comfortable or they feel they need to adjust depending on their flow type or if they’re just new to period pants. Most of them are black, and have high waist or a midi brief option. The WUKA pants are black with a super soft layers of absorbable material to wick away the blood and absorb it. They are made to be breathable to limit odours and keep you feeling fresh, dry and comfortable.

Caring for Period Pants

Period Pants do not really require much extra work to keep clean and dry. After use it is recommended to give them a quick cold water rinse. WUKA suggests you can do this in the sink, shower or, if like us, you use other reusable products, a rinsing bucket. They can then be washed on a dark coloured garment wash at 30 and air dryed. It is not recommended to use fabric conditioner with reusable products as this can affect the absorbancy of them. They should then be air dried inside out ready to use for your next cycle.

Pros of Period Pants

There are a great range of options available depending on size, flow and comfort style. I personally find them comfortable to wear however I haven’t worn them with my cycle yet so I will update how I found them during my period before the end of the month. I like how they feel, they feel soft, comfortable and doesn’t feel like i’m wearing any extra protection. The WUKA pants fit me nicely and I like that there is a lingerie range on offer too. Some companies also offer a Swimwear bikini brief which allow those that don’t feel comfortable using a cup or tampon to continue finding joyous movement during their period. WUKA period pants are completely carbon neutral plus, and they have recently released their full carbon footprint analysis report which you can find here.

Cons of Period Pants

More sizes are needed to make this truly inclusive for all body shapes and sizes, particularly when considering a swimwear range which is very new at the moment. I did try searching for period protection swimwear and couldn’t find anything above a size 18. Hopefully, sizes will increase making this a fantastic option for plus sized people who want to try period pants. There are menstruators above a size 26 so I hope to see an increase in size inclusivity in the future.
Cloth Sanitary Protection or CSP – Reusable Cloth Pads

The second option is CSP or cloth pads which are probably the most size inclusive as they work exactly the same way as disposable pads do. I have personally been using cloth pads since the birth of my son, now three years and I am really glad I made the swap. I have a collection of around twenty cloth pads now ranging in size, flow type and shape. I have got mine from small businesses on Etsy and have a preference for fleece lining as they are the most comfortable for me. Like period pants cloth pads work by wicking the blood away from the skin into absorbable layers. They are cared for in the same way as period pants when rinsing, washing and drying. Some individual garment businesses use excess fabric to make CSP which is great for reducing waste.

Pros of CSP

No need for a particular size, you shop based on your flow and if you want nighttime (longer/bigger) day time and panty liners. Can fit in most underwear and does up with a popper. Very easy to clean and feels softer than a disposable pad. I haven’t needed to replace mine in three years and find the absorbancy still very good. I love that you can get funky patterns for your period protection and can support a small business.

Cons of CSP

Some menstruators don’t like the feel of a pad so it’s down to personal preference. Depending on colour and how well you rinse them they can stain. Need a good stash depending on your flow which can be a high expense at first.

Using A Menstrual Cup/Disc as a Plus Size Person

I will be completely upfront and honest here but I don’t think cups are for me. I personally never really liked tampons anyway but that is not to say that a Plus Size Person can not use a menstrual cup and I would still like to give it ago in the future particularly as I love to swim and feel my current options restrict me from this during my period. The feedback from friends has been that a cup has been ‘lifechanging’ for them and if it means we can embrace plastic free periods and give more options to my fellow period people then I’m happy! The first step is finding a cup that suits you and I recommend the website Put a Cup In It who have a fantastic quiz to help you find, potentially, your ideal cup for your flow and size. Using a menstural cup is similar to using a tampon but does require some flexibility and dexterity. There are lots of options and videos to help guide you exactly how to use your menstrual cup or disc. It should not be painful or umcomfortable to wear. A cup or disc usually lasts around 8-12 hours depending on flow, requires you to remove, rinse and replace during your cycle and should be boiled to sterilise between cycles.

Pros of a menstrual cup/disc

Great for those that like a tampon but it holds more blood so reduces the need for continous changes. Loads of different options for people of all sizes and flow types. Can be inserted with a water based lube to prevent irritation and well, it just makes it easier. Doesn’t require a lot of maintenance to keep it clean. Once you have the one that works for you, you don’t need anymore.

Cons of a cup/disc

Personally, I just can’t reach. I have a belly, short arms and limited flexibility. Being able to self insert at the moment just doesn’t work for me and I don’t think its affordable to continue buying multiple cups just to try and find the right size. However, this does not affect all plus size people it just depends on your own personal limits, arm and finger length.

Is there a ‘best’ option for sustainable period protection

Personally, no I don’t think there is a best option because it is all about what is comfortable for you, your size and flow. Find what works best for you, what appeals to you most and what you can afford. Now I have a mix of period pants and cloth pads I feel like I’m sorted. I’m glad that I don’t have to make a quick stop for emergency disposables if I feel I’m caught short – although I do track my period monthy so I usually know when I’m about to start bleeding which helps. I am all about comfort during what is usually a painful time of the month and I’ve not had a problem with leaking using plastic free period protection which has limited my stress. I am an advocate for plastic free period protection for all plus size people and I hope this guide has helped to encourage you to try resuables in time for your next cycle.
November 9, 2021